Nar-Anon Chat™

I now understand I belong here. It has been a stormy road and I have been a perfect enabler so I qualify. I'v been sober for over 30 years and use the tools from AA in my daily life, yet when it comes to your child either truly a child or an adult-child my life just sort of took a turn for the worst; way way back. I have a serious illness that requires me to take narcotics for pain; have been doing so for 20 some years. I exercise rigorist control in what I take and why I take it. I take it daily yet every single time I take even one pill I ask myself honestly if I truly need to take it. Does the amount of pain I'm in require me to take it in order to have some quality of life? I am in constant contact with my doctors and view taking these medications as serious and necessary. When my illnesses' pain subsides a bit I automatically reduce the amount of pain pills I have been prescribed. This is important information only to deliver my personal eloquent story about my 36 year old daughter and myself.
My daughter started having severe daily migraines at least 10 years ago. They were severe and being in the Kiaser system was bounced from one educated headache helper to another only to be told there was nothing they could do for her. At that time she was in so much pain 24/7. At least 3 years went on with her seeing everyone we could possibly find in that system. She tried to hold on to her job but the migraines were relentless and the supervisors unsympathetic. She lost her job and then immediately went out and found another one. She had to let that one go also. Probably 5 jobs over that 3+ year period lost due to migraines. I was in hell. My daughter even tried marijuana; I tried it with her. Unfortunately neither of us found the drug acceptable for pain. Finally after watching her walk through day after day, year after year in this migraine haze of pain, I gave her one of my Vicodin and it worked! Hallelujah! So, we found something that would give her some precious relief and tried to locate a physician who would prescribe this medication or something similar to her for the migraine pain. Other medications were suggested, names of which I don't remember but meds used for other illnesses. Unfortunately, daughter has a body that deals with serious depression and anxiety. She is being treated for this. The medications suggested come with serious side-effects; either causing anxiety or mostly depression. She has tried them all and after living with depression on and off for years and anxiety also will not try them again.
I started giving her my pain medication, lying to my doctors for the first time, and my daughter for the first time in years lived relatively pain free. About 4 years ago she was diagnosed with a severe case of Fibromyalgia. It seems this illness begets the migraines. She has worked with physicians in regard to the migraines, botox, Vicodin, Norco, methadone, and other meds have been prescribed. She uses these meds carelessly and with complete disregard to how they've been prescribed. At least 5 years have rolled by and our lives are a living hell. Her need has increased of course, rage started pouring out of her directed at me, pleas and promises broken, stealing my medications, me accepting blame for every difficulty in her life. You, I'm certain have heard this all. This year her father and I made a decision; enough! She was taking much more medication and we knew it was no longer just for the migraines. I've stopped giving her my medication. I helped her withdraw from them and it's over. But NOW the real work begins. ME!
My life is a shambles. Her father and I are worn out. And I feel such guilt over what I have done and I can hardly handle it. These illnesses (SLE and fibro)that I have have taken a back seat in my life. I don't take care of myself; never really learned how to. I am 62 years old and these last 20 years I have taken care of one extended family member after another including my daughter. Not me. I honestly DO NOT know how to. Yes, I am a classic enabler. Raised by a narcissistic mother who knew how to teach me to take care of her and my siblings even as adults.
I am married to a good man and father. Believe it or not both of us spent many years in Alanon having been raised by alcoholic parents and then my recovery. Our daughter comes by this honestly. There is so much alcoholism and drug addiction in both sides of her extended families.
I need to stop. I'm worn out. I have not ever written a time line about this situation and I am honestly in way over my head. I know that clicking your submit button with force me to accept I have a problem that maybe, just maybe I can work my way through. I do not enjoy living life this way. Happiness and joy is so fleeting in my life and I do know I can change this. Our daughter will either choose to get help or not. That is her decision to make. I choose help. I'm ready to begin.