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Since posting the above, I've come to understand more about why my addicts parents do what they do.
They make him do his laundry though they provide the facilities. They make it clear that his stay with them is temporary, but will subsidize his rent four doors down with family friends.
In the context of detachment with love, it makes some sense.
In my own experience, the effects of "open door" have been …. Bad. My addict's friend down the street gets out of san Quentin this week. He will go home to his mom and to his now adult kids who deal out of granny's house. His other friend told him he wished his mom was still alive so he could live in the mansion he grew up in. Another friend claims He can't work bc of a bad heart, but he can do car mechanics on the side and deal drugs while being enabled by the government.
I live in an area generally known to be nice.
My esh is that setting boundaries early is the most loving thing.
Folks, Ty again tonight for healing moments.
My haunting fear is that I could say something now that would change how life is in 2025. 35. Beyond.
It is for al those who thought it was normal, and it is not, that I must say something.
Your kids are the age mine might have been had I chosen to have them. It is now too late for that, but not too late for your kids.
They are fourteen. Seventeen. Twenty-one. They have a young hope of getting out and up. Please. For them and for you, let then. For ad hard as it seems, sometimes a cushion is the cruelest thund
I hear you. I am also new to this forum. My daughter is 21 and she too is smart beautiful – SATs out of this world, high honor role student and then she met an idiot boy who introduced her to heroin and has lived off of her for the last 3 plus years. She is so sweet and does not know how to say no to anyone.
I have read your words and I too am going through the same. She is in her second round of rehab in two months. I wish I never sent her to the first place – Greenbrier in Washington Pa. I think this place just made it worse for her. They didn't address her mental issues. She is now in Cove Forge in Williamsburg, Pa. I have heard they have a good reputation for dual diagnoses treatment. I have learned a lot in the last two months about rehab facilities and I now know that general Rehab facilities that do not have dual diagnoses treatment are not worth sending your loved one to. Most people with addition have mental issues to deal with too. You can't get a hold on the addiction unless you treat the mental illness too. My daughter has severe depression and anxiety and that is what I am trying to focus on in her treatments and when she gets out of rehab. I am praying that this dual diagnoses facility has the tools and the proper treatments to help her. They also focus on proper nutrition and being physically fit.
I am at the same point where you are. My daughter has done the same things to me and my feelings are the same as yours. I am actually sorry I brought here into this world being that she is so miserable and the only way she can deal with anything is by getting high. I am lost, alone and totally miserable. If I could save her from this I would gladly give up my life. She is what makes my world.
The choice comes down to whether they are in a program or not. 12 step or not. My healthy boundary is not to talk to almost all of my bf friends. My exception? If they are in a program with him.
The worst thing a parent could do to a 21 yo addict is say, it's ok honey. Live here some more. That is how a 51 yo addict is made who is weirdly subservient to mom's demand for a trip to the store.Mom's doctor. His love comes with many strings, among them being a place to live and do drugs.
Give kids a chance. Don't enable them.
Dear ALO,
I resent to the seething core of my body everyone who helped you do the meth you do.
Your friends. Generation upon generation. Unemployable, living with their moms, roaming the beaches. Flashing knives at friends and getting in fights over who fishes where for the big fish, while taking pains to take cover from the meth squad. They are 35-55. These are the friends you have had for a lifetime, these are the people you are attracted to. Drug users and dealers. I can't make direct amends to them being that I am afraid of them physically. So my amends is to keep my derision and thus myself away from them and to ask my hp how to help with this resentment.
Your mom. As much as I hate them, I hate her more for having written out rent checks to your landlords, for taking you in time after time, even as you become eligible for AARP yourself. For not seeing the signs of drug abuse on her own kid. I hate her for insisting on her Hallmark Holidays while not insisting on an intervention.
I need healing from this resentment. You've invited me over. So I will say my part, which will be that I'm sorry I have acted distant and at times annoyed. I acted like I did not like your dog and cat. Your dog and cat are really cute. No, really. I know that family is really special and I do respect that. Thank you for having me over.
I will hope that this puts my resentment to rest.
I am 58 years old, lost my husband 3 years ago, and now am dealing with my 31 year old son who is an addict, going through divorce, and living home with me. I am paying for him, since December, to attend a methadone clinic. I thought he was making progress, but although he is not using heroine, he still has not changed. I am at my end. I want to let go, but he has no one and no where to go, and is ruining my life.
Hello Jude,
I can relate to what you are talking about. I have an 18 year old who has just become blatantly rebellious and no matter what I do or say, she seems to get worse. No matter how much I try to show her how much I love and care for her she pulls away. I was feeling like I had done something wrong or not done enough of something, then I realized, I'm only one person, I can only do so much. It all started when she was about 15 and I let her go to NJ for the summer to stay with my mother in law. When she came she was not my baby girl anymore. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was definitely different. A year later at 16, I found out she was sexually active from a phone I received at work from a neighbor. I was so furious when I went home, I just walked in the house and didn't say a word, I hit her. I was upset at the fact that I kept asking her even though I already knew she was active, but she kept looking me in the face and lying. Well, after that she took some pills and ended up in the hospital for a week and then to Holly Hill for another week. Even though, I stayed at the hospital with her, never left her side, she acted like she didn't want me their. Just recently she was caught smoking weed in my house and when she was confronted about that, she ended up leaving (moving out) as she calls it. I later find out she has been sleeping from house to house, not eating, sleeping with guys to get high, and she tells my friends that she left because she wants to get high and drink and she knows she can't do that in my house. There is not a day or night that went by that I did not miss her, but I did not try to find her because I wanted to show her tough love and get her to see that the people she left to be with did not care about her. She did finally get tired of running the street and is now back home, but we are still working things out. I have learned that once I prayed to God to take that pressure off of me, I had to really step back and let him do whatever he gonna do. We can do all we can to try to help our babies, she is my only girl as well. But we have to learn that we truly can not help anyone that does want the help. I don't what it is with this generation, they actually have to fall on their faces before they wake up and see that we are only have their best interest at heart. At the same time we have to realize that they are young adults and we can no longer make ourselves responsible for the choices they make and the paths they choose to take. We can just continue to love them, pray for them, and put them completely in Gods hands because if he doesn't change them, they won't change. I will be keeping you and your daughter in prayer and I ask the same of you. Be encouraged and keep your head. Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY cometh in the morning!
Tooblessed 🙂
HI Jude.. I am in the same boat with my 21 year old Son. With this last episode. He had stolen my ATM and withdrew money from my accounts, and I finally noticed, only because my card was missing and he wasn't able to put the card back in my purse one morning (he had been doing this after he got off this last parole for about a month). So I called home to ask if he had used my card and that was the last time I heard from him or talked to him. He is on contact with my 20 year old daughter, off n on. So she relayed the message that we were kicking him out. He's been out in the streets since end of June and I have been to 2 Naranon meetings. These are the days I seem to sleep the best. But am still very new to '"letting go"… and struggling with the fact that I kicked him out in to the streets…..Not even really sure what he is using.. he tells his Sister anything and everything he can use. I supspected heroin. When he was 14 he od'd on meth, cocaine, and alcohol combo. He barely made it out of that alive and I thought that was his rock bottom, but here we are again at 21 and I am trying to let him fall and figure out what he needs to do for himself. Not sure that he will be OK with doing any rehab AGAIN anytime soon, So I just sit here hoping and praying that day will come. I feel your pain.
Much Love,
MC
Letting go. Wow. I work at it. It is different with different people.
My Dad was a drunk, but he was abusive so letting him go (with love) was not that hard. I could wish for the best for him – and actually the best did happen for him in many ways.
My daughter's father was a different story. It took me years of Al-Anon meetings (no Nar-Anon then) and yet finally I let go with love rather than resentment because I could not fix his problems. I never stopped loving him despite all the years we were apart (my choice) and I was very sad when he committed suicide after yet another relapse. All I could think is: At least he is not suffering anymore.
My daughter is another thing entirely. I know I cannot save her from herself. I was so sad because she knew of the family history and was so careful never to drink, smoke, or use any recreational drugs – and then she got hooked after a necessary surgery. Part of me wanted to scream: This isn't fair! Life isn't fair, though. She's my greatest sorrow and my greatest joy. She's brilliant and talented and crazy and addicted. She has the potential to do so much and yet she's probably going to end up dead from an OD. She just cannot keep it together. It breaks my heart. She's lost her kids, her marriage, her job, her ability to work (she's in very poor health) and may soon be on the streets.
I can't fix it. If I had super powers I'd take the mental illness and addiction (they are co-morbid disorders with virtually all addicts) away and then see what happened from there.
When everything looks grim I remind myself that if I am sad and exhausted and overwhelmed it is nothing compared to what the DD addict feels. I rarely hear from her now. Sometimes I have no idea if she is alive or dead. I've asked people in the area where she lives to let me know if they find her body. How sad is that?
Hello, this is my very first post to this site. I need help. I'm killing myself to keep my daughter from killing herself. If that makes any sence. But, as her mother, I feel that I've got to keep trying. She is addicted to smoking weed and spice and drinking liquor. And if she has the money, she does oxys also. I'm at a loss. She has just recently lost custody of her two children. Thank GOD that my sister has a wonderful home with a wonderful husband and other children. She took them in. When my daughter comes home high, it's a slap in the face. I tell her to not come home if she's going go out and get high. I'm lost. I've gotten to where I go through her purse and her truck to make sure she doesn't have anything. And well, I usually find something. She has overdosed twice and had to be put on life support. She was smoking spice, taking ambien and oxys and xanax at the same time. Why would a person do that? I've had to call 911 plenty of times because I couldn't wake her up. About a month ago, she had to be brought to the er by ambulance and she had a 3.7 blood alcohol level. Right there at a coma state. She just got back from a week benge. I couldn't get in touch with her or the "friend" she was with, but I knew almost where they might be. I called the police after 3 days of not being able to get in touch with her and they finally found her and brought her home. When she's gone I find myself calling or texting her almost constantly. And I sit on my patio waiting for her to get back home. I'm scared to death that I will out live her. That cannot happen. I can't let it. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to be able to protect her from everything bad. I feel like I'm living to keep her alive….that's my only purpose in life is to keep my daughter alive.
[quote][b]Quote from Prizm96 on December 20, 2013, 15:21[/b]
I am really, really struggling right now. My husband has been an active addict for about 5 years now. We have been attending AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings for about a year now. He still has many bouts of use. He's a strange bird as he isn't an everyday user, but maybe weekly or biweekly. He is attempting the 12 step programs and really does seem to have his heart in it.
I am very familiar with the steps and concept of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon (We currently have no Nar-Anon groups available locally.) But I can't seem to LET GO.
For example, there are days that are known triggers: When it's been a couple of weeks and it's a pay-week, is more than likely when he'll use. So…… on those days (TODAY) I am a wreck with worry and anxiety! It literally makes my day a complete waste. I know, logically, that this is stupid. I know all of the things I'm supposed to know: I didn't cause this, I can't change it. I can't control what he does/doesn't do. I'm in control of my own happiness. God can restore me to sanity. (I pray ALL the time).
I know all of this….. but I can't seem to stop. I went home at lunch and was like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out if he was high or not. Sometimes it's so blatant, there's no doubt. Other times, there's a hint of doubt and I make it my J-O-B to figure it out. Even though, I know that isn't the healthy thing to do….. for ME.
Don't get me wrong though, I am HUGELY better than I was, say a year ago. Before many Al-Anon meetings, but I still struggle occasionally. And this is one of those occasions. I thought I was doing tons better awhile ago, but a couple of weeks ago he got high on a pretty important day, something we had to do. I was devastated and can't seem to shake it. I'm so angry, hurt, frustrated, on and on and on…….
I need a sponsor. Period. With my schedule now, I am able to attend 2 different Al-Anon meetings. And they DO help, but there isn't anyone at those meetings that I feel is a good sponsor for me. They are both extremely small meetings. One night is just me and an old man that started it because there was a need. He's been in AA for 25 years, he's never been on this side of the disease. The other meeting has a really great lady that I love to talk to, but she's never had to practice this program with an active addict. In fact, she often says she doesn't know if she could handle it if her husband stepped back out. *sigh* I need experience, strength and hope from someone that's "been there, done that". Someone that has actual, real life experience with active addiction.
I know what I'm "supposed" to do. I just don't know HOW. Or what that looks like in a real life situations. It's easy to say, "Detach with love" or "Let go and let God" or the Serenity Prayer. But what does that really look like when you come home from work with plans for the family to go shopping or out to eat and your husbands high? What if it makes you sick to your stomach to be around him in this state?
Do you break the plans? Causing distress for the kids. Do you suck it up and play 'good wife'?
I get so angry sometimes when I read the literature and go to the meetings and it says something about 'not causing arguments, stress, don't nag, etc
I mean, God forbid we make the addict angry, right?!?!
I'm sorry. I think I've babbled enough. I'm just really having a hard time today. I have attended one of these online meetings a few weeks ago. I think I'll try it again.
Is it possible to have an online sponsor? Someone you've never met? Is that honestly successful?
Thank you to anyone still reading this craziness. I just needed to get it out.
Love to all of you!
Chrissy [/quote]
I agree that detaching with love is hard. When I was first exposed to this concept, I would show no emotion and act like I did not care. Now I am sympathetic, but not empathetic, because I still become angry when I notice my DH is sabotaging himself by using too many pain pills and going through withdrawals. Thank you, Leftcoastannie, for providing some encouragement. Being sympathetic is definitely better than acting like I did not care about what my DH was going through when he got angry at doctors or went through withdrawals.
[quote][b]Quote from leftcoastannie on November 22, 2013, 18:53[/b]
Hi teenykat,
Boy, can I relate to what youâve been experiencing. In the beginning I spent so much time denying that things would never be the same. âKept waiting for my addicted loved one to stop the destructive behavior so we could pick up where we left off, but of course that didnât happen. My addicted loved one had changed and so had I. Change usually involves grieving the way things were, or the loss of what might have been. Eventually I found that the only way to move past the pain (and anger) was to allow myself to grieve. I cried, did a LOT of praying, cried, went to meetings, cried, read Nar-Anon literature and cried while spending time chatting with other members – they were the only people who really understood what I was going through. I invite you to attend a meeting here in the chat room. There is a fellowship of warm, caring people who are there for you and others to lean on. Hope to chat with you soon.
Yours in service and friendship,
Annie
[/quote]
Thank you, Leftcoastannie, for sharing the process you went through to learn how to detach with love. I have been in CoDA for less than a year, and I have trouble doing this. I just have to be patient with myself. 😉
I am new to this site…My addict is my 25 year old beautiful, lost daughter. DOC is meth among I am sure others. Also her addict bf. I really need an online meeting as we only have one Naranon meeting in our state! I would love a sponsor as well. It is a family disease for sure and I am not sure how our family got to this moment? I have been in contact with the bf mom who is in the exact same place as I am. Lost. Sad. Sick and struggling. I have been following Naranon on Facebook and that has really helped as well. We are a faith filled family, I have an incredibly supportive husband, who is my daughters step-dad. We have gone to the police, the ED, multiple treatment centers…I enable but am working on that as I grow and learn about addiction. I even texted Dr Phil 3 times.
any help would be greatly appreciated. I want to help her save herself 🙁
[quote][b]Quote from MamaNeedsHelp on December 26, 2015, 19:34[/b]
Hello, this is my very first post to this site. I need help. I'm killing myself to keep my daughter from killing herself.
I right there with you…..my first day here too. my daughter too. letting go seems the most unnatural thing for a mam to do. IF they were sick with cancer, anything…we would do whatever we needed to save them. I hate this. I hate that this is part of my story. I almost wish for a car accident or something that would put her in the hospital for while…how bad it that? I pray constantly. Looking for answers right with you.
I am a mother with a 46 year old daughter who began using pain pills around 30 yr of age and it escalated over time. She has a master's degree in mental health counseling, owned 25% of a mental health provider company, a home and a mercedes and today all of those things are gone including her teeth. She was absolutely one of the most beautiful young women and the addiction of pain pills and the last year pain pills melted and intravenously used along with cocaine intravenously used has been hell. She did not begin until she was 30 yr old but blames me – her mother for working and leaving her alone after school etc… She went into detox/rehab December 20th relapsed the 2nd week of February, back into rehab and as of yesterday was sent to a working farm…no visitors for 30 days and no phone calls for 30 days.
It is painful to me to be blamed.
Hopeless Jude-
I can totally relate. My prayers to you and your daughter. A couple of moths ago I found out my AS pretty much emptied our retirement account. Had to go through and press charges. It was the best thing for him. Even though there were 50 or more credit card transactions with 3 charges for each transaction, 2 felonies per charge over 4 counties.The lies and manipulation was ungodly. It was rock bottom for me. I got on the program and meetings and I got my life back slowly. I am finally able to breathe, where there was not any air. My son is due out of a rehab. I have to let him be who he is, using or not. i am learning that I need to find peace for myself even if my AS sober or not. We know how hard it is to change ourselves, so to change another person isnt happening. I have to love where they are at. I am always hopefully for sobriety and will celebrate success when he embraces it. I hope that for all our ALO. Please find a meeting f2f or online. You dont have to be alone. There are friends here that know exactly what your going through and support you. Once we change ourselves the rest falls into place. A place for happiness once again. Many gentle hugs. We all need them.
Letting go is not giving up but realizing that we do not have control over the addict. I found out that until they make the decision to get it out of their lives there is nothing we can do and by always trying to step in and take control we are just hurting ourselves. They are going to do what they are going to do. My daughter is 30 and just got out of residential treatment. I attended the family therapy and did the homework. The homework was basically an assessment on communication, enabling on my part, and setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is difficult but I am trying to stick to those boundaries. The addict learns to manipulate us and only we can stop the manipulation. My daughter has in the past taken things and money to buy drugs with but I was easily talked into giving her money because of her kids. I won't do that anymore. I will buy what she needs and only if there are no other options. I don't give her access to my bank accounts or cards and I have learned a new phrase for those times she comes and tells me she has a problem. I say ok-What are you going to do about it? Fixing it has always been my reaction to problems but that is where I enabled. I am learning to let go and make her solve her own problems. I am having a hard time with wanting to text her and ask her if she is doing what she is suppose to. I was told that letting go is not giving up but giving the problem back to the person it belongs to. Us by wanting to control the person actually drives them to relapsing. I guess if I had someone constantly asking me what are you doing, are you going to meetings, talking to your sponsor etc would be more irritating than helpful. I catch myself doing this and I am just trying to have faith that she is doing what she needs to do. I blame myself too but a friend of mine just reminded me that I wasn't the one giving my daughter drugs, I wasn't the one making the bad decisions, I didn't put the drugs in her hand and made her take them.My daughter hid it all from me and lied about everything. Right now I don't trust her and she knows that I don't. I still feel guilty that I couldn't stop her and that she could so easily get me to believe her lies. It hurts and I am anxious all of the time. I have to relearn everything I believed.
HI Jude
everything you are saying I am going through and feeling. My 24 year old son was addicted to oxy and is now using meth and heroine. He is currently wandering the streets of a strange city and I had to say no. I am heartbroken and am starting to realize that I may be as ill as he is. I am hoping to find some help and encouragement in this group as well. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Take good care of you.
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