I've just found out that my son is back on heroin after years being clean….. he never did meetings, nor followed the steps, so for me he has not been in recovery, he's just not been using…. So here we go again… he's 42 and going in circles… I've been doing step work myself and my reaction has changed from previously when he was up to his eyes in heroin, and was so close to being put away for ten years for possession…. I just feel numb….. plus I'm angry…. I'm not rushing to spend everything I have again on rehab… on trying to "fix" him. I CAN'T FIX HIM. But I'm sad, very sad. I gave him up for adoption when he was born.. but we found each other 27 years later – so part of me is riddled with guilt … Not matter how many times I tell myself its not "my fault"…. at times this this, its hard resist the urge to blame myself. I know that gets me nowhere, nor does worrying myself sick… I hand him over to my higher power everyday… "thy will be done not mine"…. and I pray for guidance… I'm finding it difficult .. but I'm all out of ideas and I have to say.. energy!
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