It has been MANY years since I have been on here – if this is even still the same site…. My 28yr old AD was a heroin addict for 6 years and this past May 29th was her 6 year CLEAN anniversary – she has a beautiful 5 year old daughter, is in a decent marriage, is about to graduate college and has already landed her dream job and doing freelance on the side. Life has been GOOD. She has always had dramatic, emotional breakdowns about twice a year (usually stemmed by contact with her birth mother) but has seemed to be doing really good lately. THEN yesterday we had her family Birthday Dinner planned – and for weeks I have said "PLEASE do not be late" because she already requested a later dinner than usual and she is famous for being 15-45min + late to everything. We were walking out the door to go meet them & I get a phone call from her asking if we could meet at 7:30 instead, saying she had a "really horrible day, was late to work b/c she woke up with a horrible migraine, blah, blah, blah" (which she DOES get) but she called at 6:15 & we were meeting downtown at 7 – she blew up at me because I was frustrated but I/we all just get very tired of her being late to everything – ESPECIALLY after 3 weeks of saying please do NOT be late AND that she waited until THEN to call. After all of her ranting and my just wanting to END that irrational conversation, We agreed to meet her at the later time – the time was not the point, although we disagree with the schedule she has our granddaughter on – but that's her business – it just was way too late to have her eating dinner and out on a school night. We didn't get done with dinner until almost 10 because she was another 15 minutes late from the new time.
Her behavior is why I am here…. I KNOW that when she has bad migraines that she is not herself and is kind of "odd" for a while and is not in a good mood for a day or 2 after the bad ones BUT her behavior last night FELT completely different – her mood "swung" drastically, very erratic, there was very little communication but a lot of "noise" and the topics were scattered and never finished, she was very dramatic with her motions and emotions, then made a big deal at the table to make sure everyone KNEW she was looking for Ibuprofen, it felt like she was being very fake/acting with her affection towards us – overly dramatic with the hugs – at one point she came & sat by me for about 5 minutes and rubbed MY back the whole time, like she was comforting me, she would just gaze off and not hear anything anyone said to hear at some points, she would get really loud then really quiet, then really loud, she was extra sloppy with her food (not that she has EVER had the best table manners)…the whole thing was bizarre and uncomfortable for everyone. Even this morning looking back it seems so surreal – it was almost very "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas-ish" – I almost wish I had a video of the night to review.
When we got home my husband & I both agreed that it seemed very much like the behavior that she had the next to the last Christmas before she got clean but we try not to over react and said "it's hers to own, not ours" – and we went to bed pretty relaxed. All night I had horrible dreams that were more like flashbacks of the 6 years of HELL that we had been through before and all morning looking back on the night, I am more convinced than ever that she was on something or coming off of something. In the 6 years since her recovery started I have NEVER – NOT ONE TIME – had such a deep GUT feeling that something is "wrong" – I have had moments of doubt or immediate panic but NOTHING LIKE THIS. If I could have found a F2F meeting this morning, I would have left work to go to a meeting but there isn't a meeting near me until Thursday night, so here I am reaching out for advice, strength, hope, serenity!
We do not see her very often as she lives across town and is busy with work, college, a 5 year old & her school/activities, life, etc…so it's not that I can see her in a few days to see how her behavior is. At the same time, I do not want to OVER react and create something out of nothing by saying anything to her about it. So I wanted to come here to vent and see what feedback I could get.
I am so torn and it has been so extremely hard having these strong feelings rushing back after so long.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for letting me share. XO
Hello Amy,
It is nice to have a place to come to for support. I can relate to your fears and they can be very overwhelming. But remember the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, You can't Cure it, You can't Control it. My advice is take a deep breath, realize it is her life and her decisions (things you don't have control over). I know you want all the answers, but I encourage you to come into the chat room. There is usually someone there most every night (even without a scheduled meeting). You will find the support you need to find peace and serenity again. You are not alone. There is plenty of hope. We look forward to knowing you.
Scott
Hi Amy,
Welcome back! We are here to support you. I can really relate to those feelings of fear and uncertainty. It is too easy to get caught up in our addicted loved oneâs (ALO) life and relive the turmoil that brought us to Nar-Anon in the first place. The memories of past experience can easily send me into a spiral but if I [b]force myself to stay in the present [/b]Iâm okay. If not, I end up riding that emotional rollercoaster of âwhat ifs.â
Although gut feelings can be very strong, it doesnât mean that what I perceive is really the truth. Regardless of what is true the outcome is out of my hands. Since neither of the addicted loved ones in my life have found sobriety Iâve learned to embrace the good moments and not dwell on the things I have no control over. This is not to say it doesnât make me sadâ¦..I just know they are human beings with a right to make their own choices in life, even if I hate those choices. If those choices have a direct negative impact on my life I tell them how I feel, very matter of fact, without âreactingâ to their drama. Then, itâs up to me to maintain my boundaries (a whole other story :P). None of this is easy. It has taken a long time to get to this point. But, the members of this group and working the Twelve Steps have gotten me here, one baby step at a time.
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Iâm so glad u chose to come back here for support. Please consider joining us for a meeting or to chat any nite in the chat room. Hope to meet you soon.
Yours in service and friendship,
Annie
Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.
Thank you all so very much! I knew immediately where I needed to come, even after so long. I have been reading a lot of posts and a lot of my old books – just to get my emotions in check. I have avoided her calls all week – she has definitely been trying to call, text and FB me MUCH MORE than usual, so to me it seems like she is "testing the water", knowing she screwed up….but since I didn't have control over my emotions yet, I didn't want to speak with her and let it get out of control. So my plan is to attend a chat session or 2 and then get in touch with her next week & ask her to meet me for dinner – because either way, I think she should KNOW what I have been concerned about. If she gets out of line, I will walk away. That's my plan anyway but each day I am feeling stronger with where I stand on it so I pray I will stay strong face to face. It's just so hard even thinking this way after sooooo long! BUT Nar-Anon saved MY LIFE and my marriage when she was an active addict back then, so I thank you all once again for being such a fabulous "HOME" for us all!
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