Nar-Anon Chat™

If anyone even reads this I don't know. My anxiety is at a point I don't think I could do a face to face meeting. I've been up all morning looking online for something or someone out there to talk to. Some kind of advice for some kind of relief. This has been going on so long part of me feels numb to it, except for the small amount of times my feelings actually feel real. If that makes any sense. Anyways, my mom is an addict. I moved to Florida from Ohio last year, basically running away from her and all the problems I had, thinking that somehow if it was out of sight it would be out of mind. She followed me. Because she is my mom. She loves me. And I will always love her. But she's almost become a stranger. I feel like I can never explain this without explaining the whole story. So if you're still listening, she isn't a bad person. I think she is lost. My mom was the best mom growing up. She worked all day at the hospital, came home still in scrubs, started dinner, gardened with me, she would take a bath and I would sit outside the bathroom and talk to her the entire time. We shared everything together. She has always been unconditionally loving. She was my best friend. She supported me no matter what. Went to every softball game, choir concert, etc. When I graduated my parents were going through a tough time and divorced. I fell into depression when I started college in the fall and ended up having a nervous breakdown at work and quit my job and dropped out of school. From there I had ended up moving out. She was still sober then. But she had been so depressed from splitting up with my dad she was laying in bed all day. I took my brother and sister back and forth to school and practices, tried to be there for everyone and it was too much. SO I moved out to start my life. I moved into a house and rented a room off of a woman who ended up being an addict. I knew nothing about drugs. I mean nothing, apart from what you see in the movies and occasional jokes. But I never knew. A man had moved in and rented a room and my mom met him, fell for him, and married him. He was a poly addict. Mainly heroine, but everything else as well, coke, crack, pills, alcohol. It didn't matter. I still feel guilty and cant shake it, thinking if I had never moved into that house that all of our lives would different. I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty and it isn't my fault. That's what everyone tells me. I just can't shake it and it weighs on me. She was sober with him for awhile. And the guy was smooth. I swear he could talk anyone into anything. The ultimate charmer. The downward spiral of her life and mine followed this. I was 19 at the time. It only got worse. My little brother moved out at 17 also falling into addiction. My little sister was still living with her while the addiction was happening. It had gotten to a point where she couldnt stay there so I had her come and live with me. She stayed with me when she was 17 until she was ready to move out. She couldn't stay in the fighting and drugs. Again, this entire shift in the way our lives were was just…something else. Reading all of this back to myself I'm still not even sure if I should be writing this here. regardless. My girlfriend and little sister have seen my mom grab a heroine soaked cotton ball out of a rumpke dumpster can and suck on it. Called the police when we went to her house and she was passed out with drugs all over the table. I've seen her run outside and jump into her rent a car to drive away from a tow truck driver. She has been shot with Narcan from overdosing. She left the husband. She is now 41 and is with a 29 year blood gang member. She got all tatted up. Prison tattoos everywhere. Has been to jail for shoplifting. The new boyfriend she brought with her to follow me to Florida and he threatened to burn my house down and kill all of us. He slept by the bushes outside my house cutting his throat and begging for her to come outside. I tried to get her to live with me but I can't get her to stay for more than 3 days and she disappears. I went to work and she left and left a note that she loved me but doesn't want to hurt me. I went into a rage, I didnt know how to feel. I threw all of her stuff into a closet. I literally have ALL of her stuff. All pictures, clothing, baby stuff. Its to the point now I can't get close to anyone anymore. I don't feel like I have friends. I feel like no one understands me. No one can help me. I don't cry. I don't feel. But once in awhile. I don't like to because its an excruciating amount of sadness and pain that wrecks my entire emotional stability. The only mom I've ever known is gone. She will never be what she was. She will never be mom. She is Amy now. And it is so overwhelmingly heartbreaking. I have such bad anxiety and I can't tell if it's from this or if I'm just messed up now. Its too bad for me to go to a counselor, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. The entire family has disowned her. I haven't talked to her for weeks now. That's normal for us. Mainly for me. She still tries. But I just cant bring myself to do it. We just talk about on the surface things, how's work, how's life. She doesnt talk about herself. I get the occasional I love you message. I just reply back, I love you too mom. Because what else can I say. Everyone else dogs her so much. I don't want to be the straw that breaks the camels back. I know she will end up overdosing and dying. She wont get help. I picture the day I get that call almost everytime I think of her. I'm at a point where I just block everything out. Anything to occupy my mind until I'm not thinking of it anymore. She is just one person but it feels like I'm this broken awful thing. I have a lot of empathy. And its so hard. I feel like I can understand things from most points of view, I understand. God this is long. If anyone out there is still reading, sorry. I just… I don't know. I just want to be Becky again. I can't talk about it or I cry. And I don't cry.I just feel like shes gone already and if I give up completely she will be. And then it will be done. And I'll be done. Because I don't know how to handle anything. I can't cope. So Idk. This is it I guess. This is the story. From here I will just keep walking around feeling empty, and sad, I don't know what else to do.