Nar-Anon Chat™

Hello my name is Emma. My husband of 43 yrs. is a Vietnam Vet with PTSD, substance, alcohol and sex addiction.
His choice of drug now is crack. When we first met his choice was alcohol and weed. I also did them, but not addicted. Went to coke, mouthwash now crack. He has a demon from the war he carries with him. He witnessed something that haunts him. It involved a young Vietnamese girl. He met a woman while doing crack that reminded him of her. He gets high with her gives her money buys her things and while I was working would take her places.he feels the need to take care of her. He says he’s attracted to her because of the girl years ago. He went on a binder for a day and a half last weekend buys for everyone. Sometimes he spends up to $1000. He went on a binder again this weekend for 2 days. He lies to me about this woman. I found out the other day he asked her to send him some naked pictures of her, for money of course. I flipped out. I told him that crosses the line. He said it’s JUST porn! I have a hard time wrapping my head around all of this.
I started looking through his phone right after I retired in 2017, looking to see who or where he was gettin high. Opened Pandora’s box doing that but now it was open. I was shocked to see what was on there, I was shaking. I found he was texting with a few women, some I knew, our next door neighbor for one. It was all sexual. Calling them goddesses, how gorgeous they were. Told one she has a nice ass, another he could take care of her with sex! I could go on and on. He has ED and I feel he neglects me and gives the attention I should be getting to these other women.
I have been going to a therapist for about 10 months. She tells me I need to take care of myself. I don’t know how anymore. I’m so busy policing my husband. I worry about everything with him. If he goes out, will he come back? I walk on egg shells not to say the wrong thing so he won’t get upset and get high.
I have a difficult time because of his PTSD ( he goes to VA for treatment). We went to couples therapy for a few months, they say it’s like having a bottle of soda and shake it then take the cap off it explodes. I feel like that’s what I just did here, sorry.
I have so much to pour out.
Thanks for listening…….