Nar-Anon Chat™

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Getting to the Ninth Step has not been easy. Many of us had a hard time seeing that we had harmed anyone. Our struggle with the physical, emotional and spiritual wreckage cause by addiction convinced us that others were the cause of what had gone wrong. Working the preceding steps helped us recognize our part in the troubles in our lives. In the Eighth Step we made a list of those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. One name which may have been omitted from this list is our own. We in Nar-Anon often demand perfection of ourselves and are inevitably disappointed when we do not meet this impossible standard.

In essence, Step Nine is a forgiveness of ourselves, expressed to those we have harmed. Sharing our inadequacies and shortcomings with others will be easier when we fully forgive ourselves.

Step Nine is an essential element in our relationship with our Higher Power. It’s not that making amends to others is a precondition imposed upon us by our Higher Power. If our Seventh Step request that our Higher Power remove our shortcomings is genuine, we will inevitably feel a deep need to clean up the messes we made.

Bringing ourselves to forgive is sometimes difficult; anger and resentment which may have been accumulating for years are powerful obstacles. Forgiveness is simply an acceptance of each person’s humanity, including all the imperfections, and a release of the angry emotions which keep us separated from each other.

The Ninth Step directs us to make amends to those we have harmed. What does it mean to make amends? The dictionary defines amends as “compensation for a loss or injury.” This definition does not refer to apologizing or saying we are sorry, something we may have assumed was required by the Ninth Step. Changed behavior is a more sincere means of making amends.

We most likely need to make amends to the addict. Initially, this may be difficult to face. We have been through months and years of frustration, and are angry and resentful as a result. Yet these are the reasons these amends need to be made. Sometimes it takes the Higher Power to show us the means, the time and the place to do this.

We must be willing to make amends even where we fear others will be unable to forgive us. Sometimes we will be greatly surprised by the response we receive. Other times the relationship is beyond mending. Ultimately, the response of others is not important. The real work to be done is in ourselves. As we consciously apply the changed attitudes we have developed in the earlier Steps to the process of making amends, we will experience the rich satisfaction of forgiveness – of ourselves and others.

Who is amends for – me or the person I am making amends to?