[quote][b]Quote from sarahbz on March 19, 2016, 11:49[/b]
kdsutter – yes same here! I always feel like there is 1 thing I haven't done or haven't said that will finally make the difference. I feel like if I don't keep trying to help, and he fails, that I will feel/be guilty for not trying. But, maybe "trying" is making it worse for him. I struggle with this part.[/quote]
so well said. I cant believe there are so many others out there that feel the same way. it is such a comfort
I'm new to this and stuck on Step 1. I accept I'm powerless and it's up to God and my daughter to handle it, but there's so many unusual complications with her issue that it's near impossible to remove myself from helping in a few ways. I don't want to give money but we provide a home for her as a single mom and her toddler son. The sperm donor is a crackhead claiming he's in recovery but is violent even when not using drugs and has threatened us on texts. I'd never do anything to risk our 2 year old grandson falling into that guy's hands; therein lies the issue that our little grandson knows no other family and safety than my husband, daughter and myself – which is his security. My husband is his male father figure, I'm the second mother. Our daughter is great with him, very loving, kind and caring when she's home and he adores her. She was placed on methadone by a judge in another state after arrest for possession of heroin and then she became pregnant and the doctors wouldn't allow her to detox from it. The methadone clinic elevated her to a high enough level the heroin does not work, but she still occasionally used. Feeling she had "liquid handcuffs" (methadone) requiring daily visits to the county clinic 2 hours travel daily, she tried unsuccessfully 3 times the past 2 years to decrease (detox) from methadone but rehabs in our state did rapid detox which I've learned defeats the purpose. Each time she went out into heavier heroin use to supplement the lowered methadone in order to keep from being sick, going through the withdrawal symptoms. Last rehab promised us a slow detox 10mg weekly, but did 5mg daily instead after telling us otherwise. I wanted to shoot myself for believing the intake nurse, and a week later we were back to the beginning. She's now been raised to therapeutic methadone level but left again today due to habit of sticking that needle into herself what the heck. Today she tried to take her son with her, after much argument and giving her $20 to leave, I was able to keep him here safe at home with me. Our lawyer said if we sue her for custody in our state, the state will give the freak crackhead sperm donor option for custody. Obviously that is not an option. So I feel like the paper boat on the waves, drifting along until I'll eventually get saturated and sink. It's been such a long traumatic 11 years with her addiction. There's much more including her kidnapping and being sex trafficked by gangsters in a ring in a nearby city, the ptsd and trauma that accompanies that afterward, the lack of sex trafficking therapists for treatment in our state and the 3 surrounding states since it's a specialty, the death of one of the lead gangsters and inability of FBI to find the other one since he disappeared so he still has her address and drivers license and knows where she lives and of course we can't afford to move….the ptsd caused her to have dissociative identity on occasion so we just can not drop her altogether. Topping it off I stepped into a groundhog hole that broke and tore my ankle and leg needing trauma surgery so I'm unable to put weight on it and am in a wheelchair. So it's necessary for me to be wheeled out into my car, accompany her (in case she fades into her alter personality) to the methadone clinic daily and the specialty trafficking therapist weekly an hour away so she doesn't disappear with my car or grandson into the abyss. Like life's a mess but we feel paralyzed by the circumstances and she does keep working on recovery and going to meetings. We're an hour into the boondocks so not like there's public trans. It's a struggle for her, too. I don't want to be stuck on Step 1 but really don't see an option at this moment. I think sometimes we're just in circumstances in life alone and that's where we are stuck sometimes. But then I found this group a few days ago and there was a ray of light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping I'll find a way past Step 1 soon, I know it's in God's hands and have always believed our lives were his plan and there's little we can do to change it. So maybe I must continue to have patience and will just be one of those it takes longer to get past Step 1. Reading other peoples' posts has been encouraging so far, I believe this site is a good place to learn and improve my life. Thank you to whoever designed it.
I haven't any local face-to-face Nar-Anon meetings to go to, but go to Al-Anon meetings. There, they say "powerless over alcohol". I had assumed that here we'd say "powerless over the drug". I used to struggle so hard with the feeling of powerlessness over a substance, and over that substance's apparent control over someone I love so much. Then, one day, someone in an al-anon meeting once substituted "people, places, and events" for "alcohol" (or as we would say "the addict"). "I am powerless over people, places, and events". Her point was that the Only thing she had power over was herself. And whammo! It made so much sense to me.
I can't control my kids – they're people with their own drives, ambitions, foibles, (and sadly addictions). I have enough to deal with trying to control my own emotions, how the h*ll do I think I'm going to control someone else? I'm not omnipotent; and thank the heavens, I'm not even supposed to be.
With that, it became so much easier! I was able to let go of trying to control so much that was beyond my control – and my own anxiety lessened.
I learned to stay in my own lane, and drive my own life. Getting in anyone else's lane is as likely to get myself run over as is is to help them stay on their path.
Lately, I'm having to learn that lesson again. My child is one week out of rehab, and doing well so far in a recovery home. But I have to fight so hard to keep from checking up on her, and worrying about her. I just need to remember that it's HER recovery, and that's something over which I have ZERO control. Just like I had no control when she chose to live on the streets where she could use in peace instead of in my safe home where she had to hide it all the time. At least, for now, she's safe.
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