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Hello there, I call myself Jade, because I have become a completely jaded soul, no longer enthused by the majority of things in life. I am currently feeling like no matter what I do, life is shitty and I have to constantly learn how to "deal." I have a boyfriend of 7 years, 8 years in March. Our relationship began tumultuous from the very beginning; mostly because he drank heavy. In retrospect, we were both very dependent, desperately looking for someone to love. I've realized a lot of things in our relationship, ever since his addiction(s) have come to light. A lot of his behaviors i couldn't explain before, now make sense all of a sudden. I believe now that he is a narcissist, and was gas-lighting me at the beginning. He used to be over possessive and jealous. He took a girl who was independent, outspoken and bright and has completely dimmed me. I found out about his addiction about a year ago,but back then he dressed it up as it was only one time. Within the past 6 months, his addiction has become apparent and has gradually gotten worse. He went from a healthy, strong, hard-working man, to someone who stays out all night and missing work and family functions due to his addiction. For someone who has never dealt with addiction in this aspect, this whole ordeal is extremely overwhelming. I just got a job 1 month ago and feel completely drained. Im making simple mistakes and cannot fully engage at work because my mind has never been with the job ever since i began. All of my thoughts and emotions are about/for him. He completely consumes my everyday life and I cannot take it. I finally convinced him, no, guilted him, into going into rehab, and just spoke with the counselor today. He's saying that he doesn't want to stay. He believes that he can get better on his own. I had a whole 24 hours of peace, more like relief because i desperately needed a break from him, and now its a possibility that he may come back. I find it difficult to "shake" someone out of my life after 7-8 years, that and he wont let go. And i feel like if i push, it would push him over the edge. I am completely lost, i feel like anything I do leads to more drama and more headaches, and I just want to begin living my life! Ive lived with my parents all of my life and had only lived away for the past 2 years (because i pushed to move- my bf didnt want to). Now im living back with my parents…and bf (because he told me he didnt want to renew the lease during one of his mood swing/binge/detox episodes). To be honest, i knew moving back in with my parents was the only way i could execute my "escape plan" by saving and because i knew the relationship was going down hill, i didn't want to end up on the street or with a drug addict. He tries to blame me for everything; he says he only started using more because of me, but i honestly believe he has been doing that way before he met me. He doesnt go to any family functions with me, or to events to share my friends' milestones. He never went to my graduation, or honors ceremony. I was reluctant to continue studying abroad, explore new things or even make new friends because of him. We dont have children, nor are we married. So i wonder all the time, what am i holding on to? I know he sniffs coke, but I think he recently started smoking it. He is also a sex addict. I also think he has some sort of OCD or PSTD from previous years in jail. My relationship/life is an onion of problems.
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