Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi,

My partner of 8 years who I know loves me as I do him, has been alcohol free for 6 months but is now using cannabis and I recently found some speed which I disposed of. He also had a father who was an alcoholic and died when he was 50. They are maori. I am Aboriginal descent. My partner also has undiagnosed mental health issues such as severe depression and I have noticed that his bouts are getting much deeper and he recently admitted to me as he is in one now, that he cannot snap out of it. On the weekend we had a huge fight and we don't fight that much now since he gave up drinking. He knows I don't like drugs as I am a counsellor. He is a musician and a brick layer. he is high functioning.

He has since apologised and I don't condone his behaviour. He is usually very good but at this current time he is in a deep depression and wont get help. He apologised to me by text message and told me he cant snap out of it so I gave him two numbers for support lines.

Its so hard to sit by and watch him suffer and not get the help he needs. He seems to only find happiness in his music but when he is not working or playing he lays on the lounge in his depression. He has now lost both his parents young and I don't think he has ever fully grieved.

Whilst I'm happy he gave up drinking, he is a dry drunk, I'm not happy he uses pot and now I'm worried about how much speed he uses on a weekend when he is with his music friends.

He is not violent to me, but he can become quite sarcastic. I sometimes have trouble as I get so frustrated I tell him then it just leads to a fight. I feel very alone and its hard to reach out as people don't understand and just say leave him. Its not that simple as we have a lot of debt and two dogs and live in a rental on a lease, I have no money to move and we both do love each other. When he is clean and sober and not in his depression he is good.

I'm here to seek out people who understand and will support me not tell me leave him. At the moment the house is quiet though he didn't go to work today and is lying on the couch, I am on a late shift so I can escape.

I have decided to leave him alone and just do what I need to do. At times I feel ashamed as I'm a professional counsellor in a rehab. Yet here I am living it at home as well. I don't use and never will, I hate drugs as I see what they do to families and I know he is not using speed during the week, I think this is a new thing when he goes out with his music friends.

He does give me money weekly to help with the bills, none of his friends visit, in the past when he was drinking he would blame his moods on me so his friends I think tolerate me and feel sorry for him. Since he gave up drinking he seems to do this less. Yet I feel they encourage his use of pot by getting it for him. I cant talk to them as my partner would crack up if he knew. They would probably tell him anyway. They don't see him in his home where he can be himself, I don't think they know how deep his depression is as I don't think he talks about it.

I know it has to be up to him to get help but its so hard watching him do this to himself. I get so frustrated with him as I care so much about him.