I will never forget the 10 years of hell I went through trying to change my addicted son. I was a demanding, manipulative angry father who was determined to cure and fix my sons illness. I thought I was always in control of his life and was never gonna give up trying to save him. Today I realize I was 100 % wrong in how I dealt with him. I know I only contributed to his illness, and realize now that I was also very sick. I don’t know how long I had been coming to Nar-Anon meetings before I accepted Step 1; I was powerless over the addict and my life was miserable. Sometime during those first few months I had been coming to meetings, I was able to accept I was powerless over him. What a relief!!!!! I could not control his actions. I was no longer responsible for his behavior. I did not have to pay his bills, fines, bail or attorney fees. All I could do was Let go let God, and turn him over to his higher power. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Life really started to improve for me as I could know really focus on taking care of me and getting better.
I only know now that I have no power over the addict because of going to Al-Anon meetings a few years ago because of the addict I had married. However, I feel as though I am
apart of a whole new so to speak ball game. I understand addiction is addiction but this addiction is killing me and destroying me more than anything. I understand this is my AH’s
demon to bare but all my focus is on him 24\7. the constant worry and fear have completely controlled. He tells me all the time he needs to get off what he is on but can’t do it
alone, I offer to help and stand by his side throughout the process and that no matter what I will always be here for him. I know I want sobriety mored for him than he does for
himself and that is not how it works. I need to get back into my 12 steps because once I had found out about everything that has been happening I have officially forgotten
everything I learned years ago. My AH will not speak to me about anything that is going on because I don’t know anything so I have reached out to addicts in remission to help
me understand but now I feel it’s time to speak with people who are also riding this roller coaster of scariness. I need to break down and speak with someone one on one who I
can tell my whole story to from beginning to end and how it all started and who will let me fall apart, scream and yell and fall apart into a puddle of nothing, because everyday I
put this face on like everything is great and perfect. No one in my family knows because well that goes with being able to tell my whole story.
We always talk about the addict hitting bottom but what about the enabler?
I hit bottom. My finances are in shambles. And I keep trying this way or that to solve problems only it doesn’t work. And I keep feeling like I’m being mean and maybe I’m misjudging him. In order to keep myself from going back on my word to myself, I went hunting for proof of use. (Un)luckily, the proof was there. And just like that it hit me that I can’t help my husband. He has to want to help himself. All my leniency, hope that he would do the right thing etc has only left me almost homeless. Dependent on the kindness of friends, family, my Faith community. And no one knows why I’m in such dire straits.
Or maybe everyone knows. Maybe my effort to keep secrets has been futile all along.
Anyway. I reached step one – powerless over the addict. And I’m suddenly aware how like an addiction it is to want to go back to the status quo instead of standing my ground and maintaining healthy boundaries that allow me to get myself on track.
I never knew it felt like a compulsion til I reached step 1.
Thanks.
Yes, it is almost like we become addicted to the chaos in our lives. Unfortunately, we too, often have to hit a bottom before we finally seek help for ourselves. I hope that you will find the support that you need to work through these difficult times and to be able to start to find the strength you need to move forward with your recovery. There are many understanding and supportive people who attend our meetings and they are so convenient as we can attend from wherever we are. Hope to meet you at one of them.
HI…..Read your posts, and understand so completely……I have enabled my son for so long….passing him money,…overdrawing my accounts…..just to stop his sickness, and anger fits. I have been unhappy for such a long time. It is now time for me to accept that I cannot change him and his addiction……he must want that himself. But I must learn to not enable him. It is so difficult for me to do……he comes to me sick and crying, and desperate. He can work on me for days til I give in and get him some money…..And I live in fear he will overdose, or get hurt. It is so hard for me to NOT help him. I think there is something wrong with me, too. I always give in. I will keep going to the online chat meeting…..It really did give me some hope, which I have not felt in a long long time. thanks so much….will keep coming back.
Does anyone use the chat room? I’m still navigating the site but sat in chat but no one was there. I need to start
Moving through these steps as my husband has an addiction and it’s been a nightmare for 8 years. I’m ready. I’m miserable. And I just lost most of my 40’s trying to fix everything that I can’t control.
I’m so glad I found this site. I haven’t yet been to a meeting but have found some relief in reading what others have commented and the different forums. I can’t talk to anyone in my family and definitely can’t talk to my boyfriend without him screaming at me about how I overthink and overreact. I’m totally lost and it’s taking a toll on me. I’m becoming so emotional about this that I’m starting to believe he’s right when he says I’m the crazy one. He’s right when he says that I’m obsessed with his drug use and he’s right when he says that I need to focus more on being a mom. I’m feel so embarrassed and guilty for where my attention has been. Anyways…. I’m excited to join tomorrow’s meeting. See you all then.
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