Guest
Addiction is a family disease. It affects all those who have a relationship with an addict. Those of us closest to our addicted loved ones suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the addict's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much and what they use. We confuse caring with controlling by trying to manage their drug use. We become as addicted to our addict, as our addict is to drugs. We, too, can become ill. The drug addict needs help and so do we.
Let go with love… is a hard phrase to contimplate because we must admit to ourselves we cannot do a single thing but to let go. There is no other way but for the addict to completely be accountable for their own actions. I've put myself in a situation where its a lose lose battle and I need to stop holding myself back.
Hi Crissy
Good for you for acknowledging your limitations when it comes to letting go with love. It is definitely a slow process. With much patience and Step work I was able to get there. It can happen for you too! Thanks for sharing!
Yours in friendship and service,
Annie
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
I am new to this site, but i can totally feel this topic… I let go with Love about 1.5 years ago. I was ok with it in the beginning, but now that i am getting in touch with my inner feelings, I am feeling terrible. I have more bad days than good days… I can just cry for no reason… All i keep thinking is What If…. 🙁
Hi teenykat,
Boy, can I relate to what youâve been experiencing. In the beginning I spent so much time denying that things would never be the same. âKept waiting for my addicted loved one to stop the destructive behavior so we could pick up where we left off, but of course that didnât happen. My addicted loved one had changed and so had I. Change usually involves grieving the way things were, or the loss of what might have been. Eventually I found that the only way to move past the pain (and anger) was to allow myself to grieve. I cried, did a LOT of praying, cried, went to meetings, cried, read Nar-Anon literature and cried while spending time chatting with other members – they were the only people who really understood what I was going through. I invite you to attend a meeting here in the chat room. There is a fellowship of warm, caring people who are there for you and others to lean on. Hope to chat with you soon.
Yours in service and friendship,
Annie
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
I am really, really struggling right now. My husband has been an active addict for about 5 years now. We have been attending AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings for about a year now. He still has many bouts of use. He's a strange bird as he isn't an everyday user, but maybe weekly or biweekly. He is attempting the 12 step programs and really does seem to have his heart in it.
I am very familiar with the steps and concept of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon (We currently have no Nar-Anon groups available locally.) But I can't seem to LET GO.
For example, there are days that are known triggers: When it's been a couple of weeks and it's a pay-week, is more than likely when he'll use. So…… on those days (TODAY) I am a wreck with worry and anxiety! It literally makes my day a complete waste. I know, logically, that this is stupid. I know all of the things I'm supposed to know: I didn't cause this, I can't change it. I can't control what he does/doesn't do. I'm in control of my own happiness. God can restore me to sanity. (I pray ALL the time).
I know all of this….. but I can't seem to stop. I went home at lunch and was like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out if he was high or not. Sometimes it's so blatant, there's no doubt. Other times, there's a hint of doubt and I make it my J-O-B to figure it out. Even though, I know that isn't the healthy thing to do….. for ME.
Don't get me wrong though, I am HUGELY better than I was, say a year ago. Before many Al-Anon meetings, but I still struggle occasionally. And this is one of those occasions. I thought I was doing tons better awhile ago, but a couple of weeks ago he got high on a pretty important day, something we had to do. I was devastated and can't seem to shake it. I'm so angry, hurt, frustrated, on and on and on…….
I need a sponsor. Period. With my schedule now, I am able to attend 2 different Al-Anon meetings. And they DO help, but there isn't anyone at those meetings that I feel is a good sponsor for me. They are both extremely small meetings. One night is just me and an old man that started it because there was a need. He's been in AA for 25 years, he's never been on this side of the disease. The other meeting has a really great lady that I love to talk to, but she's never had to practice this program with an active addict. In fact, she often says she doesn't know if she could handle it if her husband stepped back out. *sigh* I need experience, strength and hope from someone that's "been there, done that". Someone that has actual, real life experience with active addiction.
I know what I'm "supposed" to do. I just don't know HOW. Or what that looks like in a real life situations. It's easy to say, "Detach with love" or "Let go and let God" or the Serenity Prayer. But what does that really look like when you come home from work with plans for the family to go shopping or out to eat and your husbands high? What if it makes you sick to your stomach to be around him in this state?
Do you break the plans? Causing distress for the kids. Do you suck it up and play 'good wife'?
I get so angry sometimes when I read the literature and go to the meetings and it says something about 'not causing arguments, stress, don't nag, etc
I mean, God forbid we make the addict angry, right?!?!
I'm sorry. I think I've babbled enough. I'm just really having a hard time today. I have attended one of these online meetings a few weeks ago. I think I'll try it again.
Is it possible to have an online sponsor? Someone you've never met? Is that honestly successful?
Thank you to anyone still reading this craziness. I just needed to get it out.
Love to all of you!
Chrissy
I feel the same way as a lot of ya'll s posts.I cry over big things,small things,anything really. I know when he is or has used,but I stopped being a detective and looking through his stuff,phone,wallet.etc.It is hard to refrain from not doing it,but I do feel better that I m not freaked out about things I used to find. I try to live my life and not enable, rescue,codependent.etc.reading ,and going to meetings ,and feeling my feelings, bringing things to light is about what is keeping me sane @ this point.It is very hard living with someone I don't trust.
I feel the exact same way. Letting go is giving up to me also and I cant get passed that. My husband just got out of inpatient rehab today and he told me about times he was using and I didnt know about it. He was lying to me the whole time! I attacked him verbally I drowned him in my emotions and I realized I messed up. I let my anger get the best of me. I tried to take control of fixing him and us and tried to control the outcome. I cant let go of being angry at him. He is living at his mothers right now but I think that is best for both of us at this moment.
I am new to this forum and I am desperate for support. I spent my day today looking for local meetings. I am the mother of a 22 year old daughter addicted to OxyContin, it has been 3 years of hell. She was an honor student in high school, captain of the cheerleading team, and on the homecoming court, it was not suppose to go this way. She was introduced at 19 and I lost her then. She has stolen from me, wrote counter checks to withdraw money from my bank account. She spent 63 days in rehab, has been arrested and on and on and on. I have tried everything to save her. She was on suboxone for the past year, got off it right before thanksgiving and relapsed. She again stole money from me, took my ATM card out of my wallet and withdrew money as well as ordering duplicates of my credit cards. I sent her to NJ to spend time with her very uninvolved dad, in hopes that she would wake up. The lies, manipulation, and deception continues, she just doesn't get it and I am exhausted. She is my only daughter and I want so badly to help her but I am truly helpless. I cry for no reason, can not stay focused on anything and no one can relate to my issues. I feel like I am somehow to blame and I am starting to resent everyone around me with normal kids, I just done want to hear about everyone's great, successful happy kids. That was suppose to be me. I am now 1 full week with no contact with my daughter and it is killing me. I had to break it off, I could not stand the lies and manipulation any longer. Any help would be great.
Hopeless Jude
I am the partner of an addict and I have been coping with this for the past two years. The past couple of days I have been having a terribly hard time sticking by him. He's not being honest and I just have so much built up anger that I can't stand even looking at him. I don't know what to do. Nothing I could possibly say would mean anything to him. I feel alone in this relationship, but I am too afraid to let go because I would feel guilty leaving him to deal with this problem without me. How do I know when it's time for me to leave? Should I leave?
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I've started having panic attacks and I know that I'm at the point where I need help. The only problem is that he is the one that I've learned to lean on these past six years. He's my best friend.
Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone already been through this? Is there still hope?
Hi Cheri,
I use to take the addictsâ behaviors personally (if they really loved me they wouldn't do what they do). But the more educated I became about addiction I realized that their behavior really had nothing to do with me, even though it did impact my life. They did/do what addicts do. They did not intend to hurt me or cause me pain. Their behaviors are all symptoms of the disease. It was easy to become a victim because there were so many things that were beyond my control, I was powerless. But as I worked my own recovery I realized that life would never get better if I didnât have the courage to actively change the things I had control over. Setting boundaries was a first step. I had to decide what I was willing to tolerate based on my principles. Every individual is entitled to personal boundaries (including the addict). Then I made sure that my addicted loved ones (ALOs) understood what those boundaries were. I set those boundaries to take care of myself not to force a change in the addictsâ behavior. Then I had to be ready to follow through with whatever changes I needed to make if my boundaries were crossed. When I wouldnât maintain my boundaries it would lower my self-esteem making me a victim all over again. I guess this is a long way of saying we are only victims if we choose to be. It takes courage to choose not to be a victim. Iâm the one responsible for my own happiness and self-care. Iâm the one who needs to make the changes necessary to take my life back. I canât expect another person to do it.
Hugs,
Annie
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
April 8th:
"There can be great value in examining the past. It can offer information about the present, as well as clues that might help us make changes for a better future. For those of us who denied, distorted, or lost touch with painful memories, facing the reality of our past can be a critical part of our Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon) recovery. Fond memories must also be recognized if we hope to look back in a realistic way.
Still, it is important to remember that the past is over. We are powerless over what has gone before. Although we can take stpes to make amends, we cannot change the fact that we have harmed others. And we cannot change the fact that others have harmed us. We have only the power to change this present day.
The best use we can make of the past is to face it and then move on. We can certainly learn from all that we have experienced, but we mustn't let it hold us back from living here and now."
–Courage to Change, pg. 99
This is my favorite page on letting go in "Courage to Change." I myself find it hard to let go frequently, as I just broke up with my ex girlfriend May 2014 who is now a recovering heroin addict. Unbeknownst to me, she was using heroin in my home, and without my knowledge for about 6-8 months, and that was after her addiction to Oxycotin. My "letting go" was the most painful and tormenting experience ever for me: after seeing her go through 2 detox facilities, 3 rehabs, and 1 SLE, and only actually completing 1 rehab out of everything, I couldn't take the pain any longer. I lost myself, and lost what it meant to be "me." I didn't know how to have fun anymore, which is slowly but surely coming back.
Now that we are not together anymore, it still bothers me from time to time to think of her; she was my everything, my love. She still wants to be in a relationship with me because she loves me, and I still love her, and I always will. Letting go is to release that pain and torment with LOVE. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let the one you love go, and explore the world by themselves and make their own choices. I am still grieving over her loss; it's like losing a part of you that was so deeply embedded. Its still hard for me to think of the past and all its good and bad times, but it's healthy in a way to experience the feelings that come along with the memories, so we know that we can handle them.
Jude – I am in EXACTLY the same boat as you – just found out that my 26 year old daughter didn't pay her rent – took her half of the rent and her boyfriends half of the rent and did who knows what with it – to I bail her out "this time" or let her end up homeless – she can't come here as she has burned her bridges – I don't know if her father will let her go there or not – I am sick – I am taking her to her first rehab meeting today – I wish they had put her in an inpatient program but they did not – I need to take her 3 days a week – I feel I can't trust her to go on her own so I am taking her – It seems so hopeless
Hello, I am new here. Reading all of your messages has really hit home. I am a mother of a 19 year old addict…synthetic marijuana, meth, cocaine, pills, shrooms (and many more that I don't know anything about). He has been to one outpatient rehab and two inpatient rehabs. This last rehab seemed to be the right thing but it only lasted 2 1/2 months sober. In and out of jail, facing felony charges, I could go on and on. It is hard to let go, as he is my only baby. Having that motherly instinct, I feel if I put him out he will end up dead or worse off than he is now. I can't wrap my mind around how turning my back on him will be better. I know at times I am an enabler and I am really working on that. I have never had to make him do without and when he is hungry I let him go get him something to eat, or if he needs something I allow him to get it. In return he usually takes cash out of the ATM or keeps my Credit Card and doesn't come home for a couple of days. But it is in those first moments when he promises he will be right back that I want to trust him to do that and that is where my struggle is. I know I am rambling on and on and probably going in circles but I am really at my last straw and don't know what to do. Please help….
It seems it is now my turn to finally say enough is enough. I threw out my grandson last night after catching him smoking crack or something in a pipe on Christmas day. He has lost job after job and can't live alone won't take his meds for his bipolar and has been thrown out of numerous halfway houses, some very nice people tried to help him. He is 30 . His mother and I have enabled him. Now he is back with mom temporary. I will not help him again no matter how much I love him. This breaks my heart. He lies , threatens and can be abusive when he drinks. No more.
My BF and I are both 50. He has been a meth addict since he was 20. When I said I COULD (not would) tell his mother about his meth addiction, he left 14 text/vms all threatening to break up if I dared disturb his mother's "peace of mind." Her insisting that everything was a Hallmark Holiday denied him a bottom for three decades. He can always run back to her. She has doomed him.
Your daughter is only 19. You are not denying her addiction. Save her now. Those who love her 30 years from now will have every respect that you did.
2 Guest(s)