I am sure I understand this one because I have no control over what my husband does, sober or not. He tends to run things his way and on bad days, it's get out of that way.
I have always admitted I am powerless towards him. Some days are more defiant than others because I've just had enough. But there are those days where he asks, and pesters, and just wont leave me alone for five seconds til I do it. And ofcourse… I do it, whatever it is.. Be it call the doc for refills or get him something to eat even though he can do things better in the kitchen.. it could even be go to the store for chew or smokes! and I will just give in and do it just to make him happy. Even sex, though i hate it now … i hate it so much i hate me because of it.. and it is because of him…
And.. I… HATE it…. but I know if I one day stop all together and it would be a day he wouldnt do a damn thing himself… That day would be a living hell… lets just hope to a HP that our kids are behaving as good as they can and I don't have to work. I've had a day like that.. and I cried at work… I cried for my kids at home being yelled at because he was in a bad mood, which he blamed me for, to my children…
I am powerless towards him even on good days… He can be happy, help out around the house (or do it all without an ounce of problem), and just want to hang out or be OK with me going to work or whatever… and I will deal with the kids myself, change diapers all the time, let him nap if he falls asleep, cook dinner, makes sure homework is done.. I will do it all to keep him happy.. i'd make sure kids were quiet and behaving best i can..
I also have to admit that I am scared that without him here (which lately hasn't been as scary, to be honest) I will fail as a mother, let my home go to ruins, get my kids taken away, because i will have everything on my plate then. Work, school (mine and my kids), cleaning, appointments, heaven forbid if someone got sick!… so i would be powerless to all those problems because he isn't here to give even a smidge of help.
This first step is hard, it is annoying, and it is one I am hoping i can get past because it needs to make me strong enough to go on if he leaves.
for me the first half of step one has arrived. it does feel better i have to admit. not ready to admit that my life is out of control. maybe i'm reading it wrong or just not getting it. i'll keep reading and will eventually come to a better understanding of what the second half means to me and how i'm "letting"? the addiction effect me. btw, found by googleing "do's and don'ts addict" and found a pdf file that has helped me. maybe someone reading this will get something out of it too.
step one might be easy to say, but to live it is tough, at least for me. i believe i have accepted that i have no control over the addiction itself or the recovery from it. but i have a hard time not trying to stop/control the addict from doing things that effect me. like getting bills paid on time, or just getting them paid. maxing out credit cards for drugs then opening new accounts. coming home and basically passing out/sleeping the evening away. the alternative to accepting that behavior would be to get out of the relationship all together, that is just as scary and not really desired. as i imagine everyone here wants things to go back to the way they were before the addiction, can't help but want that too. some of what i have read suggests that will never be. for me not knowing what the new relationship will be is scary. just rambling here with thoughts. helps me deal with things once i actually put words to the feelings.
My stofy is my adult son. He is an addict with heroin being his drug of choice. He has lost everything and does live with me. He is 31. He has been clean now for 7 months, going to counseling. My issue is I cannot stop carrying his burden of staying clean. It's been hell for the past 10 yrs with him and now I still cant get past this. Im always scared he is going to use. I try controlling the surroundings.
Hi Dmanupella, it sounds like you feel as powerlessness now as you did when your son was in active addiction. Can you change the past? What part of his recovery or potential relapse (which may never happen) do you have control over? Are you trying to control the uncontrollable? Could this be a good time for you to revisit Step One?
Recovery, for family members and addicts alike, is a journey. We strive for progress, not perfection. Consider embracing your sonâs sobriety just for today. How better to support him in his recovery then by enjoying him for the man he is today. Speaking from personal experience, when a recovering addictâs loved ones continue to try to control his/her life it perpetuates the same negative feelings felt during active addiction. He needs an opportunity to feel good about himself. Remaining clean for 7 months has taken a LOT of hard work on his part. Can you allow him the dignity of working his recovery while you work on your own? I agree with Jen, continue to focus on yourself, your own stuff. Join us in the chat room for support. You donât have to go through this alone.
Yours in service and friendship,
Annie
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
Thank you both, you are absolutely right. I am so focused on the "what ifs" that I am driving myself crazy. I actually had a great day just for me today. I have told my son how proud I am of him and we talked about my trying to control his life, he said he understands why but I need to stop and step back, live my life. I actually feel better, it will be a work in progress for me. Unfortunately I cannot join anyone in the chat room, I have a tablet and it doesnt work with the app for the chat room, ugh!!
1 Guest(s)