I just want to start by taking a moment to thank everyone for checking out the Nar-Anon Chat Website. For those of you whom I may not have had the opportunity to meet, my name is Nicole, and my husband is my addict.
I grew up in a typical June Cleaver type family. I was sheltered from the world of drugs and alcohol, and how it affects all those around it. So I had no clue when I married my husband what I was in for. I got a crash course on addiction, addicts, and co-dependency.
My husband’s drug of choice is Crack. He was 10 years sober when he picked back up. After the first time he used, he cried like a baby, swore he would never do it again. I was naïve. I believed him and I had no experience to teach me otherwise since I had never been around addiction. He went a couple of days without using, and then one day didn’t come home. I waited up all night and all day frantic that something happened to him for two days straight. When he finally came back, he told me to mind my business and get off his back. I was powerless already and did not even know it.
I spent a bunch of days and nights after that calling him, tracking him, looking at the online bank account to see how much money he had taken out. I begged him to stop. Tried to make him feel guilty. Cleaned up his messes. Lied on his behalf. Nothing worked. I couldn’t stop him.
When all was said and done, my husband was in jail, I was homeless and lost most of my material possessions, our $60,000 down payment that we saved for a new home was gone, $65,000 in debt was in my name and I didn’t know where to start since it was not the end of my addicts roller coaster ride. My life was filled with panic, disbelief and complete and utter sadness.
I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I found myself desperate for resolution, alone, and scared. There was no moment for me to just stop and rest.
I was and am a classic co-dependent. A term, that I truly did not understand. It has taken me three years to begin to learn what co-dependency is all about and to start working on myself to restore my inner peace.
I found the chat room at the beginning of my journey when I was surveying all of the financial, emotional, and physical damage of Hurricane Hubby. I was actually looking for face-to-face meetings near me when I stumbled across the chat room. At first, I needed someone to tell me what to do. I was clueless of what the first step needed to be, and I constantly felt frantic and overwhelmed. I couldn’t type the words fast enough to explain my circumstances. But I came night after night and had rant after rant until I realized that coming regularly gave me a place to be.
A place where I was understood.
A place where I could say anything and feel my feelings without feeling judged.
It was safe.
I felt safe.
It has been over three years, and while my life still has signs of the Hurricane Hubby damage, it is starting to get rebuilt and looks less tragic, all because I am working on me 😀 . I hope you all will join me on the message boards and in the chat room because no one should make this journey feeling all alone.
wow!! your story really hit me. By the date of this post (2013) I am wondering how you are, now? Are you and your husband still together? I am also married to an addict….and heartbroken. I never knew about addiction and being that I am 59 I am wondering if i was just in denial, blind or both. I also find this chatroom helpful. I feel so unsafe, crazy and sad most of the time…i just want help. I am learning how to love him enough to let him go…God knows how to be god and I do not. I am like a scared little girl..only wanting everyone to be happy and safe but there is no safety of happiness to be found. I feel like something is wrong with me, to have attracted the wrong kind of men all of my life. This is my 3rd marriage…this time of close to 20 yrs. The last marriage was 17 yrs and my first was due to me getting pregnant and my mother forced me to get married. He was a drug dealer and had pounds of weed under our bed. We were married for 5 minutes (18 months) and i got out due to the whole situation being one big mess. I have problems too. I was heavily into drugs in my teens and when i got pregnant i stopped it all…and lost all of my friends since i was not fun anymore. I am finding this to be the case in this marriage. We met online at a local chatroom. Got together….he was such a charmer. We both are Christians and knowing that he was, caused me to see him as a god-like person. He is 4 yrs older than me, treated me so special…i found safety, and love that i never knew existed. Or so i believed. I can say that even today I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. My husband drugs of choice are benzos, narcotic pain pills, alcohol, weed, ambien, my medicine (he steals my meds). I live a life of counting pills, anger, depression, fear, anxiety and hopelessness. We dont have a regular marriage in the area of intimacy either. I love him…i dont want to bring hurt or pain or abandonment but I am now feeling feelings that i have never felt before: so tired of trying that i am just watching my life pass me by and 2 decades of hell and not wanting to waste another day on this loveless, drug addicted life. He is abusive to me….mostly emotionally but he beat me up on mothers day. He had been drinking and was antagonistic looking to argue. It got physical…i fought back and remember him on top of me with a closed fist hitting my face. I could not leave the house for 3 weeks. This incident has changed me. On the regular, he is extremely emotionally abusive to me….meaner than a junk yard dog, also uses the bible to tell me off on how i am a contentious woman who doesnt respect him. I dont respect him. Now, i feel mostly nothing for him. Before…i just took it, over and over. I am praying for you Nicole.
I apologize as I didn't realize that someone had responded to my post. It has been 6 years since I originally posted my introduction. Quite a lot has transpired during that time. I am happy to report that I am in a much better place emotionally and financially. Hurricane Hubby and I divorced in December 2015 after he declared that he "never wanted to be sober again" and "loved doing drugs more than [me]." While we are no longer married and he continues to use drugs on and off, we do still talk. A part of me will always love him and wonder what life could have been if he chose to be sober. He isn't a bad person, he just is consumed by the world of addiction. I am able to keep my healthy boundaries with him thankfully with the knowledge I have gained from this site. I have been an active member since July 3, 2010, and don't foresee that changing any time soon. I continue to learn more and more about myself here and have been able to apply the principles to my every day life. I hope that one day I could help someone the way Robin (aka Glok) and Annie (aka Leftcoastannie) have helped me.
I am really sorry to hear about your current situation and I hope in the time since your post you have found a way to a healthier environment. I encourage you, regardless of where you are in your situation, to make a commitment to yourself and attend the online meetings here. They literally saved me from checking myself into a looney bin. I think I went to almost every meeting for a year before I was in a place where I could take the first big step (I am a slow learner). The first big step is always the hardest, but since taking it I have continued to move forward. I hope you will make the commitment to find the same for yourself. You are worth it and it can be done! Hope to see you at a meeting soon!
Good Morning! Reading this is like reading my journal! I recently just decided to throw in the towel on my marriage.
Tuesday morning I packed all his things. My husband's drug of choice is MDMa and its been 2 years. We got married april of 2018.I feel gulity for wanting to be done so quickly. I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through. I think the thing that keeps popping up in my mind is why? Why did this person throw what we had away for drugs. I feel worthless.
hi, going through similar circumstances, this site doesn't seem very active, if anyone is still around, let me know, plus cant figure our how to create a new thread or if im even allowed to being a newcomer! My husband is on meth, is never home so I know I should just be spending that time working on me altho all I do is sit in self pity that im not even allowed to go places with him HOWEVER, if he is under the influence anyway, he is prob doing me a favor, I enrolled in some online classes, connecting with some goal oriented members who are also enrolled, but anyway, I don't want to take away from the original post here and hope I will be able to start a new thread here or find some where that is more active!
The message boards are often not super active, because people make their way to the chatroom and then use that as their go-to. During the evening hours (particularly on meeting nights) is when the chatroom is most active, though you will find that if you sign in and hang around during the day, people pop in and out all the time. I have found the meetings to be most beneficial. Hope this helps.
Also, there is a thread about how to post a new thread…
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