Finding My Own Spirituality
Before I started working the Nar-anon program, I was consumed with my superwoman powers. I was so busy fixing my addict and his messes that I couldn’t escape from the Survival Mode, which I had become so accustomed to. Step One allowed me to recognize I was powerless and freed me from continuing my own obsessive and destructive behaviors. I had been acting and feeling insane for so long, that I had forgotten what it was to be sane.
By working on Step One, I discovered I had a lot of time. Too much time! My efforts had shifted from the physical behavior of fixing things to a more emotional struggle. I was overcome with feelings that I had no idea what to do with. The anxiety, fear and anger were overwhelming. My head and heart were on overdrive worrying about if my addict was alive or dead, if he was in jail, if he would potentially kill himself or someone else, if he had a roof over his head at night or food in his belly, the list goes on.
On to Step Two…
For a long time, I tried to skip Step Two, simply because I couldn’t understand it as anything other than a Religious step. While raised in a Catholic home, I found myself in a state of confusion and didn’t know how to feel about any of it. Growing up I attended CCD and church, but I never developed a relationship with the God that was forced upon me. Do I believe? Am I just angry? What exactly do I believe? I originally felt like I was being forced to address my religious confusion in order to work the steps. I felt an instant block in my progress, and recovery seemed impossible.
So instead, I kept working on Step One and spent a lot of my time in the chat room where I received a tremendous amount of support from other members. I attended meeting after meeting, listening and learning as others shared their Experiences, Strength and Hope. I took in what made sense to me and even some stuff that I wasn’t sure about and implemented what worked within my life. Some could say that at times, the members of the chat room were a Higher Power at work. Over time I realized that I was letting go of my anxiety, fear and anger. I had begun to feel that everything was going be ok; that I too had the right to laugh again. And while I have not outright resolved my religious questions, I gained a peaceful feeling that I can only describe as spiritual; a spiritual feeling I have never had before. A blind trust in something greater than me, that allows me to let go of my co-dependent emotion, and know that everything will turn out the way it is meant to.
It took me a VERY LONG TIME to truly understanding the meaning behind Step Two. I prevented myself from working Step Two because of my own preconceived notions about what this step was asking of me. I hope if anyone finds themselves in similar situations that they can learn from my mistakes. You don’t have to have a specific belief in a Higher Power, but rather just be opened to the idea that there could be something greater than ourselves; a power responsible allowing you to let go of the negative emotions and finding the Hope again whether your addict is sober or not.
I hear you Heartbroken… I had worked through step one on my own before joining Naranon. It only took me 10 years 🙂 I had gotten to the point where I thought I had the addiction. It became such a prevalent part of my life. I finally realized it wasn't going away. Every time he promised and he couldn't keep that promise. I kept expecting that everything would go back. Then, I realized I had to do something about me. I had two choices. I could leave him and our life or I could change myself and my own world so I could cope with my new life. In that process, both my parents passed away and I so remember what my parents always told me. "Are your problems causing you to turn to God or lose God?". I prayed so much for God's help in helping me find my new journey. I believe God has led me to find this Naranon group and a support group on FB too. I'm still working on this step. I find it strangely soothing to work on this step. I know that I am far from understanding it or coming to my own understanding of it. I'm still uncertain. I have a lot of questions. Mostly about me and how to guide my 9 yr old son. How to train myself to communicate with my husband so as to disengage from his addiction while still talking to him. But I read somewhere that God put us on this earth to experience personal love. Messy Love. Sweaty Love. Broken Love. Whole Love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling.Demonstrated through the beauty of … messing up. Often. We didn't come here to be perfect. We already are. We came here to be gorgeously human. Gorgeously human. Flwaed and Fabulous. … and then it goes on. Written by Courtney A Walsh. This piece has given me so much solace. Anyhow, I'm rambling. But, I can see where these steps are hard. Hope it doesn't take me another 10 years to work through this one 🙂
I have a strong faith in God. That faith is why I'm alive right now. I was raised in church and my mother thankfully instilled a no nonsense belief in me that my Heavenly Father had my back, even while my earthly father was so abusive. I'm not one for organized religion but the relation that I have with my Higher Power, whom I choose to recognize as God, has been my rock. Yes, I know without a doubt that God can restore order in my life and can heal my addicted son. He is my only hope.
i always wonder if meeting my addict has been pushing me back to my HP by way of grace being shown to me in my life, and plugging me back to faith. And to experience miracles, as messed up as i think that is. i grew up in a deeply religious southern baptist home, and struggled for years with my faith and my own addiction issues. this whole situation has gotten me to my knees more than i thought possible. i still struggle with choice and predestination, so i try to just believe the universe has got this and accept that i can only worry about my choices, that his are also his own and i cant make anything really go how i imagine it in my head bc he has his own free will. that is such a terrifying sentence. its really hard to trust.
1 Guest(s)