Nar-Anon Chat™

I came across this website while searching for a Nar Anon meeting near me. I wasn't able to locate one for this evening and i just had to get these thoughts out of my head. I have been dating an addict for about 2 years now. Some days are great, but come relapse time it gets really tough. I have been pretty good about separating the addict with the person I love, but lately i have been feeling so lost. I used to be so happy. I don't just mean in my relationship but just in general. A few years ago i was going through a bit of a rough patch and i decided i needed to turn my life around. I began praying more and being grateful and i was living a more stable and healthy life style. I knew if i would just continue being a hard worker and a good person than God would create opportunities for me. He most certainly did and he also introduced me to love for the first time. I met Taylor through some mutual friends. I was the happiest and most proud of myself i had been in a long time. Him and i started talking politics and then suddenly i was caught in a conversation i never wanted to end. He seemed so average. He had graduated from the University of Oregon and was in the military. He had his own place. Everything seemed so normal. Their were a few instances in the beginning in which i had reason to be suspicious, but never in wildest dreams did i believe he would be a heroin user. Well about 2 months into our relationship he confessed to have been an addict and of coarse, said that was behind him. I cried so hard because in my mind i was in too deep. I already cared about him so much that i didn't just want to leave and not know that he would be okay. I decided that i would stay. I did as much research as I could regarding this drug and addiction. I began monitoring him closely and that's when i found needles under his sink. I didn't know what to do. I grabbed my things and left that day and he called and called and cried and cried. I wish i would have let go then but after more promises I continued to see him. After that, i was disgusted by the person he was. I knew every time he was high and he even face planted twice. Every time i looked at him his face was unrecognizable. I should mentioned that his roommate passed away from an overdose throughout all of this which i think led him to go on a downward spiral. after his death, Taylor seemed to be using more and more. Well i couldn't take it. I decided that i would be telling him for the last time that i would be gone. I ended it and started seeing other people, but i still thought about him and worried about him. A few days went by and he informed me that he would be calling his parents in Oregon and confessing to using and he would be returning there (his parents were helping him with rent in NC obliviously) to complete inpatient treatment. I dropped him off at the airport the next day and didn't see him for about 5 months, I believe. he completed his impatient treatment and was attending meetings and everything seemed perfect. even though he was so far away and i didn't see him, i could relax knowing he wasn't using. we would fly to visit each other whenever we could and we would talk everyday. He stayed in Oregon for a while and did some outpatient treatment but about 3 months in, we both were missing each other so much and he made plans to move back. When he moved back to NC everything was going great for the first few months, then came his first relapse. Man did that first one hurt. It started with weed, then i found receipts of him drinking, and before i knew it he was back on heroin. He thought he could stop on his own, but eventually figured out he wasn't strong enough (i don't know if anyone can do this alone) and began going to meetings again. He met a women that referred him to a doctor that would be able to help him. this doctor was in recovery himself. Taylor was put on suboxon and things seemed to be going well for about a month. He failed a drug test for weed and so his doctor felt it necessary to take him off. I'm sure you all know where this is going; another relapse. after this relapse he met with his doctor and pleaded for him to give him another chance. Taylor really surprised me and has now been 6 months clean. He goes to meetings here and there (not as many as we both know he should be going to) but the important thing is he has stayed completely clean. we decided to get a place together and we move in tomorrow. well two days ago he confessed to me that he had been looking for heroin. Apparently he felt his medicine wasn't working therefore began taking more than he should have. He met with his doctor and his doctor told him he would not refill him until the 13th, leaving Taylor with about a week without his suboxon. I believe the anticipation of withdrawing from suboxon is making him FREAK OUT! He says he hasn't used, and i haven't noticed his eyes being tiny or any marks on his arms, but he is very very depressed and mopey. he went to a meeting yesterday and said that he talked to one of the fellas there and he suggested that Taylor opens up to me and tells me the truth, which is why he told me that he had been trying to look for heroin. In my mind, i knew he would be, but it's always such a painful thing to hear him admit it. I pray that he is still clean but this is kind of the reason why i'm here; i don't know how much longer i can put up with this. He is such an amazing man and has so much potential. i know in my heart that if he would just go to meetings and put his recovery above all things, including me, that he can be successful. I hate sitting here at work wondering who i'm going to go home to. It makes my head spin to think that things seemed perfect just a week ago, and now i dont know what to do. we move in tomorrow and these next 6 days are going to be hell. i keep telling him that he needs to see this as a small test. eventually the doctor is going to ween him off of the medicine, therefore he should see this as a peak into seeing how difficult it will truly be. I think to myself, how did i ever let it get this far? I am 22 and work at a law firm and have everything going for me. even before Taylor and i dated, i was happy! i feel as if I am losing myself in helping him and i am feeling drained. i have no one to talk to. i have 2 close friends but i don't like discussing this because it feels embarrassing and i feel stupid. I never dated until i was out of high school and whenever my friends would complain about their relationships i would just laugh and think they were so stupid. the answer seemed so simple; just end it and move on. its going to suck for a bit but it will pass. now here i am feeling like a complete idiot. I still get up and work out in the morning and i still go to work and do my job efficiency but it is so exhausting faking to be this girl that has it all when really all i want to do is cry. I feel trapped and i don't know what to do. I just need someone to share their experience with me and tell me its going to be okay. i need to refocus on my life and stop worrying so much about Taylor. I know this was extremely long but truth is i could talk about him forever. He has such a good heart and as i am sitting here reminiscing on good memories we have had while he has been sober is tearing me up. this is why i stay; because i am in love with him and i really wish i want because that would make my life so much more simple. Thank you for those of you that read this entire post. I started and suddenly I couldn't stop.