I only recently discovered the message board, so figured I would take a few minutes to introduce myself.
August 10, 2013 … the first day of the rest of my life … the day I discovered this site through the NarAnon FB group.
My son is my Addict. Steve is 29 years old and has been using for 17 years, since the age of 12. He has been an IV drug user for probably the last 10 years. He is currently addicted to prescription pills, takes Suboxone when he can find a way to pay for them. However, I recently discovered that he is back to using crack again too. He also has a strong affection for "anti anxiety meds" – Xanax, Klonapin, etc. I guess I could sum it up by saying my son will use whatever he can get his hands on.
He has overdosed twice – first time in May 2007, second time in October of the same year. The second OD killed him. Literally. They had to use the paddles to bring him back. He was in a coma for a couple of days, but did manage to survive. First time the Dr. summed up his tox report by saying, "He had everything but the kitchen sink in his system, and some in deadly levels." The second time was heroin…
Oh, I forgot to mention that my husband and I are raising his two oldest children. We've had custody for 6 years this month. Their mom is also an addict and currently incarcerated in Virginia. (We live in Florida.)
Honestly, this has been going on so long, I could write a book and still not cover everything.
But, on the day my daughter was to graduate from high school, in May 2009, (he was staying here at the time) I discovered needles, etc. I went crazy … he was not here at the time, out getting more dope, I'm sure … but I decided then and there, that he had to go. I grabbed a trash bag and began to frantically throw all of his stuff in there. During the course of my mad rush to get his stuff in that bag, I discovered a gun. I'll stop now, but suffice it to say – that was the beginning of my realization that I had to implement some tough love. I put him out, we went and obtained a Domestic Violence injunction against him (when he returned he threatened to shoot my husband). I changed my number and refused to take his calls. I am raising his two oldest children, so I did agree to weekly visits at a local McDonalds, PROVIDED he was straight. Sometimes he showed up, sometimes he didn't, but I was always there with the kids. I changed my number and we really didn't have much contact for a long, long time other than visits with the children.
He knew my boundaries, which were basically I would talk to him and meet for him to see the kids if he was not using while we were talking or visiting. It took a while – at first he would harass me for money for meds, cigarettes, whatever, during visits with the children. I had to take the children and leave for the first few visits… Eventually he got it – he knew I meant what I was saying and I would stick to my boundaries. For the first time ever, I finally felt like he was respecting me. It was a great feeling! Gradually, I guess I had convinced myself that he was a "functional addict" – that as long as he respected my boundaries, then I could maintain a relationship with my son, despite his addiction. This was okay for me, how could I possibly cut my son out of my life entirely? I just couldn't do it!
So this has been our life for the past few years…
About 18 months ago he met a new girlfriend, and she lived over an hour away. So, it was very rare that I saw him. I knew he was using – duh! But, as long as he kept that away from me, his children, the rest of my family, and MY house – I had accepted it. And him being so far away certainly helped!
So, why am I here? On Aug 9th, my son showed up at my door. Him and the girlfriend had had a big fight, she was in jail, and he begged me for help. Said he was done with drugs – he was FINALLY ready to seek help – long term, residential. My son has NEVER, EVER even been willing to entertain rehab, much less a long term residential program. I allowed myself to be fooled by his tears and empty promises. I saw this teeny, tiny flicker of light at the end of a very dark tunnel – and I said to myself, I have to help him. He had told me that was back on his bipolar meds (had not taken them for years!) and that to me meant he was serious about making a change. That he was willing to go back on his meds was a HUGE step in my eyes. He is finally asking for help, how can I not???
Well … by Thursday afternoon, I had discovered that by "bipolar meds" he really meant anti-anxiety meds. He had recently told me he found out he was HIV positive – and he had gone to his Dr and told him the same thing, so the Dr gave him Klonapin. I realized VERY quickly that I had made a huge, huge mistake. I also realized that my earlier boundaries would no longer be sufficient. I decided then that I was going to have to get him out of here and come up with a new boundary. I told him on Saturday, Aug 10th, that he would have to leave. That he would not be welcome here until he sought rehab and recovery.
I knew that I was going to need some SERIOUS support in order to stick to that boundary. The last week has been HELL, pure HELL. There are probably not enough characters allowed here for me to type it all, and I honestly don't have the energy to rehash it all. And I know those who have been listening to me in the chat room, certainly don't want to have to hear it all YET AGAIN! 🙂
Anyway … I do not think I could have made it through the last week without this group. God brought me here for a reason! In a very short time, I have learned that I, too, have to work a program. Not for my son, but for myself. I am on MY journey, a journey of peace and acceptance. A journey that I know will take a lot of work and effort on my part – but one that I now know is possible with the right tools. The folks I have met in this chat room have given me a life line, and they have given me HOPE! You will not find a more supportive group of people – they are filled with love, understanding, support and most importantly – no judgement.
So … that is my story! If you have made it this far, then you deserve a gold star for patience! LOL Thank you for listening.
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