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Hello I am new here but hoping to get help..
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3 Posts
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March 23, 2014 - 12:28 pm

Hello my name is LenaP and I have been married for 2 years this April. I found out that my husband was smoking crack cocaine the week of our wedding….I lived with this wonderful man two years before we married and I thought I knew him…very attentive, loving, and I fell in love with him. But everything changed after we were married…he started staying out all night and come back home after being out all night like nothing…this started the endless nightmare and he became a person that I did not know – moved into our nice happy home……I will fast forward to today. I just can't take it anymore..I have been a supportive wife, but now I am learning I have been an enabler, and I decided to tell him to leave and I wanted a divorce because of all the hurt, lies and total heartbreak,,,We are an older couple….and should be enjoying each other…come to find out before he met me he had been clean for ten years and he said h never took cocaine until the week before our wedding. All of our children are grown, thank God…But I do not have friends…my best friend past away in August from cancer….I am so lost now. So hopefully I can get better insight from you that have been through this. We lost our home, I was homeless, He was on the streets not careing about me…Thank God I got myself together and got an apartment a year ago…but he smooth talked me by telling me lies to come back. I let him thinking he was telling the truth about quitting. He is a master of deception. I love my husband with all my heart but this is not the man I lived with up until the week of our marriage. I have supported him in 3 rehab sessions to no avail…he went back…been to jail two times and that was not a wake up call for him….Help! I feel like I am sinking in a hole that I can not get out of….I love my "old" husband so much……but will he ever come back????

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57 Posts
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March 24, 2014 - 3:01 pm

Lena, welcome!

You are not alone. In recovery we say there are no strangers in Nar-Anon only friends we haven’t met yet. 🙂

After years of “wanting” to believe my addicted loved ones when they said they were clean (or what they said about most anything) I finally accepted that words are nothing without action. Unknowingly I set a boundary for myself – don’t tell me, SHOW me. Addicts will promise and say things with the best of intentions(most of the time). But expecting them to follow through has set us each up for great disappointment. So I’ve had to make it clear that I need to see changes (behavior) before I’ll accept it to be true. For me, it’s been the only way to keep from having my heart broken and my hopes crushed. It’s been a hard boundary to maintain but necessary to maintain a certain level of peace. I don’t know if it is actually possible to maintain a relationship with an active user without some concern, disappointment or tears due to factors beyond my control, but it is up to me to change the things I can. One of the differences between the addicted loved ones in my life and me is I choose to live life on life’s terms even when it means making tough decisions that I don’t necessarily want to happen.

The people I love are still there buried by their addictions. Maybe their old selves are still there somewhere but we are all different people today then we were 10+ years ago. Things will never be the “way they were,” [i]we[/i] will never be the same people we once were. I have hope though that each of us will become better, stronger and more loving human beings than we were.

I’m glad you reached out to our Nar-Anon community. Hope you will join us in the chat room for meetings and/or fellowship.

Yours in service and friendship,
Annie

Never look down on someone unless you're leaning over to help them up.

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3 Posts
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March 27, 2014 - 2:05 am

Thank you so much for your words of truth…I so need to be here in this community….I thought I was all alone and going crazy…..Thank You again……. I have to learn how to move forward because my husband is not the same person I married and fell in love with. This part is so hard for me but with the knowledge and experience I hope to fnd here it will become a little easier……Thank you again

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