Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi,
My name is Nicole and my husband is a recovering heroin addict. We have been married for four years but together for almost 10 years. He used for about 2.5-3 years and prior to that, had an oxy prescription from a neck surgery. For the most part, he has always used some substance in excess for a period of time but heroin was the worst. He entered an intensive outpatient treatment program in January of this year and has been clean of heroin ever since.
Things were going very well for seven months and I think we were very much in the honeymoon phase of recovery. Unfortunately, in the last few months, he has turned to drinking. Not drinking every day but binge drinking once a month and getting completely smashed. Alcohol is the other substance I would say he’s had past problems with. He began drinking at a young age (14), drank heavily for 2-3 years in high school, and then just stopped. I didn’t know him at that time so I couldn’t tell you what made him stop. Anyway, when my husband is drunk it’s a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is the calmest, sweetest person sober but a complete jerk when he’s drunk. He’s self-loathing, mean and runs away.
His addict behaviors are popping up and although I’m confident that he’s no longer using heroin, I’m still at my wits end. We have a baby on the way, conceived during our honeymoon recovery phase, and I fear that the stress of this baby will break him. I always make a point to tell him how proud I am of him for not using heroin. A relapse now could be the death of him. But, I think he has not learned how to cope with stress and is reverting back to an old tool.
He’s currently in after care and yesterday his counselor gave him an ultimatum – stop drinking, go to three meetings a week, make four contacts a week or leave the program. I am so scared that he’ll decide to leave. I have no idea what consequences I’m prepared to put in place if he leaves after care because I know he loves me. I’ve always known that and I know he’ll be a great father but we can’t continue to sweep things under the rug. He runs from conflict and it’s time for him to face his fears head on. Things will be great for a short or extended period of time but when they’re bad, they’re awful.
I am not prepared to give up on him but I feel like he’s giving up on himself. I’m currently giving him the space to process his aftercare decision but I’m struggling to decide what boundaries I need to put up if he decides to quit aftercare. There are not many Nar Anon meetings in my city, only three a week, and none of them work with my schedule. I’m hoping this online community will help and the online meetings are something I can work into my schedule.
Any advice or kind words are welcome! I don’t think I was able to cover it all so I’m happy to share more insight.