Nar-Anon Chat™

I have been with my fiance for almost 2 years and although it took a while to understand that he was an addict who hasn't been able to stop using I am thankful to discover this area as a way to not feel so isolated.
He would have slip ups which I would call minor in comparison to this weekend, about every three months. I have spent so much time worrying how I set him off or what I did that made him disappear and use. He would fall off the grid for a few days and then be back and ready to get clean and all would be "right with the world". When he asked me to marry him, I knew beyond all doubt that this man was the mate to my soul and that I could not live without him. When we began living together he once didn't come home and swore it would never happen again. Until it happened again… and again. I have spent many nights here in this large house by myself hysterical that he was not safe or in danger/dead/locked up/etc. In the beginning I would talk to his mom about it because she had been there for him before and would be my outlet for help when I was willing to admit it to her that he was using. He's done it more frequently since December and I just left her out of it because I felt it was my problem now and I would have to handle it alone.
He has been gone the longest as of now that he has ever been gone; but due to my involuntary skills at tracking I can tell he has his phone on; that he has read social media messages; and even at times when it is on I can see what area of town he is driving in. (he drives when he uses (cocaine)….its so dangerous for everyone I know) He just grips the steering wheel and will come home with blisters on his hands from never letting go. I found this site last night and was so thankful for the opportunity to be in a chat room with others who listened to me without judgement. I was up all night with worry after gaining a small nap from the comfort of chat. I have a critical job as a nurse and in my area surrounded by tragedy I can't miss work to sit home and wait for him to return, yet I feel crazy as I constantly message him; attempt to call/text/facebook…. As if him reading my 50 other messages did some good so that ONE more message will seal the deal. Today I came home and read through the first few steps. I am coming to terms that I can not control this situation; that I must give in to a higher power and that sounds so peaceful to me. Considering the way my mind is spinning and in a constant state of panic I am choosing to let him sit through this and leave him alone.
I messaged his new boss this morning to save them from calling me during my day to reach out as his emergency contact when he didn't show up to work. I did not lie, nor make excuses but just as a courtesy as a human being I wanted them to know he has gone off book and is shutting out the world at the moment. I didn't ask for further questions or concerns, but they asked if I hear from him to let them know. The first time he did this I was on the phone every hour with the boss and they were helping me look for him…. he no longer works there of course.. but i didn't have it in me to save that connection for him.
I know that he needs help and hopefully he can find the strength to recover from this; however I plan to shower, meditate and pray for his safety and the safety of others and hopefully sleep a little more than an hour or so.
Thank you all for the help last night…and future nights to come. I only hope I can help others when I am able as those who listened to me "run the board" last night. Leslie