Nar-Anon Chat™

I met my fiance in treatment- I was staff and at first thought he was the person who came and picked up the pee to send out to the labs or something because he did not look like he belonged there. Came to find out he was living there-a recovering heroin addict. My mother and sister are heroin addicts. I lost my mother this Feb to a fentanyl overdose the day before my baby shower. Heroin has always been a part of my life- but I have never used. Everything else, yes, but that ended 9 years ago with my first son. I never went to rehab I have always been able to pull myself out of things… Long story short I ended up leaving the place for another job and we began our fairy tale romance. He got out, he got a job and was busting his ass, he got promotion after promotion until he was the site manager of a huge construction site in Brooklyn. Last August, I found out I was with child and he was over the moon. He has two older boys he had as a teen, but in between being in the streets, prison, and rehabs lost custody.

In November we got engaged and were busy making plans for our baby and everything was fine and normal. In March, our son was born with an airway defect disorder and severe reflux. No one would listen to me, I had very bad post partum depression and my maternity leave consisted of doctors appointments and no sleep while we figured out what was happening. He commutes so I was pretty much on my own. I was borderline hallucinating from lack of sleep, and was begging him to help me with night feedings, but his excuse was that he worked on machines and with the drive he needed to be alert. I resigned myself to being awake 24/7, but I also was going back to work. We began fighting a lot and I had been sleeping on the couch, depressed and wondering what life was going to bring once I started working. Sooner or later with diagnoses, and medicines our son was stable. My body adjusted to the lack of sleep and back to work i went.

May 26 we had two parties for his friends children. We were up early, went for a walk with the baby, picked up his oldest son, went to the barbers…he said I need you to drive I am getting drowsy, didn't think anything of it we had been up since the wee hours of the morning, but as the day progressed he was nodding out and not himself. I was horrified and asked if he was high and he made me out to be crazy. He said that he had taken some percoset but I knew something was wrong. The next day I demanded he take a drug test. And he laughed at me and refused. He stood by his pill story. But it my gut, the way he acted it had to be more than than. I kept asking and asking and begging and pleading to be told the truth. In the weeks that followed I kept tabs on him- his pupils were so tiny but yet he kept telling me lies. One day I looked into his eyes after we had made love and told him that I wouldnt leave him just because he messed up, but he needed to be honest with me because I would leave if he kept lying to me…that night I went through his car and found an empty methadone bottle prescribed to someone else. The next morning I confronted him. I was freaking out and terrified, but had hope that maybe he was using the meth to wean off- or not be sick, but in both cases it was evident that he had a problem severe enough where he was getting sick…he sat me down that night and confessed everything. That it began in the weeks that the baby first came home, with the pills, and then someone on his site left his stuff around and from there it was down hill. He went to a three day city detox but it wasnt enough. He kept buying the methdadone, but I told him to get his own because he was getting dependent on someone else dose, plus you can still get high on that. He doesnt have health insurance so that was another barrier. I contacted place after place, sent emails finally got in touch with someone at OASAS who referred us to a state hospital where he would not be refused treatment.

During the past two months its been lie after lie after lie. You want to believe your loved ones. And it just kept getting worse and I was not sure how much longer I could live like this. I joined nar-anon. found a therapist for couples therapy and individual. A week ago I came home to him all sorts of high having a panic attack thinking he was overdosing. I took him to the hospital where I gave birth only 4 months ago and broke down. I took the car away from him. I told him he had to find help soon because I couldnt take it. Two days later he quit his job and went to the state facility. He has been there since last Monday. We have gotten into an argument every single call. I don't want to speak to him. I am relieved he is gone. It is a 28 day program. I wont visit him and I am not taking any calls. I feel alone just like you. Worthless. I am in so much pain and I cannot tell you what a nightmare this has been. It has stirred up feelings that I have either suppressed with drugs and alcohol or sex or just never dealt with at all because of my mother. I hate him for doing this to me. To us. I feel like I cannot make any plans for the future. I understand he has a disease but he could have come to me before it got out of hand. I feel so betrayed. Once my baby is asleep I just cry. I have lost at lest 7 pounds because I cant eat- and when I do it comes up because of my nerves. I have had to lie to my 8 year old who adores him (not his son), and tell him that he is staying at the job site these next few weekends doing overtime. It sucks. I dont know if I will be able to move past this. The real work will begin when he comes home. I am staying as strong as I possibly can for my sons- and MYSELF. He freaked out that I am not taking his calls, but I need to think about ME for once. Because he sure didn't.