Nar-Anon Chat™

Step 8: Made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

If we want to stop reading now, we should realize that the only physical action in this Step is the first part – “to make a list”. The second part, “became willing…” indicates that we’re ready for more recovery. If we don’t think we need to make amends for anything, we should look through our Fourth Step work again. Reviewing character defects improves the memory.

Getting this far implies that we now understand we may occasionally have been at fault. All we really need to do is give ourselves some quiet, private time to think about our relationships with other people. Of course, everyone’s list will be very unique, but there are some general guidelines that can be used.

The first name on the list should be ours. The shiniest haloes are above the ones who have hurt themselves the most. All in the name of helping our addicts, we have delayed or ignored our own health care, sometimes to the point of serious illness. We have canceled our vacations and dropped out of school. We have berated ourselves for not being perfect. We have scorned our own instincts and distrusted our own judgment. We have made ludicrous financial decisions. We have denied ourselves everything from flowers to new cars. Would we treat our best friends that way? No! We need to make amends to ourselves for simply not knowing how to cope with our situations. This is not to say that we should write off our mistakes, but we should acknowledge that we’re not perfect, we’re not mind-readers, and we’re not gods.

Who’s next on the list? Undoubtedly, the people who qualify us for Nar-Anon. Who among us has not been judgmental, antagonistic and insulting, or indifferent, manipulative and callous? Our behavior towards our “qualifiers” had not always been considerate and understanding. Speaking from experience, the people who are the nicest on the outside can be the most spiteful on the inside. Yet if we are honest, we will have to admit that many of our character defects were evident and even highlighted in our relationships with the addict.

There are many people who have been harmed as a direct result of our dealing with addiction. Did we ignore the needs of our children in our obsession with an addicted spouse? Were we angry and impatient with friends and relatives who tried to give us advice we did not want to hear? Did we cut ourselves off from others in an attempt to protect the secrets resulting from the addiction? Did we lie or engage in some form of illegal conduct in an attempt to cover for the addict? Clearly all who were affected by such behavior can be added to our list.

As we reflect further, we may conclude that we also have harmed people unrelated to the problems of addiction in our lives. Our character defects existed long before our involvement with the addict. We may list harms done to friends, relatives, colleagues… to people in all areas of our lives.

The next part of this Step is to become willing to make amends. Note: it doesn’t say make amends (yet), it just says to become willing. Granted, this willingness may not come easily. The best incentive will be to watch the progress of other Nar-Anon members who have already taken this Step. Without a doubt, the same humility necessary for the Fifth Step (admitting the exact nature of our wrongs) will be needed for true willingness to make amends. Amends absolutely cannot come from a heart still filled with resentment. The honesty and insight that has grown from working the earlier Steps may lead us to see that we can make little further progress without cleaning up the past by making these amends.

“What?! Me, make amends? This is absurd. What about my
husband? He was the one who couldn’t finish college or
keep a job. He was the one hitting me when he got too high
(or too low). I was the one with the steady salary. I was the
one who did the chores. And it was my credit rating that was
wiped out by bankruptcy, thanks to his drug addiction.”

“I never sympathized with his pain. I didn’t even try to understand
his problems. On a more subtle level, I started judging him and
other people, too. No one could compare with me and my dedi-
cation, my tenacity, my heroic martyrdom.”

“I was the good one. I didn’t hurt anyone and I don’t have any
amends to make. Well, maybe I shouldn’t have called that drug
dealer a revolting worm, but he really asked for it. I guess it was
dumb to hit my husband back just because he hit me first. My
friends must have really been hurt when I stopped seeing them
because he didn’t like them. It was certainly wrong to lie to family
members to get money from them.”

“All right, maybe I do have a list to make.”

Why do I need to become willing to make amends to all of the people I have harmed?