Nar-Anon Chat™

My husband has been an addict since the age of 13. So now at the age of almost 34 it's the only life he knows. The main two addictions of his are alcohol and meth. About 2 yrs ago(1yr into our relationship) was when I first found out about his addiction the meth. He has used on and off for many yrs. Everytime he begins using its supposed to be an occasional thing that he does. But he always loses control and begins a downward spiral not caring who gets hurt in the process and losing his job most of the time. Once I found out about the problem I tried leaving but loved him too much. He finally got a grip again and things went back to "normal". Almost 7 months ago I got fed up with the wasted time and money on alcohol when we had just been evicted and my car was repossessed and we had a 6month old son. I left thinking I had to be strong for my son and he deserved better no matter how much it hurt for me to leave. I came back when I found out he hadn't drank since I left. Which even though it was only for about a week it was the longest he had gone without a drink in a very long time and I felt he was ready to put the bottle down for good. He is still sober today (alcohol that is). About 2 months ago I find him hiding texts from me. He'd never done this before to my knowledge so it was a big slap in the face that something was up. After a lot of fighting I finally got him to admit it was a buddy he used to get pills from but lost contact with once he switched jobs. It hurt knowing he was spending money on such stupid things when we couldn't even pay our bills and occasionally had to ask help to buy formula or diapers for our son. But as far as he said it was done and over with so I did my best to just put it behind us but I couldn't because of how he had been acting for a few months now. I had a feeling he had been using again. I asked a few times and always got told no and was made to feel bad for asking because I didn't trust him and I knew he was under a lot of stress because of work, bills, and the new baby due to come soon so I would drop it. I then started becoming the wife who felt the need to search phone records to see who he was talking to and when. Then going through his phone to see what his text messages said just to find most of them had been deleted. After months of feeling like he was using again and him telling me he wasn't and that he would tell me if he decided to again this past Saturday I finally stood my ground and made him come clean to me. Once again he is using. Like always it started out as every now and then and then more and more regular. Two days in a row now I have watched him walk out the door for work (no hug,kiss,or goodbye) early to go to a friends house to get high. While me and my son spend maybe an hour a day with him lately he is leaving early to do this horribly stupid thing when he could be spending time with us. Or at least our son. Now that it has come out that he is using again not only has he made it clear that he wants to continue to use but also that he wants me to be okay with him using "every now and then". My heart aches knowing he is so much better than this. I try to tell him that it's not only the using that bothers me but the lying that hurts just as much. He just doesn't understand how much it affects me. I'm almost 7 1/2 months pregnant with our second child and I can barely eat, I'm so stressed worrying about him constantly, I can't sleep, and I'm distant with my son because my mind is somewhere else. I feel like I'm failing as his wife…