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hello all, I am in need of reassurance and perspective. My partner, the addicted loved one in my life, has recently got his own car. This is causing me considerable anxiety. I'm sure you understand why that would be. & I need to get a grip on myself because it's literally driving me crazy to think of the possibilities that he will have to use. & I know the 3 C's and I am trying so hard to lean on the literature. But its not helping right now, I want to cry every 10 minutes just even thinking about what this road is going to look like or could look like. & I know I shouldn't be all off in the future with it, but I can't help it. & I just would like some thoughts, remind me again of what I need to know to get through this please.
I should give more context…he is in recovery, as am I. Has been doing good since the begining of the year. He attends two meetings a week, and recently was asked to consider being the secretary for one meeting, which he in considering. He reads his literature regularly and has a few "recovery buddies" that he's in contact with. I go to a meeting once a week, and try to join in here once a week as well. Have increased my reading and am really trying to work on positively occupying myself. The thing is he lied to me about another thing, not addiction related, something dumb and unnecessary, and it just has flared all the insecurities and chaos of the past. I do see growth and see him trying, but I think I did not realized how enmeshed I really am until the new car freedom came up. Granted, based on past history, I had a boundary in place where he couldn't use my car and I think he began to feel confined by that. But it was a false sense of security for me, now I really have to practice detachment. I can't figure out if I'm overreacting or justifiably concerned, my mind just keeps swirling around…UGH!!! OK. Enough.
Peace.<3
Just going to keep on going here…so, when I tried to talk to my partner about some of the misgivings I was having, his defensive posture really confirmed for me there was more going on than he was saying. I know from experience, this means he was using. He tried to say it was some family matters getting to him, which if course made me feel like an ass for being on his head about things so I backed off but the feeling persisted. I was trying to self check to see if I was obsessing about nothing (you know how we can explain away things). I just kept praying for revelation. Writing in my journal, asking to let go let god, asking for patience, asking for the guidance and support to just focus on me, but I also asked my higher power to please reveal, give me that "burning bush" so to speak. Something irrefutable by me or him that would let me know what was going on. I even went and picked up two drug tests thinking that I would finally ask him to take one. (Plus one if he got to dropping shit in the toilet "by accident"). But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something obvious, or near by. He was at work while I was thinking so hard on this. I went and just stood in the bedroom and something told me to check the pockets of the clothes in the closet. About halfway though, I hit one shirt pocket and there was a 'clink'. The sound of glass hitting glass. I reached in and withdrew 3 sooty chipped crack pipes. Right there. In my hand. In my house. I was numb, just kept saying "wow". I took a pic of them in my hand with my phone just in case he moved them or tried to deny they existed. When he came home, in his usual routine, he went straight upstairs, then came down to make tea. While he was making the tea, I went up to use the bathroom and saw his NA book on the side of the tub, like he was getting ready to do his nightly reading (for hours – which I had been getting increasingly suspicious of). I went and checked the shirt pocket…and there were only 2 pipes there now. I was shaking and heart racing by now, knowing I had to confront him before he got high, because otherwise it would have been pointless. And I knew I wouldn't be able to play it off until the next day. So, yea. He has been using, and going to meetings twice a week, and reading his literature, faking it. And was all ready to use last night. I didn't bother with a whole lot of questions because I knew I would just get a spew of lies. I just let him know that this was it, and asked him how much time he needed to gather his things and leave because the boundary was that I will not live with active addiction. Now, is this active addiction or a relapse? Not sure, he says he's been using for about a month, hell he's only been in recovery two months. Plus there was previous activity in the last part of 2014….so, he may have never stopped using. If so, it was really brief. At any rate, I left out and went to an Alanon meeting tonight because there was no naranon meeting nearby. I'm really mad, more so disappointed and sad. But I CAN say, that this program helped me prepare for this moment. And I know I have to keep it up because I will just repeat the same errors in judgement if I don't get help for myself. I have to learn to synchronize my gut and my heart, or at least LISTEN to my intuition in the first place. (Like way back when we started the relationship two and a half years ago.) if I'm mad at anyone, it's myself. And now I'm really at the letting go part. If it's meant to be it will come back around I the years to come. But I have to put my oxygen mask on first or this will kill me. I love my partner and want the very, very best for him. But I love me too and know I have to be my first priority in getting my life back on track. Maybe someone will find this helpful. I'm thankful for the space to write it all out.
Remember "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
Time for a change.
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