One can break down this sentence into phrases to understand this very difficult Sixth Step. First of all, we must be ready. How do we know we are ready? We have read the literature, may have a step-study workbook and have spent numerous hours on the phone with our sponsor’s talking about this recovery/discovery process.
In frustration, we tried to change on our own. We learned that we must look to our Higher Power in this effort. All this took understanding and courage we didn’t know we had. We have gotten in touch with a Higher Power in Step Three. How can we be sure we are ready to let our Higher Power remove all our character defects?
Being ready means identifying our defects – letting go of our old ways – envisioning how we want to be – trusting a Higher Power for help and guidance. In meetings, we have listened as others experience miracles of self discovery and recovery each week. This is evidence of our magnificent Higher Power making significant changes in our attitudes, habits and beliefs. To be ready is to trust. There is a better way for each of us. When we begin to imagine what changes are going to be necessary and use the program to get there, we are ready. We have already begun to have an understanding of the impact of a Higher Power, so we can trust that these self-destructive character defects can and will be removed. Criticism, resentment, getting into slippery situations, dishonesty, fear, obsessive thinking and focusing on others rather than ourselves are some examples of self-destructive behaviors. Imagine replacing these defects with healthy attitudes and actions!
“I used to expect him to be faithful because that was my value system. I
didn’t realize that in his disease he was incapable of it. Now I protect myself
by setting boundaries.”
“I stopped taking on guilty feelings for his actions and the consequences. I
began to take responsibility for my own actions.”
“I stopped allowing him to manipulate me.”
“I saw I was blaming him for everything.”
We got to this place by using The Twelve Steps, reading Nar-Anon literature, asking for support from others in the program and doing service. We avoid unhealthy situations, stop isolating and ask ourselves when in uncomfortable situations, “What do I want to do about this?”
We learn to fill our time with activities that promote and support our well being. We begin to manage our time, our stress and to take care of ourselves. Are we procrastinating? Are we taking responsibility for ourselves, our families and our jobs? As we begin to forgive ourselves for these defects we begin to have more energy and to focus on what is important. When we express our feelings within the Nar-Anon meetings we begin to be honest. At each meeting we practice honesty and witness the effects of honest communication. We gain courage and resolve from the success of others. We become willing to risk being honest to our Higher Power to ourselves, and to another human being.
Step One through Three lay a foundation for change, but a person burdened with secrets rarely feels courageous enough to change. Step Four helps us to identify all our defects of character. Then Step Five leads us to admit our failing to a Higher Power, to ourselves and to another person, so that we can become ready to change, and as our Serenity Prayer says, gives us “courage to change the things we can”. Thank goodness for Step Six, which turns our failures into growth, our misery into trust. Change is possible in Nar-Anon.
Step Six reminds me that I do not have control. Am I willing to let go of control over my own defects and have them removed? Entirely removed?
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
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