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Hi. My husband is my addict. We have been together 9 years and married 5 years in August. In the beginning of our relationship he hide his addict. I didn't know. Not really being around it (I don't drink or do any drugs myself.) I was naive to the the signs. It's been a really hard journey. We do have a four year old son together now. Been through so much together. I've helped withdrawal. Whine himself off. He's been in rehab several times. Not too long ago was in jail for 3 weeks and then a rehab center. Best thing that could of happened to him honestly. He's been finally clean truly for 43 days. Longest it ever been. He goes to meeting everyday n does the things he needs to do. But cuz of the fight through taking care of my little family I feel like I lost myself. I really need someone that I can talk to. I have been to some meetings but they r to far n with son, being busy all the time it's easier online. I don't know how to better myself. I tried reading but doesn't fully help me. I honestly don't believe in a higher power. (Not putting anyone else down that does) that's just me n have I have felt for many years. Really could use some help and a friend that understands where I'm coming from. I wanna find myself again. Be happy for once. He is working on himself but I feel alone n lost. Stuck in worry n the past don't wanna be like that anymore. Thanks for ur time. Have a wonderful day
Hi, This is Barbaraforthem
My daughter is an addict and I have tried to stop her from using. Found out that I had no control since she was an adult and she hid everything from me. I put her in rehab and she completed it and is back out trying to get her children back. I have been so wrapped up in her stuff that I let go of who I am and now time to let go of her and start living for me. I was told by family counselor that she has to fix her problems and I need to work on giving control over to her. It has been hard. I want to leave where I live now and move to warmer climate that is better for my health. I have taken a part time job so I can save some money to buy property and build a house. So, I am just taking it one step at a time. I read everything I can about the house I want to build and wrote out my goals. There aren't any support groups where I live so I hope we can talk often and help each other move pass our situation.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. My daughter has to get back on track and I have to trust that she is doing that but my old self wanted to jump in and ask her if she is doing what she is suppose to do. That old fear is creeping in and I become very anxious. It is very hard to focus on me when I am worried about her. I tried to stay busy but my mind was not on the task I was doing. Today I am going out and doing somethings that I haven't had time to do and hopefully that will help. The hardest part is not letting her manipulate me or make me feel guilty because I have to say no to something she wants. Wish I had someone to talk to when I start to slip back into old pattern.
Its tough loving/caring about an addict, I am one…but you have to make time for you and your other loved ones. Its too exhausting to constantly pursue someone else path to recovery. Offer all the help and support you can but don't let it destroy you. While its true an addict needs as much love and support as possible there still needs to be a set limit for yourself where you say "okay, I need to step back and do my thing for a little bit." Than you can jump back to it, anything from taking a walk with your child just the two of you or going to a gym,trying out different hobbies anything to take a break. I'm not one to sugar coat things, addicts are extremely selfish and down right rotten with how they do things so it may be difficult not to "hover" and using all your energy and time on the person but you can't allow that. You must take "you" time.
I am trying to take more time for myself. The hardest part of taking time for me is my grandchildren were my life. I miss them so much that it is killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. I know they are having a hard time and want to come home. We had so much planned for this summer. I have been stepping back and I see that my daughter is really trying and is growing. She is going to meetings and seeing a counselor, joined a free Karate class for addicts and working. I can't ask for more than that from her and she made me a promise not to fail. I have to trust her because she is the only one who can fix things. She knows how much this is hurting me. I am just lost and living in a small town where there isn't anything to do and very little support for this situation. It is very difficult to sit back and do nothing when I see that the very people who are suppose to be helping her are putting roadblocks up at every turn. They are not following the judges orders and interpreting them to make her fail. I can only imagine how my daughter feels and that scares me. I feel helpless and very alone in all of this.
Hey guys. Sorry I haven't written back. I got locked out for some reason but I figure it out n I'm back. Thank u so much for responding to my post. Means a lot that people even read it. Lately the pass two weeks or so the things I have read in naranon online n on the naranon groups on Facebook have me feeling really depressed. I been trying really hard to change my way of thinking n bring up the past from when my husband was using. (Over 90 days clean now) longest its ever been. Reading the posts would bring everything back. So I am taking a break for a Lil bit for reading at least the posts. I'll go back to them soon though. Just needed positive stories so I dont get so stuck in my head n start worrying again. I'm glad to hear that ur daughter is doing well. I hope everything is still going OK. I know u really miss ur grandkids. N this may be a cheesy suggestion but being that all my family live in Florida n I live in Michigan, my son (4) n I have been writing letters to my nieces n nephew there. My son colors them pictures too. He loves checking the mailbox n receive mail. Not sure how old they r. Gets me out of my head for a lil bit. N that way talking about uplifting things u guys did together u could still take a step back but show them that ur there n thinking about them. Which I'm sure they know already. Dunno just a thought. Just when I do n puts a smile on my feel receiving there pictures or letter. Not having family close makes its really hard sometimes. I'm always here if u wanna talk Barbaraforthem.
Hi Hopingforchange, My daughter is doing really well and I have learned that you can't focus on the past but only what is happening right now. It is scary and hard to do but I am doing better in letting the past go. The writing suggestion is great and I will start doing more. It is really hard not having family close. I am in Utah and most of my family lives in Phoenix. So I understand how alone you can feel. I am 60 and thought this stuff was all behind me. I don't know if we are allowed to exchange numbers but if we can figure that out I would love to talk with you in person. Maybe we can help each other stay in the present and forgive our loved one's for the past. Here is my email ** you do not have permission to see this link ** . We can exchange numbers there if you like.
Hi again,
I wanted to tell you that I got a part time job working for a few hours in the morning. That really helped to get me out of my head. It's an easy job where I get to meet and talk to a lot of different people from all over. It takes my mind off of things and I am just saving the money to help with my grandchildren. I pray in the morning and keep myself in a positive mood. I am taking it one day at a time and only working on what I can control for today. The serenity prayer is a great way to start out the day. 90 days sober is great and encouragement works. Have you ever gone to any of his meetings with him? I did with my daughter so I could hear what other people were going through and they let me tell them what I was experiencing. They got to see how their behavior affected me. It is good to talk out your feelings without blame. I don't know if you have that opportunity but it helped me allot. Barbaraforthem
I hope you are doing well. I am new here as well. My husband is an addict. We have been married 18 years. I just filed for divorce this week. It's been pretty hard. I am still on step one, realizing I can change nothing. I have more hard days than strong days. My sister in law wrote me and asked to file a petition for an involuntary psychiatric evaluation for him. I am going to do it, but I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for everything….including his addiction. My husband and I were best friends! He WAS my rock my security, my safe spot. After continuous meth use he has become a shell of someone I once knew. He now hates me for reasons only known to him. His sister even asked him if he wanted to kill me! He feels all his problems are because of me. I know that he is far beyond my help or anyone else except his own. I understand about feeling alone. My family is close and I still feel alone. They would not understand about his addiction and/or my addiction "love" to him. I agree and still have to remind myself about living every day and every moment in the present. This leaves no room for disappointment. Stay strong and try and remind yourself of your own worth. You are worthy and you have a bigger purpose other than a spouse of an addict. I am not religious by all means, but I know I get strength from somewhere. I am a Mother of 2 teenagers. I know I have to be strong for them. I can not let them see me break and fall and give them the right to give up on themselves. I feel brittle inside and I do not always know what I am doing, but I will never let them know! I use these forums and NA meetings to vent and reassure myself im not crazy. It does help! Take care!!
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