Nar-Anon Chat™

Hello! I found this page in my search for information on how to help my enabling husband deal with his addict sister. I've been reading threads and love what I've seen. I hope that by posting I can gain some guidance for our specific type of situation. I have dealt with addicts both personally and professionally so I understand the disease progression, the mindset of an addict, their behaviors, and the importance of boundaries and consequences for an addict. What I don't know how to do is help my husband see past his love and feeling of obligation for his sister to protect himself, to preserve our marriage, so he can give her the love she really needs, and so he can properly grieve his mother's passing. In the three years I've known his sister she has shown textbook addict behavior. My husband told me she has a history of opioid drug abuse. All of his family, including him, have cut her off at some point or another and she literally has 2 family members who will tolerate her at this point. My husband had no communication with her up until a month ago because of the horrible, nasty things she says about me and the drama she tries to start. Last month their mother passed away and the sister rolled back into the picture. More so to stake claim in any equity their mother's estate had than anything else. Since his mother's passing my husband has little by little allowed her back into his life and it is causing more and more problems. Family members have cut us off because he deals with her and they want no part of it, which I understand. She is extremely manipulative, conniving and abusive. It is impossible to trust her or her intentions while she's around you. My husband and I go round and around about him condoning and making excuses for her behavior, also his financially supporting her. She causes some kind of drama in our household at least 3 times a week. I tell my husband what he needs to do to make it stop, but he feels like creating boundaries and not tolerating her lies and drama is abandoning her. He is adamant about not abandoning his sister because he feels like their mother would have wanted him to make sure she's "ok". I've tried explaining to him you're not abandoning her by holding her accountable, that it actually will help her in the long run. But his understanding of addiction and the treatment thereof is minimal. He feels like when I offer advice it comes from a place of hate or anger, and that I am urging him to "cut his sister out of his life" because of what she's done to me. Please if anyone can offer advice on how to enlighten my husband and help him come to terms with the harsh reality of addiction I will be eternally grateful. My husband has not even been allowed to grieve his mother's passing because he is so caught up in the constant whirlpool of drama. His mental health is my priority at this point in the situation and I feel like I'm failing. I thank whoever took the time to read this and especially to those who can offer some advice.