Nar-Anon Chat™

I am new to this site, as well as to nar-anon; I would appreciate any advice on where to start.

A little about myself: A few years ago I fell in love with a long time friend of mine. While we weren't very close friends, (truth be told, he was a close friends younger brother, more of an acquaintance than friend of mine) we had enough contact throughout the years that I was aware of his drug use. However it was my understanding, at that time, that he had been clean for about one year. We became practically inseparable right from the start, and within a couple months I knew he wasn't being completely honest about his sobriety.

Enter the beginning of a tumultuous relationship.

It's been on and off, back and forth ever since then.

If I had to name a "drug of choice" for him I guess it would have to be opiates, however his tight grip on dependence seems to be equal opportunity. He can't even take ibuprofen as directed, and instead takes it in such grandiose quantities that he developed some pretty serious ulcers. I feel like everything is a potential temptation to him – cough drops, herbal supplements, over the counter medications – none of them survive long in this house.

Feelings of loneliness, depression, frustration, anxiety seem to be snaking their way in to the very core of my being. Yet, here I am, still in love with him, still hopelessly believing we'll grow old together. I can't help but wonder if this means there's something deeply, maybe even inherently, wrong with me that makes me stay; and I worry that this may change me forever, in a broken-beyond-repair kinda way. I used to be a level headed, independent kind of girl – now, my emotions are erratic and increasingly feel all-consuming.

I don't want to lose myself. I want to once again feel whole, and that I am standing on stable ground.

Feels good to at least be able to vent a bit. Thanks to each of you that reads this, and in advance to any that respond.