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I have an adult son who started messing around with cannibus as a young adult and not much I could do about his choices than to talk. When he was living with a roommate and holding a job in his younger 20's I went overseas to teach as the recession here left me bottomed out as well as a divorce. I found out what he was doing was delving into more serious drugs in 2015 – then he was 26. I came to where he was living to try and help as I could (he also has ADD). I got him around to various appointments and set up with Medicaid, and a drug treatment center that he would agree to. I stayed on 3 months then returned overseas (that was my ignorance thinking now he would be ok). Long story short I gave up my teaching overseas in 2018. During this time to date, I found out he does not have any real intention to quit – he is now using herion, though someone commented he was a light user – don't know about any such thing. His body is swollen. I am 60 and can't get hired for anything more than subbing or cashier work. I'm torn between staying on here so to know what will happen to him vs. getting on doing my ESL work overseas and not knowing anything about him (he won't connect with anyone who isn't living right here). God says don't neglect or abandon family. I'm not sure if that holds for those who have become adults (he is now 31). Either way it seems my spirit sinks. Does anyone have similar issues with distance and knowing what to do?
It's difficult for us to watch our children do things that we know we did not raise them to be. There comes a time that we have to be like the birds and let them go free. You have to care for yourself. In caring for yourself, I've learned, the hard way for sure, that when we as mothers take care of ourselves its the best thing for us. It's painful to watch and you really want to just grab our children and strangle them until they listen to us. 🙂 Just to find out that talking to them at many points is like talking to the dining room table that just stands there in place and not hearing a damn word that is coming out of our mouths.
As a mother, you have to find your way to take care of you. I'm dealing with similar situations right now and have off and on. I have 5 children and each one has giving me a different stage of finding my way back to me.
You have to find your way back to you. You can do it. I'm grateful for this group. In just the few days that I've been here, I've become stronger and have learned how to put things back in focus.
We are mothers who have endured much to bring our children into this world, so it's natural.
You will be OK…God's got you…and so do I.
As a Mother to an adult addict, my heart is broken. I'm starting to break mentally from his addition, his lies and what is going on. It's been 2 years of constant crap and lots of $$ and heartbreak. I am raising his daughter who is 5 yrs. old. He keeps jeopardizing her security by coming to the house when he shouldn't. I finally realized yesterday from a Mentor that I am an Enabler. I kept giving excuses or fine lines to compartmentalize it but the bottom line is I allowed him to behave this way to me and our family. I'm his go to pick up for everything, but not anymore. I am taking back my Vehicle that he sleeps in, I will not take him places, feed him. I need him to hit bottom and realize that his actions create reactions. I'm tired of the same song and dance or the "NEW" game. I'm a realist I don't play games. I am heart broken because this worry is going to drive me crazy..like where is he?, has he eaten? is he trying to kill himself. My journey started yesterday and today is the first day I am seeking help and talking about things so I apologize if this message is all over the place. Thank you for letting me vent too. Prayers to you Dragonfly.
As mothers, our role has been to enable the well being of our children from the moment we found out we were having them. "Not enabling", I have found, was almost counter-intuitive. I was a grade-A enabler, paying his bills, paying his fines, not calling the police when he stole from me. I found out he was shooting heroin when he was in his senior year of high school. I had to learn how not to enable and what made sense to me was not to do things for him that he can do for himself. And, let him feel the consequences of his actions.
I love what tcarlita65 said about finding your way back to you. It is not selfish to release them with love. I couldn't "love my son to sobriety" he had to find it. It took him many tries in rehab and I saw my life go up and down based on the pattern of his sobriety. I had to take hold of my life and get off the roller coaster that his addiction was taking in my life. Little by little I was able to live the concepts I learned through nar-anon. His disease and this journey that both of our lives took has changed my career, my relationship with God and helped me to find a purpose in life. Best gift, living one day at a time and giving my worries to my higher power.
I, too, am a newbie and enabler of my 31 year old daughter with heroin and coke addictions. She tried to taper down on Methadone in September at a rehab stating it was still like using heroin, going to a legal dealer daily to get her "fix", and that at Naranon/Alanon they consider Methadone maintenance treatment same as other drugs. So she couldn't fully participate. (This I don't agree with but what ever). However the rehab taper was 5mg daily and she spiraled right back into heroin as she went through methadone detox illness, left that rehab then started adding coke to the mix. Early October I had trauma surgery and in a wheelchair for 2-4 months, she was back on the streets and I'm caring for her 2 year old active toddler because she's rarely home, or when she's home she's high. My husband and I have been paying for a PTSD therapist (she was kidnapped and trafficked in 2013, given heroin, hence the drug use since). The therapy began in early October, it's intense exposure treatment – facing what happened. Her mind is a mess, but we know this is necessary for recovery from PTSD. We're also dealing with the heavy drug use, which the therapist explains is common for people with PTSD where they were trapped, kidnapped and used. Hard enough as Mom trying to handle what happened – I wanted to kill the trafficker. But harder still to deal with the constant craziness and lunacy of drug addiction in our lives. I'm not an addict, never got into anything, nor did my family. My husband's family are addicts in alcohol and some include drugs, my husband is a beer-aholic. So living with craziness is a daily event. Very stressful, but reading the info here and joining this naranon group has exposed me to the fact I enable them both by trying to smooth things over, encourage them they can quit and get good lives, that their behaviors are going to influence our 2 year old grandchild living around them. My patience is also enabling, but inside my stomach broils, my heart breaks. It's true as Joanie N. says, we have roles as mothers and wives to enable the well-being of our families, so it's counter-intuitive.
I think reading more and practicing the program is already helping me. My "demand" of our daughter last week was I am done, either get your s**t together right now or get out, I will sue for custody from both you and your sperm donor. She knows how much I love this little child, he's such a dear and we are together every day and night since he was born nearly 3 years ago; hence she knows this is one person who comes above her and my husband, I will fight for him tooth and nail. So next day she called a rehab to get in and detox, get clean. She leaves tomorrow, it's not soon enough for me. She's killed us financially, not working 2 years and buying drugs instead of food and living necessities. My husband says she's killing me.
I pray many times daily, have given my life over to God since I was young but never expected this to be part of it. Some reason it has been part of our lives, I still don't know, guess nobody is immune to addiction in the family anyway. "Detaching with Love" is my hardest goal but I will do it. These Naranon Steps have helped many other people so there's no reason for me not to do them. Just getting going has been hard, You all give me hope. Thank you.
I'm struggling with this very thing! My daughter is addicted to heroin (and likely other things), and has other mental illnesses as well. She made it through rehab, and the first 30 days in a recovery home, but lost her place over bad communication and not being reliable about reporting her whereabouts and returning the house mother's calls. Now she's with me. 67 days sober, 7 with me, and she used, then tried to OD. It didn't come close to "working" and she then got in an accident with no injuries. 5 days in the hospital to get her detoxed and otherwise medically stable, four days in patient to get her medications adjusted, and out she was again – living with me because she has no where else to go. I learned today that it didn't take a week for her to use again. 🙁
I can't sleep til she's home (I haven't given her a key to the house – I just moved here, and she's staying in the guest room). She is up all night stepping outside for a cigarette, and I hear the door open and close, and wake and wait til she comes back in before I can really go to sleep again. Poof – my life is unmanageable again.
We talked today about what I need from her to live here at least through Christmas, but we're going to have to find her another safe place to live. I just don't know if I can pull the plug and throw her out if I catch her using in my house, or stealing from me (she hasn't since she's been here this time, but she did previously). It's below freezing out there, and I feel like throwing her out is just guaranteeing that she'll use again, and probably triggering her to try to commit suicide again. So – it feels like evicting her is killing her. But living with her is killing me.
I was reminded that I cannot let me being okay depend on someone else doing or not doing something. But I don't know how to be okay with her living here, and I don't know how to be okay sending her out when she has no job and no other home.
I'm back at steps one, two and three – my life has become unmanageable, and I need to turn it over to a power greater than me who can restore me to sanity. I'm praying that a space opens up in the long term dual diagnosis program that her counselor is recommending.
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