Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi. My daughter – 26 y.o. is a recovering addict. She is almost at 9 months clean. She abused heroin and lots of other drugs since she was 16. I sent her to a couple rehabs, nothing worked UNTIL I obtained temporary custody of her daughter. I've had custody of my grandchild since last November.

So, I've had anxiety issues for the last few years because of all the drama and went to a psychologist for help. It really did help and I was discharged a couple years ago BEFORE my daughter got clean.

I knew what to do before she got clean, with help. I got tough and stopped enabling her. I even threw her out a few times; hard to do.

So that brings me to now. My daughter thinks she is the best mother in the world and HATES me because I won't consent to give her custody back. My granddaughter is almost two. My daughter lives with me. She is working and goes to meetings. However:
(a) she only pays $40 a week as "rent" and resents it.
(b) she does not pay for childcare, I do – I work full-time.
(c) she does not pay for most of the child's expenses, I do.
(d) she is constantly on her phone
(e) she yells at the baby a lot
(f) her room is a toddler nightmare and she will not babyproof, hence she is always yelling at her when in her room
(g) she is not safety conscious enough
(h) she goes to a lot of meetings or running errands and since she can't have unsupervised visits with child, it's my fault that i'm always taking care of baby myself.

When I say something about, please don't smoke near the baby, please put down your phone and pay attention to her, she gets mad and so I get madder because I feel like it is my job to protect this child from her. Oh, the father just got out of jail again. He is a nightmare. He pays nothing for support. He hides from the paternity action I filed against him to get some child support. My daughter actually was going to revive her relationship with him a few months ago, and that scares me because she was clean and he was conning her into thinking he was.

So, anyway, now that she is clean, it's like the nightmare is beginning again. My anxiety is getting bad again. I still can't believe her about everything. She spends her money haphazardly and has no budget. She has no patience. I'm always taking care of my grandchild, but somehow, magically, all this is going to change once she has custody. She says I am not supportive, and I am, but then again, I'm not because I have to protect my grandchild. I'm not going to say how wonderful she is doing, because in my opinion she isn't. I do point out things she needs to improve and she gets mad and says I pick on her. If she gets custody, she will continue to live here, almost for free, and I'll be sick with worry about what she is doing with Kylee.

I feel so at odds. I want to support her, but it's hard because I get so angry about how she is not a good mother, but honestly thinks she is, not to mention that I still can't trust her. Sometimes I wish she would just go away and forget about me and the baby. I have a hard time showing her affection; because of all the past manipulation, I don't believe her.

Anyone else in this sort of situation? Advice?