Nar-Anon Chat™

Hi Everyone~
I am Jodi, 58 yr old married woman. My husband, Bob (62 yrs old), is an addict. Pain pills, benzos….all scripts. We have been married, it will be 19 yrs on Dec. 22 2018. This is my 3rd marriage and i just can't make a marriage work, it seems. I am a chronic enabler and co-dependent. I want his love so bad that I have created sick habits to get love…but that is the joke: I never have have received love from Bob and I don't know how or what real love really looks like. It sure isnt what I have endured since i met him, September 1998. He sure was the charmer….4 years older than me, treated me like a lady (opening doors for me etc)….you know, the old fashioned stuff that I have always admired. I thought I had hit the jackpot, he chose ME!?!? He was on pills then, benzos….pain pills. I met him off of a local online chatroom. Well, we all decided to meet in person at a restaurant and I was so excited to meet the people i had been chatting with from there. I was married but got pulled in to online addiction fast right after i got my first computer in January 1998. I dealt with a sex addiction…have been clean since 1998. Now, i struggle with a porn addiction…but have been clean for 1 yr. I also deal with food issues…not sure if you would call it an addiction…because i seem to be in control, but when crap happens I feel the pull to numb out with food. I am 30 lbs overweight…and am actively working to get that weight off…been trying to get it off since 2012. Bob is just flat out mean; an emotional abuser. He doesnt get physical, but i can and have slapped him when we are drinking (stopped drinking 2 months clean now). Bob is a mean drunk. And when he starts he wont stop…and this can go on for hours. But alcohol isnt his drug of choice. He loves the pills and marijuana. This is the first time that I have stood up to Bob about the way he treats me. I told him that he is an emotional abuser….and that I joined this support site. He isnt happy with me. I know this is what i need to do because I need to get myself healthy…because i deal with sick habits/behaviors and they have me locked up in a prison in my own home. I cry a lot, everyday over the situation i am in. I am disabled, but receive no SSDI benefits after 2 appeals. I am going to try again…i deserve to win my case. Anyway…I am homebound, I dont have a job (since 2013), and have no income of my own. All the money / healthcare is all provided by my husband. This is why I stay, mostly. I have nowhere to go and I just can't pick up the phone and try to get into a shelter. I have been advised to call someone because the emotional abuse is so bad…so bad that i feel that i have had numerous breakdowns throughout the marriage. This last argument (yesterday)…seems to have pushed me over the edge and i cant snap out of it. Bob says i need to get over things…that i am too emotional. HA! I try to have an adult discussion…to try to convey what is going on but he escalates fast. He is a rage-a-holic…..like my dad, actually. We are both Christians and what hurts the most is that Bob uses the bible & God to hurt me and have power over me. Myself, i keep it 100%….not a religious person, but i do love Jesus. I need help and this is why I am here. Altho i am isolated, offline….at least i can feel support from others, here…online.
Thank you all so much!