Iâve been told for awhile now that I should be going to meetings or to even try these online groups. It took me so long because im embarrassed to admit that this is my life, that I have allowed myself to give up control of my own life and happiness. I feel so lost and alone. I am hoping to find some advice and support,
My relationship is complicated to say the least. I have yet to determine whether my boyfriend is currently using or not, but his behavior tells me he has to be. Unfortunately, I was never able to tell when he was using before so I really am just going off my gut feeling. A little history, we were together a short period not long after he had been released from prison the first time (I know, first red flag, but his story on why he did time was sad). I knew he had a history with drugs, but was told he had been in recovery for 3 years. From what I could tell he was working the program, going to meetings multiple times a week and seemed to truly be working for a better life. Boy was I wrong! He was sent back for violating parole (drug use). It was then that I found out everything had been a lie. Not only had he been using the entire time, he had also been seeing someone else. Right then I should have been done, but I had already grown to love this person. For 3 months we called and wrote each other. In this time I had also been in contact with his family. Long story short, he sweet talked me into me letting him back into my life when he got released, this time though he moved in with me. We did decide though that we would not pursue a relationship as I now had many trust issues that we needed to work through first. Although I was very untrusting, things were great in the beginning. One of the stipulations of him moving in were that I drug tested him (his idea) and the first few tests came out negative with no issues. The other stipulation was that if he was still in contact with the other girl he could not come back (they used together). Shortly into him being home I found out they had been in contact. At first it was just once and then it was more frequent. When I voiced that I had an issue with that he supposedly stopped contact with her. During this time though asking for a drug test was difficult. I HATED asking for them to begin with so they were very infrequent. About a month or so in maybe 4th test, getting a test was difficult. He didnât need to pee or heâd try to take it while I was at work and it would be days before I could finally get one. Then money started disappearing. And then things were great again for about a month or so. I chalked everything up to just being bad timing and me being stressed and losing things. Since things had been better we had decided to start working on our relationship again. That went well, or so I thought, for a few weeks. I think I was just trying to ignore the signs, trying to keep the peace and be happy. He then got fired from his job and money was disappearing again. He is now working again, but for 3 months money has been disappearing, not mine anymore as I have taken measures to make sure he canât get mine, but he is constantly spending money he canât account for. Heâs lost a lot of weight, is constantly sick and is never in a good mood. We fight about EVERYTHING. He swears heâs not using and my asking questions all the time only makes him more aggravated and causes us to fight more. Iâm crazy for thinking he would steal from me or lie to me. Recently he has become violent. Almost anything will set him off. And any time things become physical, itâs always my fault. I shouldnât have said whatever it was that made him flip.
Iâm losing myself. I feel like I am losing my mind. I donât mean to allow this to continue happening. He swears things will change and I feel like I should give him the chance to make that happen. But when is enough, enough? How do I let go? Of course things arenât all bad, he can be an amazing man at times. This isnât just me not allowing myself to forget the past right? Am I crazy for being suspicious and questioning everything? I am exhausted from the constant chaos that has become my life. I would like to think that I am a strong person. I am usually pretty good at being able to cut toxic people out of my life. I even cut my sister out of my life when she started using again, so why am I so weak when it comes to him?
I can totally relate to your situation. I have been with my husband 16 years almost and he recently back in October started using cocaine (or crack) not sure which one he is now addicted. I have never had an issue with him paying rent or anything if i asked him until this past week. he blew our rent money and i certainly don't have $900 to make up. If he doesn't find a way to come up with it then we including his 76 year old mother will be evicted. IDK maybe that is what needs to happen. He has loaned our vehicle to a so called friend who fixes cars and this guy took it on a joy ride and got into a high speed chase with cops and totalled vehicle. So now i am out that as well, as long as the things he has sold. I can't deal with anymore. he is on parole and he thinks bc they don't check on him but every couple months he is good money. I am waiting for them to do a urine test bc he will show he has drugs in system then he goes away. I really just want him to go to a rehab and help himself but he acts to proud or something i don't know. he said he knows the devil has him and he is gonna break this. Truthfully, i don't see how bc there isnt a day that goes by he doesnt use or find an excuse. He is very tempermental when you ask him anything and has been violent in past. I am also just very disgusted and exhausted. I am here if you want to vent more.
Everything you said, but especially this right here:
"It took me so long because im embarrassed to admit that this is my life, that I have allowed myself to give up control of my own life and happiness. I feel so lost and alone."
This was me also. Still feeling lost and out of control of my own life and happiness, I don't feel alone anymore. I know it's hard not to feel embarrassed, but it will feel like a ton of bricks off your shoulders letting it out and talking to someone. Whether thats a close family member or friend you trust, or a counselor/therapist, or a fellow nar-anon member. It will feel liberating and you don't have to go through this alone. It is hard enough, take the help and support offered.
1 Guest(s)