Nar-Anon Chat™

Hello, my name is Rain. I am 31 years old. I have never been to a Nar-Anon meeting and am new to this. Recently, I find myself overwhelmed with my experience with the addict in my life who is my long-term boyfriend (whom I also live with). My friend who is in recovery suggested I try this. Here is my story…

First, I should begin with the first time addiction impacted my life. After college, I fell in love with a man who was addicted to heroin. We became close after a mutual friend of ours passed from an overdose. Our relationship was confusing and undefined but we spent most days together. He was my best friend and I spent many nights awake making sure that his heart was still beating. During that time, my brother began using benzos and opiates regularly. It was our 20's and I convinced myself that partying was normal to some extent. Thinking, I could help the situation (wrongly), my brother moved in with me and began using heroin with the man in my life. I felt completely trapped and had no idea how to handle a situation that had spiraled completely out of control. Finally, I told my parents about my brothers secret addiction and he moved out. I also cut ties with the man I had been involved with and I began going to therapy. My brother did not get clean for a while, until he crashed his car and suffered some major injuries. As it was his third DUI, he was sentenced to jail time and then rehab. Our relationship has since healed some but I carry a lot of that burden and pain with me still.

During the time that my brother had moved out and before his stay in rehab, I started dating someone new. He was sweet and kind and we both fell hard and fast. A few weeks into dating, he showed up to grab a drink with me and was visibly messed up on something. After letting him come down, we talked and he told me he had taken xanax. I told him there was no place in my life for that after everything I had just been through. He assured me that it was something he would never do again. And he didn't, for many years until now.

My boyfriend has always been a big marijuana user. He occasionally used psychedelics as well. He had used a lot of drugs in his teens and been court mandated to rehab after an arrest when he was 17. But he had since seemed to really clean up his act and for a few years there weren't any problems with anything other than habitual marijuana use and some alcohol abuse on occasion. Then, he joined a touring band and began using drugs behind my back. I would catch him in a lie once in a while. He would use LSD or ecstasy. We would argue and he would promise he would never lie again. Then again it would happen. Finally, we broke up a little over a year ago.

A few months later, he wanted back in my life. He had quit the band, gotten a steady job and seemed to be doing well.. He convinced me that he had reassessed his life and wanted to be better. And things were better for a while. Flash forward to just a few months ago. He was living with his mom (where he moved after we broke up) and she kicked him out. I didn't know why at the time. So he moved back in with me. Things were going well and I felt confident that it was a step in the right direction for us. Here and there I would notice an odd behavior or get suspicious, but nothing that ever led me to think something was going on. Then, he took ecstacsy the night before my masters graduation ceremony and one of his friends let it slip while we were out celebrating. It ruined the night for me. I convinced myself it was a one time slip up… ugh. We recently moved cities for my new job and were excited about the new apartment and setting- the chance to make a new home together.

A few weeks ago, I went out of town camping with some friends for the weekend. I had a hard time getting ahold of his the last day or so I was there. Then came the call- the morning I was leaving to drive home. His mom calls me and tells me that he had showed up at her house very confused and disoriented. He had lost his car with the keys locked inside. Had no idea where it was or where he had even just walked to her house from. Eventually, after searching all night, they find it. And on the seat of the car, along with his keys and cell phone, was a bag of pills and a bag of marijuana. She tells me all of this and divulges that he was kicked out of her house for similar behavior. And when I finally get ahold of him, I ask about it. Well, when he found out that his mom called me he flew off the handle. He called her work over 30 times and sent emails bad mouthing his own mother to her boss. He has forbidden me from talking to her again.

Turns out it was a 2 day xanax bender. When the dust finally settles, he doesn't even think this entire situation is a big deal. He assured me he would get counseling. He didn't. He assured me he would never use benzos again after that weekend and it was a one time thing. He assured me he would stop getting his marijuana from the dealer that also gave him the xanax. All lies. I have found the pills in the house and know he his still going to this dudes house. I have explained the pain in my past from my brother and my previous relationship. He was with me when my brother went to jail and rehab. He denies addiction but all of the signs are there. I am feeling like I have no where to go with this because his behavior when confronted is so volatile and i worry about my career being threatened. I cannot continue on like this. I understand that his addiction is a disease. I understand I have enabled him in the past and even in the present. When sober, he is a wonderful and caring companion. But I just do not have any idea how to deal with this all while starting my new VERY scary and intense job next week.

I'm sorry that this was such a long and detailed post but honestly, It just feels good to get it out there. I've never told the story to anyone in one go. I have one good friend who I can share this with but I just feel like I have to keep this secret life hidden away from people around me, including his and my own family. It is hard and I am hoping that through Nar-Anon I can find a little guidance and peace of mind. Thank you for reading.

Rain