Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the addict- that our lies had become unmanageable.
Step One may be easy to read and easy to agree with, at least on the surface. We can freely admit to the fact that our lives are in real trouble. After all that is why we finally came to Nar-Anon. It may not be so easy to admit we are powerless, or that we cannot control and manage our own lives. We may say it is not so: “It is the addict that is out of control, if I could only change him, I could manage very nicely, thank you.”
We have tried all kinds of things to show them how wrong they are. It seemed so obvious to us! “If only he would decide to stop using. If only I could do just that one right thing to make him stop. But none of it works; he is so stubborn, blind, uncaring and cruel.” If our lives were unmanageable, it was certainly not for lack of our trying! We have believed we were the only reason we have managed so long. After all, we have kept it together alone, all this time.
The frustration and anger we feel clouds the issue, but slowly we begin to see that the parts of our lives that are unmanageable are not ours to manage. We are indeed powerless over the addict. All the manipulating and maneuvering has not helped. We cannot control and manage, because it is not our lives we are trying to manage. We must realize where our responsibilities end. We do not like it when our well-meaning relatives and friends try to tell us how to live. Neither do our loved ones (addicts) like us to tell them. This is when we need to remember the Nar-Anon reading, “We didn’t cause it; we can’t control it and we can’t cure it.”
The other part of Step One begins to become clear. We must let go of the addictâs part. We only prolong their struggle by meddling. We must stop our crazy compulsive behavior and let them dance with their addiction alone. We can stand back, without losing our love and compassion for them and ‘Not do’. It’s OK, it doesn’t cause a dramatic change, it didnât change when we ‘Did’ either. Some of our craziness leaves and we realize we feel a little better. All it took was inaction.
Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can ‘help’ our addicts. We have no completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behavior, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to ‘do’ that one little thing that will finally make the difference.
We have found the need for Step Two, and we can and do come back to Step One. It is a step that we may never put aside as completed. It is a tool to be used again and again.
“I tried a little exercise with Step One as I read it one day. I substituted the name of my addict for the word addict and then read it through again in the first person. Then I put another name in its place, and other, all belonging to people I have tried to change because I knew how they needed to change. Over and over I said the lines. By about the sixth name my emotions were so great that I started to cry. I think I finally get the idea.”
The Nar-Anon Twelve Step Program (yellow booklet), pgs., 4 & 5
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
wow! what I just read above is absolutely beautiful and expresses exactly as I feel. It's hard to express the insanity I feel at times that takes over me when I think it's my responsibility as a mother to try to change my addicted children. It's the doing "nothing" that is the most powerful and hardest thing for me to do. So step one must be applied every day and never forgotten. because the brain which is so conditioned keeps wanting to return to the same place thinking it can change the problem, when in reality, it's acceptance that's needed, not "changing" the fact, but acceptance. very powerful!!!
Today was a tough day with my brother having to go to the hospital with a .4 blood alcohol level. He went in intoxicated and asking for help and left sober and refusing help with me begging him to change his mind. I signed up for this site tonight and read the first step. I did the suggested exercise at the end and it helped me to stop ruminating. Thank you.
I know I am powerless over him. If he wants to use he will and there is no way I could stop him. The only thing I can do is pray he does not use again. I attend NA meetings with him as his support group and I will go to any of them he wishes me too. I support all that he is doing to stay drug/alcohol free. He knows I will never buy or give him money for it and he never ask me. All he wants is someone that is willing to listen and understand all that he is trying to do to stay in recovery and that will support him mentally in his adventures. I will always be his support in his recovery as long as he wishes me to be.
kdsutter – yes same here! I always feel like there is 1 thing I haven't done or haven't said that will finally make the difference. I feel like if I don't keep trying to help, and he fails, that I will feel/be guilty for not trying. But, maybe "trying" is making it worse for him. I struggle with this part.
I am an enabler. I know this to be true. It has been true my whole life. I left my precious addict son in another state because I couldn't stop enabling him. I do realize I have no control over his addiction, his choices, anything. He's a 27 year old grown man. I have to know that God will take care of him and really let go and let God. It's almost impossible some days not to go running back there, but I'd be doing that for selfish reasons. I have to let him either fall or rise from the ashes himself. It;s his journey and one that I can't make for him. Yes, I'm powerless and my lack of control terrifies me. But day by day I'll learn to let God do what He does. And I'll just be on the sidelines praying like a madwoman.
I just love what you said about step one Annie. I guess I am at step one and trying to do nothing and allow him (my husband) to follow the journey he chooses. This makes me feel peaceful and allows me to go on without him in my life. A bit lonely and not what I choose, but as I ask him to allow me to be "me," I have to allow him to be just that – him. We spoke a bit this week and saw each other and we haven't spoken in 2 days now and it makes my mind thinking, "is he using?" He didn't make it to church this am and will he be there tonight? It's hard to sit at church without him. I am ok at home without him, but would really like him by my side. Oh well! My desires are just that – mine. I can't force him to do anything, nor do I choose to.
I was thinking this am that he has to do all of the work on him and I cannot force him to start, but I can work on me. That is my focus – pull back and detach a bit to care about me.
I sit here and think about his addiction and part of me thinks, "I would feel guilty if something happens to him," and the other side says, "it is none of my business." I now know that I can't force him into anything, guilt him, or coerce him. I am letting go and letting God be in charge of us, individually and jointly, and whatever happens, I get to choose my choices, actions, reactions, etc.
I just don't understand…… That's all I can really say at this point I wrote down important parts of the reading and I am hoping that I can work my step one. I am powerless over the addict. Just keep repeating it. I am powerless over the addict! I am powerless. We have been together for almost 4 years. The first 2 1/2 I was completely oblivious and had no idea that he was an addict. I have never been around it so I had no idea. He finally told me. I was shocked! How do you react when you find out something like that? I just balled my eyes out and wanted to "fix" him. I just kept asking him what I can do to help him…. He just said that I can't… I felt helpless… Then I found this group and al-anon in my area. It's the best thing to happen to me. I need that support. To this day I still do not understand. I still have a hard time saying that "I am powerless over the addict." I have a hard time because I still have that thinking that I can help. Is there something I can say? Is there something I can do? But that's why I am here. I am going to hand it all over to my higher power. I am powerless over the addict.
Hi Newbie,
Apparently I am an enabler too. My daughter is 30 and I tried everything to keep her from using. I could never catch her doing it and never had any proof. She wasn't using all the time but would do it when I had her kids and was busy with trying to take care of my husband, a business, and babysitting her 2 kids while she worked. She would lie to me and come up with excuses to leave her kids with me then go to get drugs. At the time, I thought her excuses were legitimate until she got caught. Then, the truth came out after DCFS showed up and took her kids. They took them from my house and said that they wouldn't leave them with me because I enabled her. If I had known that she was manipulating me and using me so she could run around and get high, I would have done something different. She just finished rehab and we are fighting to get her kids back. While she was working through rehab, I was also attending counseling with the rehabs family therapist. This is where I learned just how much my daughter had manipulated me and exactly what she had been doing. Now looking back at everything, I understand how I enabled, and how everything I tried to do to find out the truth was a waste of time. Because I never saw her high or found any evidence of her using the evidence was who she was hanging out with and her being evasive. And, her always being tired and wanting to sleep all the time. She worked nights so I thought that was why she was not getting up in the morning. She would have the kids call me to come get them and I loved being with the kids so I could never say no to them. She knew that and used it against me. When you put all of it together her drug use becomes real apparent. I was just trying to help out my single parent daughter but I was enabling, unknowingly and unwillingly. Now that she is out of rehab, I am having to face the facts that I was powerless over her addiction and use of drugs. They become so good at manipulating that we lose sight of everything else going on. She is still trying to manipulate and use me but I quit answering her text and I stopped solving her problems. When they start using drugs everything becomes out of our control. They become different people and we suffer because of it. Running back and helping is what we want to do because we are mothers but that is exactly what we shouldn't do. I still want to try and control everything and it kills me to just step back and let her take the reins. They created the problem so they need to fix the problem. By continuing trying to control or enable we are keeping ourselves on a cycle that won't end until we jump off and stop the cycle. I too pray everyday and when things get tough I pray some more. I talk to a friend who has been clean and sober for 14 years who knows the manipulation and she keeps telling me that they are going to do what they want to do and they won't change until they want to change. My daughter swears she wants her kids back and is doing what she is suppose to but she doesn't talk to me unless she wants something. This is still part of that cycle and I have had to learn to say no. You are doing the right thing and it is terrifying. We are powerless over them but we are not powerless over us.
Step 1 is hard for me, but I am learning. I cannot control my son's choices and I talk myself through not controlling, meddling, etc. Unfortunately, I am not successful every time. It is so hard because he is my son and he is only 22. My son tells me I cannot control his choices and his addiction is not my fault. He has to want to stay clean and it has nothing to do with me. I need to really focus on releasing more. I have come a long way, but i still have work to do in this area.
This is the hardest thing for me to do. I just want my husband to make the right choices so that he can be the dad and husband I know he is when he isn't using. Every day I ask God "why" and struggle with the fact that I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to just be sober. Every time I try to relinquish control to God it only lasts a couple of days (or hours!) and then I go back to trying to control the situation and trying to "save" him. It's so hard and such a daily struggle.
This part really hit home:
"Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can âhelpâ our addicts. We have not completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behavior, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to âdoâ that one little thing that will finally make the difference".
Whenever I get better with focusing on my life and less on my addict son and his family… I start to think…"hmmmm, there is this one thing I haven't tried , that could be that one thing I haven't thought of yet.. it might help him… maybe just this one more thing before I really step back…" I also find myself getting more anxious. So today when the thoughts started up again (wanting to help) and the feelings (anxious and worried) I decided to do things differently this time: I called someone and talked about my obsessive thoughts and my feelings of anxiousness..and then I decided to come to Nar-Ann online and read comments. Step 1 is powerful. I will keep coming back. Thanks to all who have shared…
After reading step one, I have come to realize I'm stuck here. Will I get out? Most definitely. My addict is my 30 year old daughter. My career as a nurse is to help people. It has taken me a couple of months to own up to the fact that I cannot help her. This is her journey to take, I did't cause it!! I stopped giving her any kind of money, place to stay or any kind words. I can't control it!!! She would only call when she wanted something or when she argued with her boyfriend. I had to stop taking her calls and finally told her we don't get along let's not pretend that we do so if you want to work on our relationship or see how I'm doing instead of constantly wanting or needing then call me but until then don't. THAT took everything in me, but I did it. Her biological dad was able to get her in a program where he lives in California. The only bad part was getting her there. She has a 9 year old little girl that she hasn't seen in months and is currently pregnant. She was dropped off at a women's shelter and stayed there for 3 days. I finally bought her a one way ticket to California, picked her up from the shelter and told her this was the only help I was offering. To my surprise she got on that plane and will be starting treatment soon. This is her journey to take as I can't cure her!!!! I think I may go back to step one over and over for a very long time!!!
My adult son is an addict. He just started on methadone at a clinic. Until about a month ago, he was a functioning addict if there is such a thing. He has had the same job for 4-5 years and was recently promoted. I am not sure what happened exactly, but he was drug tested at work and failed the drug test. His boss took the company truck and put him back to being a helper, instead of leading a job. I think there was a second failed drug test a few weeks after the first one, still not sure what brought all of this on at work. He has never admitted to me that he was fired, but he hasn't worked in a month. He has put in applications at other similar jobs, he has an interview coming up. He has been going to the methadone clinic for almost a week now. Where do I fit in? I have been giving him money for several years now. He is married and has a child in school. He knows I am not going to let them be without a place to live or power or gas to get to work. I have no boundaries for myself. I give him money I don't have. I know I have no control over him or his choices, I have not ever thought I did. I, unfortunately, don't seem to have control over my choices either. I am so tired I don't have the energy to even fight it, I just give in when he tells me one of his ridiculous stories. I know I can't control him or change him, I do feel somewhat responsible for who he has become. I wasn't there as much as I should have been when he was growing up. I left his father when he was around 6 yo. He went through school with undiagnosed dyslexia until the 9th grade. I have a lot of guilt related to my lack of parenting.
I am definitely powerless over him and my life has become manageable with my time, my peace, and my finances.
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