I just want to say thank you to anyone who reads this. My name is Brianna, and the father of my kids is the addict in my life. He was clean for 4 years when we had met. Meth was always his drug of choice. Long story short, 3 1/2 years later and two kids later he had started using meth again, which I didn’t know about. I had moved back home 3 hours away in September of 2019 and he essentially moved to the streets. We tried a few times to fix things, which is when I had learned he was actually using again. At first he would call and message me regularly, even if just to fight with me. 8 months later I never hear from him at all anymore. I feel like he has progressed down that path now that nothing else matters to him. About a week ago my daughter swallowed a one inch screw which he heard about through mutual friend. Not once did he call to see how she was doing. I really struggled with that because I truly want to believe that he cares about his kids. Every day I struggle with a child who wonders where her dad is. And every day I hope that he gets arrested. I know he is hurting, at least I think he is. He had told me that the drugs made him forget about his pain. But it’s not fair to me or to the kids that our pain exists too from what he is doing. I know that if he was sober we could fix things. There is a part of me that can’t move on because I truly do believe that. There’s a part of me that hates him so much for leaving me to raise two toddlers by myself. I wish I could make him see the damage that he is causing. I’ve been talking to a staff psychologist that is provided to employees at my work. He told me in regards to my kids dad, that his heart still cares, but his mind has taken over. I’m so tired of feeling so helpless. I don’t necessarily want him to go to prison, but I feel like that it the only thing that may help him. Most days I do ok, but the pain is always there.
Hi Brianna,Your story is heartbreaking… I am so sorry for you and your family. I am new here and this is my first chat. I am here because my son is a heroin/meth addict. I feel like I am going insane and I cannot understand the lack of logic these addict display, giving up their wives, kids, moms and dads. It is so hurtful and when you have tried everything like most of us, I guess we end up here. God Bless us all and the addicts we love and long to have healed.
Bob
Brianna I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Know that you are not alone. My son is a heroin addict, and he has chosen drugs over his family. He’s OD’d twice and he’s 30 years old, and been an addict for at least 12 years. I’m finding the chat meetings very helpful. Try it! Best wishes to you.
Hi Brianna,
My fiance is a heroin addict, so I can relate. At first I didn’t know he was using either, but I also knew that he had done so in the past. I didn’t understand enough about addiction to know how real the risk of relapse is. Actually, I’m not sure he’s actually relapsing. I think he might have just been using less in the past. Last night is the first time I feel like I’ve been able to tell that there was something wrong with him. We were together at his parent’s house, and he disappeared for a few minutes, supposedly to go borrow a tool. Borrow he did, but I think he also borrowed some cocaine or something that made him tense and weirdly distant. He’s still not right this morning. He could tell I was upset, but he can’t bring himself to acknowledge that I know he’s using. I know all of his money from his last paycheck is already gone, because he’s telling the same story about it that he has been telling for the two weeks prior. I’ve seen the check stubs. I know he was paid. I saw him hide what he claims was a lit cigarette in his hand when I surprised him leaning over the consol of his car, clearly inhaling something in a way that looks nothing like it does when he smokes a regular cigarette. He saw me before he moved his hand. He palmed whatever he was holding. I watched his hands instead of his eyes. I saw him. And I did that because at first I WAS looking at his eyes, and I saw that look of frightened surprise. He looked up twice, startled. Nothing fell out of his mouth. It was still in his hand. Maybe he did drop his pipe, idk. But that wasn’t a cigarette he was smoking.
I’m trying to learn how he looks and acts when he’s high. It’s VERY hard to tell a difference unless you know exactly what to look for. He’s using just to feel normal. He’s told me he’s not interested in quitting, he tells me he’s done forever, that he’s sober right now. I believe that first part. He’s told me that if I don’t like it, I can leave. He knows that I have nowhere else to go, and that because of his addiction, I can’t afford to get anything by myself. I don’t like it but I can’t leave. He interprets that as acceptance, and leaves his paraphenallia mess all over everything. The house, the car. He drops ashes, beverages and food all over, in our bed, expects me to sleep in it, to clean it up. He genuinely doesn’t mind. He doesn’t even wash his face or brush his teeth in the morning. He doesn’t care when I let him know he has something on his face. I think he must hate me to treat me this way. He claims he loves me with all of his heart. I believe he believes that, and that the tiny, hidden part of him that is still human probably does. If I’m honest, sometimes I’m afraid of him. Not physically so much as being screamed at. I fear his anger, and his rejection. It still hurts, just like we were in a regular relationship. We still have all the same problems a normal couple has. We just have…extra.
Sorry that was just a whole post in itself. I never use this stuff but it looks like I needed to get something off my chest. Thank you to anyone who may have taken the time to read this (or skip to the bottom 🙂 ).
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