Nar-Anon Chat™

My name is Cathy and my 30 year old son is an addict. My heart is broken and I cannot breathe. I do not know if he is alive or dead, and I don’t know what to do. I friend overdosed in his apartment 4 days ago, and I was able to confirm via police that he was alive then. Later that night he told me to screw off because I was being insensitive about his friends death. He has been through rehab 3x and to prison once. On his way back for 6 pending felonies but because of New York bail reform laws he is still not in custody. Being in custody is only thing that will keep him alive, but laws are not working in my favor. A month ago I thought he got rock bottom and I agreed to help him for the last time. I cannot even begin to tell how many chances he has been given and how many times he has hurt us all. A month ago I got him an apartment, food, furniture, cable, internet and a doctor that would help him with medication for withdrawls. He was doing so good. And now he is not. Again. My heart is broken because I cannot save my son, and I cannot breathe at this point. He will not respond to my messages or calls, and I do not even know if he is alive. Please tell me has survived this heartbreak and lived to talk about it. I keep replaying the moment police come to tell me he overdosed in my head but I know I STILL wont be able to handle it. I have drafted his obituary, and I am currently staring at my front door with tears running down my face waiting for them to appear at my door with that news. I can’t breathe, and I don’t understand why he can’t be okay and admit he has a problem and get help. Why or why can’t he see what he is doing to himself, his children, me and our family. I have watched his younger brother break down into tears way too many times while I tried to hold it together. Someone please tell me how to do this, please…