Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi, my name is Cynthia. My husband is a Meth addict. I have never tried any drugs that were not given to me from my Doctor. I just recently discovered his addiction and that he has been sleeping with numerous women (some very close to my treatment for Breast Cancer. Anyway, we have a lot going on…. his job is in jeopardy (Bank Exec), Huge IRS issue, Bank account has bottomed out, stock has been sold, very little left. so, I have never experienced anything like this before… I am naive and I am okay with that but now that is a disadvantage to me. I go through hours of chaos everyday now…. Let me start from the beginning or at least closer to what I am aware of…. So it started (this time, many years ago he experiment with Cocaine when MY mother died. We dealt with that and he cleared up and we were fine until I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. He was difficult to deal with because of his need to control everything and his jealousy toward our son. (That does bother me tremendously) Anyway… about that time he started drinking to much and staying our to 2 to 3 am with no information about who or what he was doing. then it progressed to an entire new group of friends. disappearing for all night and not letting me know where he was or what he was doing! THEN, this crazy cellphone business of buying broken phones, fixing them, and then meeting strangers at 2 or 3 am at gas stations to buy them or sell them. My entire garage, dining room, and part of the basement are filled with random parts of phones, computers, monitors… everywhere. So more disappearing ( it is about 3 or 4 nights a week that he doesn't come home), being rushed to emergency care for head racing and not being able to breathe well, then passing out at the mall (?) not sure on that one, more jealously about our son and my relationship, name calling, paranoid, reading my text on my phone and computer, it goes on and on … now that I know he is begging me to stay, saying that if I leave he has nothing to live for and no reason to try to save his career, crying about he has broken my heart (which he has), getting mad that I just didn't forgive him right away, refuses to go to treatment because his professional career will be destroyed, taking complete blame for it all but the reason is because i am a horrible house cleaner, I am distant physically (I knew something was wrong) (and jealously toward out son is not attractive), Our son has no respect for him (I get the blame for that as well), I let our son walk all over me (that is not true at all), and it just goes on and on. He will be sweet one moment then angry and hateful the next. I need up crying all the time or just being in shock. I feel horrible for thinking about leaving this situation. I love him. I feel so much pain for him. Even knowing that he is manipulating my emotions (past and future), I still feel horrible for him. I also feel horrible for our 16 yr old. His life has been horrible with this addict instead of a strong supportive Father. I mourn for what was and I doubt there will be now. I feel devastated and confused. Shocked! OH, and his legs have swollen huge! is this a side effect or something else? I am scared that he is going to kill hisself by accident. He has fallen asleep driving. Stays awake for days (not productive tho… not one bit) forgets conversations and then says Im lying we never had them. I am meeting with an attorney in 2 weeks and I feel so bad for doing this… I love him… I really do but I just can't live like this…. my cancer was hormone related… these emotions are going to affect my hormones and I feel stress constantly now. He doesn't want to go to church with me and our son, go to an aa meeting or a Nar meeting – not even tell his Doctors who prescribe him meds what he is really taking! Why do i feel guilty. Why do I feel like i am betraying him. please any words of wisdom and prayers needed.