11 years ago I walked away from a 24 year marriage because the husband would not stop using drugs. Off and on for 22 years he tried and I tried but he could not stop using and I was 42 and did not want to try anymore. My nerves had all I could take. My girls were 21 and 24 and on their own living their own lives. Once I left him, they hated me and for 11 years I have watched their downward spiral on drugs. The thing is, I was so busy watching him that I never noticed they were on anything. To hear them tell it now they took pills and smoked pot and he helped them, according to them. how could I not know this? I have enabled without knowing it when I would give them money. Once I learned of their use, I stopped giving them money but I would feed them if they were hungry, or get them toiletries etc. My husband now has no tolerance for it. He watched them make me cry when they would call me names like the "c" word and if you don't know what that is…it's disgusting and that's enough to know. My grandchildren are spread all over the place. If I had lived in town when they stopped caring for them I would probably be caring for a couple but instead one is with my ex's mother who hates me, but who hasn't ever kept me from my granddaughter thank God, but my worry over that before is maddening. It all becomes too much. The others are with grandmother's and their father's and a cousin. I wonder what I did wrong to not see all of this coming! I go back now and spend all of my time with the grandchildren so they will know me and they will know they are loved. I want custody of one now, her daddy won't give her to me. I am hoping he will see we could give her a better life. The girls I raised, neither raise their children, how did that happen? I was there every day for them, they never had to wonder where I was, where they would sleep or what they would eat, why would they do this to their children? I have so much spilling out of my brain right now that it's overwhelming. I pray for them daily sometimes more than once and I pray they will stop. Both of them have a couple of times but it never sticks. I don't have money for rehabs and such so they've been on their own about having to get help. I feel like a failure, would leaving their father sooner have helped? Would I have had more time to focus on what was really going on with them? So many questions. I have tried so many times to have a good relationship but they don't want one. They treat me like crap, talk to me like I am stupid or a dog and I have realized that I have to just let them go and let God do his work on them. It is hard not having any control over this situation, I am not a controlling person but always in control if that makes sense and I guess it's from being the oldest of 5 and growing up having to help raise the other 4 when my parents would split up for months and months. I do come from a very dysfunctional family with alcholics galore, both sides. I am so thankful I did not get that gene, it is only by the Grace of God. Thanks for listening…and could someone tell me about the 12 steps?
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