Mother of an addict. Began 8 years ago. He uses heroin. I knew that day would change everything.
Over the 8 years a few rehabs, on and off suboxone, missing household items, stolen money, etc etc. some good sober time/a few months then a relapse; about 14 months ago. Desperate the only bed open was a place in Ma. with a great reputation. Off he willingly went. He was doing great, then a relapse after moving in to a halfway house. Then, the phone rang, my son said are you sitting? I said yes why? He said mom I overdosed. (Please know before I continue I am enormously grateful he is with us.) I felt like a Mac truck cane at me with its brights on and its horn on blast. After completely i therapeutic parenting I suppose that would be better. I began sobbing saying no no no! then pleading, before I knew it I was hearing my name and being helped up off the floor. I recall nothing else. I’m not prone to fainting. Injuries were minimal.
I am a recluse for about 7 years. I break most plans. When he was in Ma. doing well I was so happy I was hitting my knees with thank you. I started going out, taking better care of myself. Listening to music again and most importantly being a present mother to my 10 year old daughter and my son too. He sounded almost unrecognizable. Since the incident I’ve spiraled. I’d say it’s the past seven years plus I don’t know, crying bouts, insomnia, I keep replaying his rescue scene in my head( what I believe it was) sometime the thought is so painful I Yelp or make a noise out loud. For the 1st time I’m angry. I hate big pharma, the government, drug reps, Rx writing dealers, cancer pain meds for pulled backs. I hate OxyContin and Fentanyl. Heroin. The dealers. I read a mother tricked her daughters dealer after and od into meeting her, pretending she was her daughter. She showed up with two guns. No one was hurt, that us very good news. Do I think she’s a whacko, no. Would I do it, no. Do I get it and have wanted to,absolutely. I did call his dealer and the phone was hung up for me during a visit from my father. I know my son is responsible, intellectually I know that 95% of the time. But I swear there is evil out there. Do they really think all of our kids said hey let’s shoot heeling around the same time. So so so many cases from Oxy. Either way they’re all suffering or dying. I can’t live this way without a reprieve. Not from my child, no. The terror, the broken heart ,the worry, the way I’m living, my daughter, my daughter ❤️ I’m watching every little thing she does for future signs. She needs me not a shell of me. I show up for nothing. I endure the day. I’m a nurse. I should know better. It’s almost like the air hurts. I can’t bare the thoughts or the thought. Thank you for reading. Please excuse grammatical errors. I just need to share this. Thank you again
Hi!
I feel for you! I feel like i know you already. I feel everything you feel. Anger, frustration, numbness, helplessness, grief, isolation, no one to talk to, no one would would understand.
I feel all of this everyday.
My son is also an addict. Rehab 2 times. He lives with me. He used to work with me but he just got fired after running equipment into our work office. I’m just glad he didn’t kill anyone.
I don’t know how i’m doing it. I am holding down my job, cooking, being a member in shriners, and LOS Ladies of the Oriental Shrine. But, i have a dark secret. My heart is bleeding from the pain i feel for my son. I actually don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m just trying to be a Mom. You know a mother will defend her “cub” no matter what.
I hope this forum helps me cause i really don’t have anyone else to turn to. Except God of course. I started parking my jeep at work at the gate(one mile away) and walking to work and walking back to my jeep after work. This is my “alone time” where i can talk to God, say a prayer, ask for help. And the walking seems to make me feel better. Bing eating seems to take away some pain. Sometimes i eat a whole bag of jelly beans after dinner. Just something to chew that dulls the pain. I’m not overweight or anything, but i know i’m not taking care of myself the way i should. And, I do deserve to be happy. I wish my son didn’t live with me, but then i would be worried to death about him so really i am nothing but a mess.
If you saw me at work or at my other activities, you would think i have it all going on and I’m all together, but in the inside I am literally dying. I spend my days after work checking on my son, walking up and down the steps, finding him on the floor with needles completely out of it. O.D’d at least 3 times that i know of. My BF saved his life at least twice.
Anyway, you are not alone.
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