Nar-Anon Chat™

Hello Friends
My Name is Shawna. I just spent about 30 minutes writing on this message board about my life and I lost it; I guess someone was telling me to not be so wordy! First, I am an addict who has been in recovery for 7 years. Addiction has been something my family and extended family has been battling for as long as I can remember. I lost an Uncle due to alcoholism and an aunt to a drug overdose; they were both in their 40's with children. I started using when I was in middle school, as did my sister (who is the primary reason I am here).

First, a quick summary of the past three years; it is because the culmination of these three years which has opened my eyes to a lot of truths I was denying and, even in recovery working steps, I was not able to see until I was on the other side of addiction and was watching it's evil claws get in and destroy lilves.

So 3 years ago I watched (and held the hand of) the physicians and medical staff did their best to resuscitate my 4 month old niece; they could not save her. My nieces ahd nephews make up my heart and soul, so it was like a part my soul died that day. It took me 2 years to trust God again, still believed in God, just was angry with him. Then 2 years ago I suffered a near fatal blood clot in my brain that led to a subdural hematoma. I live in a city with two hospitals, one with pretty good services, but they still had to life flight me to a bigger metropolitan area as they were worried they would not be able to help me if the clot broke loose. I was off work for 6 months recovering; while all of this was going on, my husband, who had been clean for 14 years, relapsed. When I needed him to help me, he was more concerned with getting his fix as soon as he woke up. It took me leaving him for him to go to treatment. (Will expand on this).

Then a year ago my sister (who had a history of meth use) went to Colorado to visit a sick cousin. I had truthfully thought she had quit using at this time. when we got to the hotel, I said something to her that she didn't like inn regards to not paying our parents rent for the house she was living in. Then she attacked me, had me pinned to the bed with a strength I didn't know she had; I thought she was going to strangle me. She finally got up and I called the cops and she took off. My parents had to come to Colorado to bring her back to Kansas because I was not going to. it took some time for me to be around her again, but I eventually did. When I would go pick up my nephews, there were always a lot of people in the house, different people most of the time. I told my parents things did not seem right and I though Nichole (my sister) was using again. My mom did as she continues to do today, and blames it on mental illness that she not been diagnosed with. I try to explain to my mom that 20 years of meth use will look like a mental health illness, but that I did not believe that is what was happening with Nichole. Her 3 boys showed up wit their belongings at my paretns house one night and told them they did not want to live in that environment anymore. (I;m leaving out as much as I can to still make this all make sense). So in March or April, my parents told Nichole they were selling the house and that she could move in with them or get an aparmtnet. Well, she hasn't worked in over a year and a half, so she "moved in " with thme, but would be gone for days at time, getting high, only to come home and crash, without a thought about what her kids were doing. Two months ago, things started getting really bad with breaking into cars, shoplifting, lying and manipulating me and my paretns, and even calling MY work to ask for syringes. Three weeks ago she was picked up for possession. She spent 3 days in jail, and I am pretty sure my paretns bailed her out, though they wont tell me because they know how I feel about it. She has taken them for every dime they have. And here is where I am struggling and I think nan-anon will help:

I obsess over so many things in this situation. I obsess with my nephews safety. The oldest one lives with me and we are helping him get through school to get HVAC certified. I am the one who has done all the things with him as far as his senior year of high school and getting into college, something his mother should be doing, but can't because all she cares about is getting high. I worry about the emotional stability because they have not had any kind of stability in their lives for several years. I constantly worry for their physical safety because my sister goes from kind hearted into a violent rage in a matter or seconds, with or without reason. I worry about my parents for this same reason. She has already assaulted me, leaving me with post concussive syndrome for 3 months, so that behavior is not out of question for her. I want to take control of the situation, I want to sue for temporary custody of the boys. But I haven't been able to find an affordable lawyer and I am not to the point where I want to send the states child services to my parents house. I act out on these obsessions, making phone calls or sending emails to organziations seeking guidance, I try to convince my paretns to get custody since they are already with them…I try and try and try and get nowhere yet I continue to do these things.
I obsess over my parents' enabling behavior and my desire for them to quit treating her like shes breakable. I tell them she won't change if you continue to fix her life for her. I obsess over the destruction they have allowed my sister do to their finances, in part because I want them to be able to have a decent retirement (which I am pretty sure that is no longer an option) and, also, because I know as they do get older my husband and I will be the ones who care for them certainly financially and most likely physical as well because she has proven time and time again that she can't get her life together. The obsession leads to wory, which manifests itself in a number of ways in including anxiety/panic attacks, nausea, migraines, and inability to go to work due to emotional instability and worry.

There are so many players in this "drama" that I could write a novel, but if you have made it this far, thanks for reading. I know I have to let this stuff go, and I am getting better at it; however there are still days that I take it back because I want to control it. I know I can't help my parents or my sister until they want to change their behavior.

Just one more thing to add insult to injury…my husband, the one who went back to rehab a year ago, relapsed over this past week and he told me he is not done yet. So then there is that. OK, thanks all. I look forward to chatting with you all in the future and learning skills from you on how to best manage my life in a healthy way even in an unhealthy environment.