Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi everyone, I'm new here, I hope I did this 'post' correctly. Not entirely sure where to start so I guess I will start from the beginning. Sorry if this gets long, my mom and his mom know most of what I have been dealing with but I feel like this is the only place where I can go from start to finish. Just let it all out there.

I guess the beginning is roughly 8 years ago when we first met. I got off late, after midnight, and decided to turn around and go to Taco Bell before going home. I had just been having a discussion with myself that I would focus on myself and not worry about boyfriends. I was fresh out of high school and never even had a boyfriend. So there I am in the drive thru and low and behold the cutie taking my order asks for my number. Of course I give it to him and there starts a whirlwind first love romance. We were together for a couple years and then things started going bad. My family didn't like him, he and his mom never got along. It was us against the world. He ended up living in this drug house where I moved to for all of 1 week. I'll leave the details of my short stay out. And not long after he left me for someone else.

Fast forward to last year, after some spotty contact in between there, he calls me from a drug rehab. He says he's been there 8 months, clean and sober. He is calling me to make amends, hence the step 9 in my username, plus the days of our birth. Me being as naive as I am ask why he needs to call me and make amends. Drugs didn't do anything to us, cheating did. Little did I know the other woman he left me for many years ago got him hooked on meth. The allure of her and the drugs are what made him leave. Now, I know using is a personal choice but I do blame her for even getting him started. I should have known living in that house though. Anyways; he gives me the address to the rehab and we begin writing letters back and forth. Finally the rehab allows him a phone and we text non stop.

Fast forward a few months to around Thanksgiving & Christmas 2018. He ends up relapsing and the rehab does not allow him to come back. Instead they get him a bed at a 24 hour drug rehab place. He's taking the bus to and from his job, going to meetings again. I come and visit and we hang out. I can tell he doesn't like it there. So I offer him a bed. He moves in around Christmas and we start dating. This is where the real story begins. He gets a job he had in the past, swore to me it was good for him and his sobriety. I drive him to and from his first job he take the bus to the second gets off at 1 am and we do it all again the next day. Very tiresome.

Then he starts relapsing again and now the relapsing has turned into using. So, I set a few conditions up. He quit the job where he was able to use so much. We have less stress but still didn't go to meetings like I said. A condition on staying was 30 days of meetings and a minimum of 3 days a week. And while I feel like that is my fault I know deep down it's not. If he wanted to go and get better he would ask. I know that, but you can't help but try and do everything for them. I guess that's where the letting go with love part comes in? I still don't completely understand it. I feel like it's giving up on them, I don't want to give up on him or us. I know he's done a lot to me and I know I probably deserve more but I have always loved him and the person he was when we first met. I know the kind of person he can be without the drugs.

But here I am the day before my 27th birthday and I can't stop crying. He didn't come home last night (Friday night) and he finally did after he went out and used. I came home and had a headache and didn't really know what to say to him so I went to bed. I woke up and he was gone again. After texting him he took me not talking to him too personally and he left. He is out using and I don't know if I will ever see him again. He told me last time that he was scared that the next time would be his last and those words haunt me every time he disappears. Not to mention he has to see his probation officer on Monday and he has already failed 2 drug tests. I fear that if he gets tested again, a test in which he will definitely fail, she will make him go to jail and he will be a felon. It's going to ruin his life. I also feel that if that happens though it would be some sense of relief for me. I wouldn't have to worry about him necessarily.

If you've made it this far I really appreciate you reading this. I needed to get this off my chest.

-Meagan