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Hi my addict is my partner.
we have been together 9months. And what a whirlwind it has been. It has been a pretty perfect relationship until the lies, dishonesty and cocaine came into it. I knew my partner had been addicted to cocaine 7years ago but had been to CA and overcome this. I only knew this from another source she never told me herself until I confronted her. I was naive to think that's history it will never effect my life or our life together….
She started again 4months ago. Not admitting it to me for a long time. Feeling insane and crazy I had I ordered drugs test surface wipes of the internet to save my own sanity!! On doing the tests my fears became reality! When confronted she still denied until finally admitting but it was only once, it's not bad, I can stop the statements I have become to hear on a weekly basis.
Lies and the drug use have become everyday life now even though she doesn't admit this I know different and have consumed my brain I try to help myself but I find myself checking her pockets as soon as she leaves the room. Wiping surfaces with the drug tests. Trying to catch her out. Constantly on the internet researching 'cocaine' I can't help myself it's completey absorbed me like I have become addicted to her addiction! I want to stop I just can't! I talk about it constantly and accuse her constantly in which she tells me you are not helping me you are just making my addiction worse constantly talking about it. Is this true? Or a way of getting me to enable her?
We have split up so many times in the past few months but find myself back with her everytime. It's like I can't keep away from her there something about her even though she lying to me treating me like an idiot I just can't go?! Then I think everytime we get back together does she think I'm enabling or am I enabling her addiction?
It's just one big mess at the moment I feel I don't know what to say or do anymore and I feel very hurt and helpless to be honest.
Anyone out there who can relate and maybe someone to just talk to about it all
Elmm16
You are making yourself crazy. You already know she is using. You know the signs and when you hear denials, it only makes you doubt yourself. Stop doing the tests. Stop looking in pockets. Let go and let God. The first hundred times I heard that phrase I didn't get it. How is it possible to let go when there is so much hurt inside and confusion and the need to prove that I knew I was right…my significant other was using. Eventually I learned there was nothing I could do to change their behavior. The only thing I could do was change mine…and in doing so, ended up saving my sanity. It's not easy and I still struggle every day because I still live with an addict. Some days it seems like I am chanting the serenity prayer every 5 minutes. But it helps. We can't change them. We can only change ourselves. We can't fix them. They can only fix themselves. If you can find a meeting, please go. If nothing else, you will walk out feeling better about yourself. Best of luck!
Thanks e Marie. There is no meetings near me but I really want to attend one! I do need to stop and I am making myself crazy it's true! Like only last night I called her and she should have been home but told me she was going to a meeting straight away I snapped. She could of very well been going to a meeting but also very well been going to get her fix.. all the lies have made me distrust completely. I know she can't help it though. I also have read about they have to hit 'rock bottom' before they will get help im worried as long as I'm here and give her a place to live she will never hit rock bottom….
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