Nar-Anon Chat™

My bf of 6 years was never an easy going guy. he was always a bit verbally and emotionally abusive from day 1. It started out in a joking sort of way though, like it was all in good fun, he was just teasing. He is also an alcoholic. Beer mostly, things would get nasty though when he'd get into the hard stuff, so he tried to stay away from it. He did mostly and stuck with the beer. He also smoked pot. I often wished he'd quit drinking and just smoke pot because he was far more pleasant as it seemed to stabilize his mood. I don't do either. Well, I might have a couple sips of champagne on New Year's, or maybe a drink once a year, but I really don't like the way it makes me feel. I was often called a prude and told I was no fun by him.

There were occasions when he could get my anxiety levels up so high that I made bad choices to stop my panic attacks (mainly cutting). He would yell and yell for hours insults and tell me how I should just kill myself and I'd be better off dead. He wouldn't relent until I was bleeding, though he never thought it had anything to do with him. I just proved his point on how crazy I really was.

He was working with a local beekeeper who went south for most of the colder months with his hives. For two years he was after my BF to go and help him and finally I said he should go, that my daughter and I would be fine and it would only be a few weeks. About two weeks in, he called saying he had it with his boss and that he was coming home. He "couldn't" do the layover in NYC with the bus, so I had to pick him up… 3 states over. I drove 5 hours to get him. When I picked him up, the first thing he did, was to get a drink, so I had to drive the 5 hours back as well. When we arrived home, he started yelling and screaming and became violent because I put some of his extra clothes away in a tote. He broke picture frames, flipped the table overthrew things at me. became physically violent with me and pulled the phone out of the wall and broke it when I threatened to call the police. That was the thanks I received for driving 10 hours to bring him home.

The next few months were very much like that night. I thought he was drinking hard liquor again and just hiding it. He would be up almost all night then still go to work the next day. some days though he wouldn't get out of bed at all. He wouldn't eat dinner with us and when I made a fuss, he said my cooking sucked and why would he want to eat the crap I made. When I asked why he was out in the garage so late every night it was because then he didn't have to sleep next to me. I thought he hated me.

My daughter and I started going to Alanon meetings and when he found out, he again destroyed the house. Every time we went, he started a fight and if I didn't fight back, he would argue the part with himself. I tried to go to bed and he would randomly come in yelling at me. He would hit me with a pillow or throw things at me until I woke up so he could yell at me, IF I tried to leave, he blocked the doors, If I tried to call the cops, he pulled the phone out of the wall. If I got out the door he'd grab my car keys or physically drag me back into the house. I actually contemplated suicide to get away. I couldn't do that though because who would keep my daughter safe then? If he was yelling at me, she could do no wrong.

Then one night he did say something about her father (he was not her father and her father is not involved in her life for a good reason). He started yelling it and saying things that weren't really true. I told him to stop. He didn't. I told him if he didn't he would have to leave for good. I was calm until he threatened her. Then I went into mama bear mode and his ass was out of my home within the hour. I didn't care that he had me by my neck against the wall, I was ready to fight back this time if he intended to do anything to her. He realized it and left.

He denied all these fights saying I was crazy. He denied all the things he said to me saying I was oversensitive. He remembered that and didn't argue. He got some of his clothes the next day and left town.

Months later he came to my door and we talked. He was his old self again. He was working at a Buddhist temple and I thought he was putting his life back together. For the next year, we were civil with each other. It was evident he actually had feelings for me and me, still to this day, love him with all my heart. He was supposed to help me with some things and he didn't show. That was the last contact I had from him for the past 5 months.

I live in a small town and an old friend of his stopped by and asked what happened to him. I explained the drinking just got to be too much, that was when I was informed that he was doing coke again. Again? I didn't know there was a before. I guess it started when he went out of state. I think he was also good after he left until the past few months and that was why I didn't hear from him. He knew I had a zero tolerance for hard drugs. He knew I barely tolerated his drinking.

I've spent that last month reliving the last few months of our relationship in my head over and over and beating myself up. how could I not see? It should have been so obvious. I knew something was horribly not right. I also think he realized how much damage he did and how much he almost did and that was why he didn't ask to come back. I did hear from him a week ago. He is homeless. He has his car, but no insurance, so he can't drive it. He still has work, but no place to live. He is living with friends and has been since he left here.

I know I can't cave him, but I worry that each day will be his last now. I didn't worry about that when I thought it was just alcohol. Now I wonder how far he has slipped. Is hs still using? Did he pull himself out of it? I can't and won't ask. I can't imagine how people live with this on a daily basis. Everyone here is in my prayers. I know I'm lucky. How do you begin to heal when it's all hindsight? It makes so much more sense now, how he was acting, the violence, the abuse, all of it. I've let him go, so now what?