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Hi, Jude.
I can relate. My daughter just used my former credit card (which worked) and my Amazon – both because I did not get that I couldn't trust here and shared them with her previously but to use with my permission only. Then she lied about it. Which is somewhat crazy-making. "I don't know what you're talking about" she wrote me. But she finally admitted it twisting it around with manipulation and untruth saying I had given the car to her for emergencies.
A few months ago I finally did something friends had hinted at. I sold the house and arranged for her to have her own apartment. {When things had become difficult with her living with me I'd asked her to leave and she said she wouldn't – that felt rather helpless). I left the country to visit someone and now she is trying to hit me up for money and make my life miserable. (Did I mention blaming me?) I can't tell my close friend back home or another friend the whole story because one refuses to hear about her anymore, and I feel some of it is my daughter's personal business. My family has no idea what I'm going thru because I have not yet "ratted her out". A nar-anon friend told me that it helps to tell at least one family member and it will get around….) So I chose her in place of my needs for honesty and support from my family – not that they are very supportive anyway. The good news is that from a distance I am finally telling her the truth I see. I used to coddle and baby her because I felt sorry for her because she had mental health problems and I have discovered I have codependence issues! It's time for me to really face that and seek help for that.
She abused me verbally and manipulated and it was awful standing it. (I shut my mouth because I was on eggshells – if I ever uttered the wrong thing, she would hit me with anger (not physically in this case, but verbally). I'm not going to be in that position anymore. I'm trying not to have it affect me while I enjoy time away. It must be hard Jude especially when she had succeeded in many traditional ways. Previously, before I left my country, I attended support groups and they were very, very, very supportive. I hope both you and I will grow here and with whatever Nar-Anon or Al-Anon types of groups' sharing we can receive. I had some literature which helps. A friend of mine calls it medicine that is important for him to take. It is very hard to swallow that our kid who we raised and loved and felt joy with has become this mess. My daughter is an only daughter, only child, too. Hopefully they will find the resources they need when they can't keep taking from us. I want to occupy my own life. I feel angry and resentful toward her but hope through Nar-Anon I will learn how to love her and be truthful and not manipulated. Apparently the disease produces these standard affects. And there is a difference between recovery and not using – one of changing the mindset. Sending hope, Jude,
Learning9
[quote][b]Quote from Heartbroken on April 20, 2013, 22:08[/b]
Addiction is a family disease. It affects all those who have a relationship with an addict. Those of us closest to our addicted loved ones suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the addict's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much and what they use. We confuse caring with controlling by trying to manage their drug use. We become as addicted to our addict, as our addict is to drugs. We, too, can become ill. The drug addict needs help and so do we.
Thank you- this hit HOME Base.
My bf has been using a mix of drugs for many years. When we met, I was on a holiday and recently got off drugs but was dabbling socially for vacation.
Since then, him and I are in different states but we frequently see eachother.
Everytime we get together, I have mix feelings about where he is at in his addiction and how it effects me.
Sometimes he takes a leap forward but steps back and it was tiring.,
He went home 2 days ago after 3 weeks of us together, going thru minor ups and downs, growing pains, he practiced sobriety for almost a whole 2 days before he left.
I just know that when he is not with me, that he is used to using speed every day , all day, busy doing nothing.
I try not to worry about him not thinking about how he wants his life to be because he me in limbo, hoping that he gets his shit together but not expecting much from him either.
My question is: Now that him and I are apart until he figures out how and when him and I will see each other again. and, I catch myself holding back from sending him a thoughtful text because he takes forever to respond most of the time and sometimes when he does, I just feel he is preoccupied doing nothing whicch probably means that he is numb and made no progress on thinking about what he plans to do.
Am I supposed to be giving the tough love?
Am I supposed to be giving him suggestions?
I want to have him figure things out on his own and do what he chooses to do but then, how long do I "wait"?
o doesnt speak much about how he sees us together (I told him he needs a job before I let him stay with me)
My son is an addict. It started back when he was 15 with marijuana…as soon as I found out I spoke with him about it, how addiction runs in the extended family, how addiction will slowly sneak up on you over time and how once it sets in, you will find yourself unable to keep a job, lying to get money for it, lying because your ashamed of it and losing your family members because of it…. "Oh no Mom, I would never do that!" …I took him to the doctor to get his regular blood work up done to make sure there were no underlying physical issues causing him to want to use. I had him see a psychologist twice a week for a month until he flat out refused to go anymore. I gave him nurturing love, I also gave him consequences, like when I sold his car because we threatened we would if we found out that his drug use had escalated. Well…it did escalate to LSD, to cocaine, to Xanax addiction and every kind of way to use marijuana possible = the oil, edibles, in a vape, straight up joints. I have been on a non stop roller coaster ride for now going on 6 years. I have learned that you can do everything right a mother and father could possibly do and it means NOTHING if they do not want the change for themselves! He is turning 21 in a couple months. He has moved out on his own, then moved back in, then we through him out because of drugs, then he wormed his way back in last December right before Christmas. I have two other children who are well adjusted and at the time did not want the focus to have to be on whether our son was living on the streets at Christmas time. The rules were that there would be no drug use in the house, that he submit to drug screens and that he had to work full time and show us his pay checks weekly. Well…he did get a job…lost it after two months but lied right up to the day he was supposed to show us his last check stub. Will not submit to a drug screen, and all I have to do is look in his room which is completely disgusting to see remnants of drug use going on in there. I'm trying to raise a 9 and 18 year old amongst this. I'm so TIRED. I just want this to end, yet I still can't stand the thought of him living on the streets – because God knows he won't last on a friends couch sleeping all day long like what he does here when he is supposed to be looking for another job! GOD HELP ME! And yes, I have offered to get him into rehab, I have offered a visit to the regular doctor, and have offered therapy – to which he refuses all of them. I fear my last resort will indeed be kicking him out…God give me the strength to get through it. I need to focus on my own happiness at some point.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this hell. I understand as our stories are similar. I have been dealing with my 32 year old daughter's addiction for several years now and I am exhausted physically, emotionally financially, spiritually and mentally. I have had to take sick leave from work due to the high stress of my life with my daughter and everything that comes with it when dealing with an addict. Stay strong, pray, do the personal work for you. Letting go hurts alot, but what you were doing was not working, just like me. So now we have to let go and try our best to take care of us, and our other loved ones. I have been so consumed with my addict daughter everyone else was totally neglected and now I am paying the price for that with all of my other relationships with other family members. I am new to this as well as I have been so focussed on my AD that nothing or no one else got any of my attention, I lost myself in her addiction. I wish you peace and love.
Laurieann
I am new to this site I attended my first online meeting last night. This topic has really hit home. As I stated last night I believe I did set boundaries and let go. I thought every thing was going well till I got a phone call on 9/5 that my daughter was incarcerated, she was being held without bail till her hearing that happened today. Then all the bad feelings came flooding back. I felt as though I must of stepped back to much, I wasn't aware she even picked up a charge a few months back. I feel like if I have been more involved in her life maybe this wouldn't have happened, maybe she would not have slipped. I also for the first time heard the 3 C's last night so I am trying think positive, its just very hard. My mind says yes that makes sense, the mom says you should of been there, she would of told you.
Kakmom,
If there is one thing I have learned over the last few years of living in this web of addiction, it is that we as loved ones have ZERO control. Our addicts are their own person with free will. You are not to blame. Addicts are experts in manipulation and "being there" would not have changed her choices, nor would she have likely told you (no matter how close you are). Secrecy and the shame associated with using are a powerful part of the addictive personality. She is on this path and she is the driver. A fact that is hard to swallow when as a loved one you want to make it all better. I encourage you to keep coming to meetings and free chatting with others here. The emotional and educational support truly makes a difference. The saying that "meeting makers make it" does not just apply to our addicts. I hope to see you in the chatroom soon 🙂
Hi, rnrnIm the child of two addicts in recovery. Im 22 and they are 40 and 42. My mother has been clean for a long time but horrible things happened while they were in their addiction. I thought I had let go but today I realized that I’m so angry with them still for everything they put me through I was molested and then went into foster care. My mom got me back and raised me from 7 to when I moved out at 20 years old but im so mad at them for neglecting me and putting me through this.. how do I let go of it?
I am new my husband now separated for a year just got through trying for the third time to restore what we had. He was addicted to heroin since age of 16 and all sorts of other drugs. In our dating I found out even though he said he was clean, he was still shooting up heroin. At this point I attempt to
End the relationship but the lies of I’m
Gonna get clean for you got me. He detoxed no recovery program he did it at home and claimed I got this. Me not ever been with anyone who had an addiction, thought ok we will see. We married like 6 months later. Things weren’t perfect but we attended counseling and he started to find work. The behavior patterns are still
There for an addict I learned later. In and out of jobs trying to find his way we went I supported him and kept all the money. He didn’t trust himself with it. About year and half in started seeing really shady behaviors off the chart mood swings. He had been attending individual counseling as well as couple with me but this was different. His friends were shady things didn’t add up so I searched the house and found a syringe 3 months later after countless talks about how I can’t handle your behavior he left. It was very hard to even get him out of the house. He started making good money but couldn’t get an apartment because he had a record, so he’s been living in a hotel. He makes good money no car no drivers license and is comfortable. He has wanted to “date” me on several occasions to try to repair which I fell for. Each time he got angry and threw me out. This last time I told him look you finiacuslly crippled me let’s do the cheapest consented divorce I’ve been asking for 12 months, because by now I think he’s seeing this won’t work. Everytime we get to this point he blocks me for a few days even weeks to avoid what’s going on. I took my wedding ring I purchased from
Him and told him it’s over I can’t live like you I want a healthy life. Now I have been blocked for 3 weeks and neither him or his family will respond or help me persuade him to go to courthouse to end
This. His boss who illegally pays him under the table won’t respond to any texts from a loan he has stiffed me on by being the co-signer. I’m sorry for this being so long but I pray for him everyday to see things clearly and go the right thing and help me end the marriage he refused snd what’s more he’s cut contact. He had things of his here and I’ve told him if there’s someone else ok let’s just do this. He swears there’s no one and not sure if he is consistently using but he stole some of my pain pills when I saw him
A few weeks ago. It just all makes no sense. If he’s using he has the freedom to do so, why hold on to the marriage I’m
Giving him an out?? Any insight would help
Dear Stef-
My heart aches for you when I read this. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting in him. If you only remember one thing from this post, let it be that ONLY HE CAN HELP HIMSELF. He has literally nothing to offer you, including love. It is impossible for anyone to really love someone else if they don’t first love themselves, and learning to live yourself takes a lot of hard, dedicated work. If your gut tells you he is still using, trust it.
I would suggest getting a lawyer and seeking divorce. You deserve more and you have already given enough of your time, energy and happiness to this. It clearly hasn’t helped him-it cannot. Show yourself some real, true love and let him go. You are not alone in this- we are ALL in the same boat despite differences in circumstances.
Hi. I am trying my best to let go now of my son. He is 37 and disabled; lives with me. He has been addicted to everything, but the current item is Crystal Meth. It is the only thing that makes him feel normal, he says. He goes out somewhere and does it, then comes home and is up for three days at a time making messes everywhere. He says terrible things to me, blames me for everything wrong in his life. Then the next three days he remembers nothing of it and can’t get out of bed. He has been to jail, rehab, meetings, you name it, nothing works. Of course I worry what this constant cycle is doing to his body, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where he gets it and he doesn’t do it here. The family blames me because I haven’t “done something”. I am 62 and tired. I am trying to let him feel the full effects of his choices. Crisis counselor told me to do Marchman Act. I know they would only keep him the minimal time and just let him out for him to start the cycle again. A mother’s worst nightmare. God bless us all.
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