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Hello,
Well I guess I'll start from the beginning. .
A little over 9 months ago I fell completely in love with an addict..
It caught me by surprise and I wasn't 100% aware of his situation, but I wasn't completely oblivious either..
I was told by him he was clean and I believed him until time went on I noticed the sign..I already knew but I would ask hoping for an honest answer and I never got one..until December 27th..
On that day everything changed..I found his needles and there was no denying it after that..I spoke to his sponsor, who from the beginning told him to be honest, and in private we confronted him together..
It was a very strange situation..when we were all together I froze..he cried..when we were alone he apologized..at home we spoke about it..
From then on it wasn't much of a secret..he has tried to stop a number of times but it doesn't last and I know from just one look..even if he's not right in my face what he has done..
On a bright side he's open about it but not until after the damage has been done..
& there has been a lot of damage…most recently he has been known to entertain himself with other women..not physically, but in other inappropriate ways..& after everything I just question it all..
With out a doubt I love this man, but what causes him to do these things! He says he's sick and he always messes things uo, but why?!
I'm completely lost..I don't know how to move forward in our relationship..I don't know how to help him..I understand it has to be his choice..he needs to want it..but I feel like I can't just sit on the side and hope for the best..& at the same time I can't leave..I would hurt even more with out him..it's a crazy situation…
But looking for help, advise, support…people who are going through or have been through what I am going through at the moment..
Hi Meh396, welcome!!
If you have been reading this board youâve probably noticed that lying is a common symptom of the disease of addiction. It seems we all expect/want honesty from our addicted loved ones (ALOs) but the reality isâ¦.. Addiction is all about secrets and with secrets come lies. ï Nar-Anon has taught me to stop looking for truth or lies. When I get the feeling Iâm being lied to I immediately redirect the conversation to something else. I donât have to subject myself to their twisted version of reality. And accusing them of lying has only provoked arguments in the past. If I know for a fact that Iâm being lied to I call them on it then let it go. If I donât know for sure (only suspect) then I just let it go because 99.9% of the time they are not going to own it anyway.
I am sure your ALO was sincere when he cried and apologized. There is so much guilt and shame associated with addiction but keep in mind that he is not in control of the addiction; it has control of him -> relapse happens. It takes a lot of strength to not take it personally. Their addiction doesnât have to do with us, it is all about THEM. They donât relapse to hurt us or themselves intentionally. They do it because they are not in control of their drug use.
You asked the eternal question, âWhy?â There are many reasons and still no real answer. Addiction is a baffling disease. You will continuously hit your head against a wall if you look for a rational explanation; Sad, but true.
'Hope you will continue to post your experiences here to share with others. We all learn from one another.
Please join us in the chat room for meetings and fellowship. Hope to see you there!
Yours in service and friendship,
Annie
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
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