Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi there,
First I will say thank you for even taking the time to open this. I honestly am not sure what all I will write here but I am desperately seeking advice and knowledge, not only for my addict husband, but for myself – who I have lost throughout this journey.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. Before I met him he was a drug user. Being that I was only 17 when we met, I was never very concerned by it because let’s be honest … most people I knew in my teenage years used drugs or alcohol of some sort. I guess I was naive then in not seeing where it could lead, but I never saw the severity of his issue. Through the years his meth use has popped up here and there. It caused issues in our relationship but he was so good at playing it off as if it were just something he did recreationally because it was there. . Again I was naive. In the last few years, as I have aged and become wiser, I began to see that this was in fact a problem. The extent of his use I still do not know. When the topic comes up he tells me the bare minimum and I have exhausted myself in trying to fix a situation that I now know I have absolutely zero control over.
For the sake of this post I will fast forward to where we are now. My husband attended his first NA meeting yesterday after about a week of real heartbreak between us both. His using has once again popped back up in our lives and I 100% refuse to accept it or push aside any longer. He has admitted in the past to having a problem but has never done a thing to help himself until now.. I hope now anyways. So he attended his meeting which he did not tell me about beforehand, but that’s okay. He received his Welcoming “Just for Today” token at this meeting and placed it on my nightstand for me to find. When I did I asked if he would like to talk about it, and he agreed to talk. We cried and I saw real regret and disappointment within himself. I’m not sure if it’s selfish, but I was glad to see that. I believe he needs to hurt to heal. He has never had any real consequence for his actions. Maybe this time he saw the seriousness in my words that I was gone dealing with it.
To be clear , my husband is a high functioning addict. He has a job which he works anywhere from 40-70 hours a week, we have three children who he is the greatest father too, he is social in the right settings and all around a people person. My children have never suffered a single minute from his addiction as to them, he is their world. However I am discovering that this high functioning addict status sure does make it hard to cope with. No one knows his truths except for me. So how can he be held accountable anywhere other than home? How can he truly move forward with his recovery if it’s still a secret to the world? Maybe he will get to a place of sharing, I guess we’ll wait and see.

As for me , I am struggling more than I ever imagined. I use to be such a positive , life loving person. Today I sit here writing this and I don’t even know who I am. I have lost so much of myself by drowning myself in him., in his problems. My husband loves me, and I know that. But this disconnect I feel from myself , from him and from my marriage is unbearable. During our talk his explained things like why it’s so hard to talk to me. A couple things he mentioned were the fact that it’s hard to talk to me because I do not understand. It’s hard to express feelings he has to me because only someone who has been there would fully grasp what he is saying. I asked if I could do anything to make it easier for him to come to me, in which he simply stated NO. I asked if there was anything I could do to help aid him in his road to recovery, again he stated NO. . So where am I in this? I want nothing more than for him to be better. But surely there is something as his wife I can do to help him… I am currently feeling pushed aside, as if he has another life in which I have no part. I feel lonely, and helpless. In all of this I have also discovered I am suffering from a true depression within me. I have stuffed it down so deep inside for long that not even I knew I was hurting the way I am. I have held myself together on the outside and all of it is beginning to unravel. Within the last week I have told him a lot about my own struggles because I decided I can’t just only work on him any longer. I don’t deserve to live with his pain. I in no way blame him for all of my hurt but this recurring issue is a big part of it. My trust for him is gone. I’ve been lied to so many times I feel so insanely small within our marriage. I don’t feel respected even though I am 100% certain it has never been his intentions to hurt me in these ways.

I guess what I am seeking here is guidance. Guidance in ways I can be there for him but also begin to heal myself. My children deserve two happy/healthy parents. I want his recovery to be his main priority, but I refuse to make it mine any longer. I am not one to ask for help usually, but today I am begging. I want to fix me. I want to work on my marriage . I want to be truly happy for my husband should this be his true start to a better life without drugs.

Thank you for the time you took to read if you made it this far. And thank you for anyone who may be able to reach out to me with any advice you may have. It is all greatly appreciated

Here’s to finding my path to happiness once again.